Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster
by Tomasina
Summary: Picks up after Howard goes to space. The evolution of the Shamy, while Penny and Leonard face what they really want from each other, Howard and Bernadette deal with the issues they never really faced before the wedding, and Raj tries to find out where he really belongs.
1. Meanwhile, Back on the Planet

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**Obviously, once season 6 starts almost all of this will have to be considered AU. I will try to keep everyone in character with valid reasons for anything that would be considered OOC. And it will happen, because I won't lie, this Shamy story has a happy, unambiguous ending. Everyone else is in here, too. It's really impossible to separate them from the group without placing them on a desert island. (Anyone wanna write that fic?)This will move slowly since I'm writing several chapters at once to make sure everything stays consistent and in control, but things (writing and relationship-wise) will speed up as time goes by. This isn't easy for me, so feedback is appreciated, I've addressed every critical thing you reviewers have asked about before and my stories are better for it. So, here we go!**

**Meanwhile, Back on the Planet…**

Sheldon was trying his best to completely focus his attention on the possible equations dancing across his mind and the ones spelled out in solid colors on his white board, but Raj's persistent moping was making it practically impossible. Sheldon cringed at the sound of yet another sigh but knew by now that commenting on it would only invite tedious sharing. Although Raj had Sheldon's old office to himself now, since Howard had lifted off into space his work had steadily decreased to the point where he wouldn't get anything done unless Sheldon was there. Sheldon was beginning to wonder whether he should have let Raj get deported after all. After several attempts Sheldon had finally learned lectures wouldn't fix this problem. As long as Raj tried to work on the dark matter problem Sheldon was willing to let his inefficiency today pass without a lecture. But when Sheldon heard the soft sound of Raj surreptitiously checking his iPhone again he'd had enough.

"If you don't plan on working why did you even come to work?"

Raj dropped the phone to the desk and at least had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry. You know I already tried taking a mental health day on Friday. I just ended up listening to Celine Dion and eating all day." He tried slipping a thumb beneath his noticeably tight waistband. "I've already gained five pounds." He sighed again and stared out the window at the sky. "Anything could happen up there. What if he gets hit by an asteroid or a solar flare?"

Sheldon looked at Raj contemptuously. "You're being ridiculous and you know it."

"I guess."

"Space is far too dangerous to require anything as dramatic as an asteroid to kill a fragile human being. A simple pebble traveling at standard velocities would take them out just as effectively and would be impossible to see coming." Raj's mouth fell open. "There's nothing you can do about it by surfing the internet or hacking Russian spy satellites. You don't even speak Russian."

"No, but if I get caught I don't have to worry about the Russians deporting me. Besides you can figure out a lot just from the context."

"Why do you insist on talking to me about this?"

"I was just hoping for a little empathy." He sighed again. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking." He looked at his phone again. "I wish I could talk to Bernadette about it."

"I wish you would, too."

Raj crossed his arms and looked at Sheldon defensively. "You're not so perfect either, Mr. Smarty-Pants. You started going on mental road trips before Howard even left. You stopped in the middle of a sentence when you were calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum and stared off into space for twenty minutes." Sheldon turned bright red. "Admit it! You have feelings in there somewhere."

"I was not thinking about Howard! Even if his death on this trip is likely, especially with his trans-idiopathic arrhythmia. Unlike you, I can control my mind." His face twitched. "If I choose to deviate from my train of thought it's for a valid reason."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really." Sheldon turned away and rubbed at his twitching eye. "And unlike you I don't have a problem getting back to work on the main problem when I decide to return to it."

"But I can't be…" Raj stopped as someone knocked on the door and stepped inside without waiting for an answer. It was a pretty brunette. From the look of the papers in her hands, likely another grad student, or possibly a doctoral candidate. She also had a moony, slightly crazed smile that Sheldon's friends had come to recognize from a mile off.

"Dr. Cooper? I'm sorry to interrupt but your office hours aren't posted."

"That's because I don't have any."

"Oh."

"You did happen to pick a good time, though," he said as he looked at the now blessedly silent Raj. "What is it? I'm listening."

"My name's Joan Verne." She held out her hand but Sheldon ignored it. She tried not to show it bothered her. "I was wondering if I could talk to you some about the project I plan to work on next year," Sheldon immediatley began looking bored and the girl changed tactics. "Or pick your brain on how you developed your theory of … " Raj tuned out and picked up his phone again while the girl started spouting off the standard ass-kissing (well-received) and flirting (unnoticed). She hadn't even looked at Raj. It was unbelievable. He'd been in People Magazine! Dr. Siebert called him his rising star. Well, he had before his research ran into a dead end. But just because he had a few sexual harassment complaints against him none of the women at the university even tried to talk to him anymore. In the meantime, the pasty, stick-up-the-ass, pinhead he worked with (not for!) kept attracting science groupies left and right like he was Justin Timberlake. Sure they were all nut jobs but that didn't stop Raj from feeling a little jealous. He scrolled down the NASA website and found his thoughts wandering again. Bernadette probably wasn't getting any crap from her boss for worrying. Just because she was married to the little twerp no one thought that was weird. He wished once again he could talk to her about it. He was sure she would understand. But he couldn't talk to her without drinking. And frankly, he still couldn't trust himself around her drunk, not without Howard there. When he heard giggling he looked up and started listening again. Joan was blushing. "No, I think you'll find I don't have any problem getting on my knees." Raj didn't know what he'd missed but he was sure it couldn't be what it sounded like. Joan tilted her head and twirled a piece of her hair. "You know, if it's not presumptuous, I'd love to buy you lunch sometime."

Sheldon looked at his watch. "Very well. I'll be in the cafeteria in 20 minutes." Raj sat up alarmed. She gushed a little more, but Sheldon had already stopped paying attention and was looking at his board again.

As soon as she shut the door behind her, Raj spoke up. "Dude, what the hell are you doing?"

Sheldon sighed. "Trying to get back to work but you seem determined to waste my time as well as your own today."

"You can't do that stuff anymore. You have a girlfriend now!"

"Why on earth why should dating Amy keep me from working?"

"I'm not talking about your damned whiteboard! I'm talking about that girl!"

Sheldon shook his head at him condescendingly. "_I'm_ not doing anything. _She's_ buying me lunch. And after we're done for the day she's offered to scrub this office down." He looked at the crumbled piece of paper Raj missed throwing into the trash can. "There's no need to live like animals."

Raj stood up and began to pace. "Yes, and next she's picking up your drycleaning and trimming your hangnails and reading physics articles to you while you're on the toilet to save time."

Sheldon looked genuinely confused. "What does having a girlfriend have to do with any of that? Amy's made it clear none of that is her job. That's what people like Joan are for. It's natural that some people choose to show their appreciation of genius properly. In fact, it would be cruel to deny her the opportunity. I'm sure Amy would agree with me."

"I don't think so, man."

"Well, you can discuss it with her at lunch if it bothers you so much."

Raj stopped pacing. "Amy's coming here today?"

"Yes, she's delivering tissue samples from her experiments on the early stages of bovine spongiform encephalopathy to the neurology department. I admit explaining social dynamics is not my strong suit, but I'm sure she can set you straight. She has a remarkable insight into human behaviour."

"She's going to be sitting there while some other woman practically hand feeds you and gushes about how wonderful you are?"

"I just said she was coming. Why do you insist on repeating the obvious? You're starting to sound like just like Leonard." He turned from the whiteboard and looked at Raj for a second. "You'll have to whisper into Leonard's ear if you want to talk to her. I refuse to tolerate your moist breath on my earlobe."

"Sheldon, are you insane?" Sheldon opened his mouth but Raj cut him off. "Don't say it! Sheldon, I don't care how 'special' your 'relationship' is. Girlfriends don't stand for this kind of thing."

What Raj was saying finally penetrated. Sheldon stopped trying to work and turned to fully face Raj. "Are you saying Amy will be jealous?"

"Yes!"

"Oh." Sheldon stroked his chin as he thought about it. "That could work."

"What?"

"Yes," Sheldon nodded. "The most likely scenario is, of course, mine. Amy will not mind at all, leaving me to continue to enjoy her intellectual stimulation while a new disposable peon tends me on the road to greatness." Sheldon raised a finger. "However, on the off-chance that you're on to something, Amy could become upset. If she then chooses, in a fit of jealousy, to 'cause a scene' to demonstrate her status as girlfriend before a perceived rival, I will then point out the illogic of her actions, publicly shaming her. If she is very upset, she may even attempt to hold my hand, at which point I can cite her for violation of the relationship agreement." Sheldon grinned widely. "She then begs for forgiveness, and I am back on top in this relationship." He pumped his fist in excitement. "Bazinga! Either way, I get a free lunch."

Raj pulled on his hair and shook his head. "Dude, that's a bucketful of crazy talk. That is not what's going to happen."

Sheldon snorted dismissively. "You don't even have a girlfriend, Raj. Why should I value your judgment above my own?"

"Have you considered this? She could just break up with you. For as much as you whine about her you freak out whenever you think you're going to lose her. Or worse, she could just pretend she's OK with it and then slip Mad Cow in our food when no one's looking." He shivered. "Watching us and smiling that creepy smile of hers as the years tick by before we finally realize what's she's done. Too late to say you're sorry, too late."

Sheldon shook his head in exasperation. "Your mother obviously never had you tested. Enough of this malarkey! Do you think you could manage to get fifteen minutes of actual work done before lunch? It's bad enough you've allowed your emotional state to completely override the barely sufficient work ethic you had in the first place. I'm already babysitting you. I shouldn't have to listen you babble on all day."

"I resent that".

"I don't care." Sheldon turned back to his board. Raj leaned against the desk next to him and made a real effort to concentrate. After five minutes went by he decided he should text Leonard a heads up, but Sheldon shot him another withering look when he reached for his phone. They spent the rest of the time in silence as the minutes slowly ticked by to lunch.


	2. Knowing One's Place

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**A Place for Everyone and Everyone in their Place**

Eighteen minutes later, Raj had nearly convinced himself he was overreacting. Amy and Sheldon were more alike than anyone he knew. He even had the matchmaking data to prove it. Sheldon was probably right; Amy wouldn't mind at all. Who knows, she might even have her own brain worshippers picking fleas off her monkeys at that very moment.

Two minutes after that, Amy walked into Sheldon's office. She gave them both a warm hello and walked over to Sheldon, smiling. The second Raj looked into those crazy eyes of hers he panicked. Raj bolted out of the office like his pants were on fire. After running blindly into the cafeteria and crashing into a group of chairs, Raj managed to regain his footing and catch up to Leonard where he already stood in line, ignoring Kripke's objections to cutting in.

Now Raj was bent over as he tried to catch his breath while thanking the gods there were no women standing near Leonard at the moment.

"Raj! What's gotten into you?" Leonard put his hands on Raj's shoulders and looked at him, alarmed. "Did something happen to Howard?"

"Sheldon's hooked another one!"

Leonard looked blankly at him for a moment, then dropped his arms and groaned. "Again? That's just what I need. Last time he fell out with a padawan she went Dark Side and started throwing rocks at my car." He turned glumly back to the 'Special of the Day' menu. "The one week in the year it rains and I had to drive around with a broken window."

Raj grabbed Leonard's arm and shook him. "You don't get it! Sheldon's new groupie is supposed to buy him lunch today."

"Yeah, that's usually how it starts."

"But Amy's here, too!"

"Well, that isn't good." Leonard picked up a tray and started loading up on everything he could eat without getting a gas attack. It wasn't much. "Why didn't you stop him?"

"I tried. He's frackin' crazy! He thinks this will give him leverage somehow over Amy. Do you have any idea what he's thinking?" Raj was too distracted to remember to pick out any food until they were nearly at the end of the line. He grabbed a bowl and slopped some minestrone in it. He needed to start cutting back on the Calories anyway.

"Unless you finally talked him into watching a romantic comedy with you I don't where he would come up with an idea that bad," Leonard said, "I'm sure in his own head it makes perfect sense." He shrugged. "You know, it probably won't be that bad."

"You try holding onto that thought when they walk in here together. They started giving each other those Shamy looks as soon as she walked into the office. She looked so happy to see him. This is going to be a disaster."

"Yeah, but… Look, if it was me and Penny she would probably light my car on fire. But this isn't really what you… what anyone would call a normal relationship. Sheldon won't even touch Amy, let alone cheat on her. She knows that, and she's still been trying pretty hard lately to make him happy. Assuming she even notices anything out of the ordinary, she probably won't even dare to say anything about it." At that moment Sheldon and Amy entered the cafeteria and approached the lunch line. They stopped at the end, as was proper.

Raj shivered. "Sure, she'll swallow her rage today and kill us all tomorrow. That woman scares the hell out of me."

Leonard frowned at him. "You introduced them."

Raj sighed. "Don't remind me."

They arrived at the cash register and Leonard paid for them both. "Come on. She can be a pretty good sport about awkward situations. And she's never acted jealous."

"He's never given her a reason to be."

"Just cool it, Raj. You're overreacting." They took their trays and started walking towards an empty table.

Raj shook his head. "You didn't see this one. She's not just looking for an A on a paper; she's one of those Cooper Cuckoos, and a hot one."

"How bad is it?"

"It took her less than ten minutes to let him know she had no problem getting down on her knees."

"Can I help?" They turned around to a creepily interested Kripke.

"No," they answered in unison. They sat down across from each other and started to eat. Only Leonard could see the lunch line now without turning around.

"Amy knows how Sheldon's mind works better than anybody," Leonard said. "She won't get the wrong idea." As Amy and Sheldon were about to reach the start of the food aisle, a young woman walked up to Sheldon. "Is this girl a brunette?"

Raj turned around and nodded. "That's Joan." At first Amy appeared indifferent to the newcomer, but as the boys watched Joan and Sheldon talk they saw Amy's posture stiffen.

Leonard's confidence disappeared as fast as Raj's had. "Oh, shit."

There were no women nearby, but Raj still felt the need to whisper. "Can we run?"

Leonard looked up. Sheldon had left the two women and was walking towards their table. "No, they've already seen us. Just keep eating and play it cool."

Raj looked like he was about to panic again. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know. Eat casual!"

Sheldon sat down next to Leonard and nodded at them both. "Greetings, friends."

"Hi, Sheldon." Leonard kept an eye on the girls while Raj mumbled something noncomittal. He saw Joan look Amy slowly up and down, then turn her back on her dismissively. Amy stood there looking at her back for a second, then left the lunch line and walked stiffly over to the table. Leonard felt awful just looking at her. She looked confused and hurt. Sheldon continued on oblivious to the whole thing.

"Raj, I hope the reason you ran off like that was because you plan to return to work early. Amy thought it was quite rude." Amy reached the table and sat down across from Sheldon. He frowned at her empty hands. "Why aren't you eating?"

"I lost my appetite," she said.

Sheldon looked genuinely concerned. "I hope you aren't feeling ill. Have you taken your temperature today?"

Amy ignored the question. "Sheldon, who is that woman and why is she buying you lunch?"

"Ah. That's Joan. She's buying me lunch to show her appreciation for my genius."

Leonard couldn't help himself. He felt he had to try to fix this somehow. "It's nothing. Just… you know how some people read a few articles you wrote and they want to, you know, clarify a footnote or…" he trailed off. He couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation for why the young girl would be so rude to Amy on top of the rest of it.

"Don't complicate it, Leonard," Sheldon said. He turned to back to Amy. "It's quite simple. She does nice things for me and in return I allow her to bask in my mental glow and 'pick my brain'."

"Pick your brain?"

"You know, just a physics groupie," Leonard said, still hoping to prevent a scene. "They're hiding under every paperweight around here. I'm sure you've experienced something similar in your field."

"Groupies." She looked over at Joan's short skirt. "Yes, neurobiology has their share. They either want to ride on your coat tails or just ride you. I've never tolerated either." She looked back at Sheldon. "I wouldn't have thought you would, either."

Sheldon shrugged. "They can indeed be cloying. Rowena did ride me pretty hard when I was working to reconcile the black hole information paradox with my theory of string network condensates. And there's always a temper tantrum when they finally realize you're not handing out any crumbs. But I never make any promises, and the special treatment, while it lasts, can make life very pleasant." Amy didn't look convinced.

"I see," she said. The whole table looked over at Joan now. She noticed and shot Sheldon a smile and a wink. Amy looked back at Sheldon. He had placed his left hand on the table, extended unnaturally far in Amy's direction while he looked at a generic piece of ceiling tile for no reason. She looked from his face to the hand again. The hurt expression left her face and for a moment the boys saw unmistakable anger in her eyes. Then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, Robot Amy from two years earlier was looking out blankly at them. She started talking again in a level, monotone voice. "Although I find their hero worship and pawing tedious, I completely understand why you would wish to take practical advantage of the situation. It is natural for lower beings to want to serve greatness." Raj moved his soda to the far side of the table and covered his soup with his napkin. Leonard wasn't sure he understood her.

"Isn't that a little fascist?" he asked. She turned to him and Raj.

"There is a natural order to the world. Like any animal, human beings are happiest when filling niches best suited to their gifts. Isn't that right, Sheldon?" Sheldon pulled his hand back towards his tray. For a second he looked disappointed. Then he smirked and stuck his tongue out at Raj.

"Told you so."

Amy continued to speak, a small smile forming on her lips. "For example, my kitchen sink is clogged up..."

Sheldon gasped as if she'd told him her cat had been hit by a car. "Oh, I'm so sorry! That must be terrible for you."

"Yes," she said. "The thought of that stagnant water in the place I call home is undoubtedly why I've lost my appetite. I am sickened by the thought of putting my hand down a dirty drain; however I also dislike the idea of a sweaty stranger coming into my abode to fix the problem." She folded her hands in front of her. "If Howard was here, I would ask Bernadette if I could borrow him. His is, after all, only a glorified plumber. But alas, he is unavailable at the moment. And all my friends, including my boyfriend, are overqualified for such a task…" Leonard thought she was laying it on a little thick now, but at this point he thought it was best to just keep his mouth shut. She wasn't even looking at him and Raj anymore. Everything was being directed straight at Sheldon. "…which is why I've decided to call Stuart."

Sheldon sat up straight. "Stuart? Why on earth would you call him? He's barely qualified to operate a cash register."

"Yes, but he's perfectly qualified for a menial task such as this. He handles all small repairs at the comic shop himself."

"How is Stuart any better than a sweaty stranger?"

Amy began ticking off reasons on her fingers.

"He is eager to please, knows my preferences, and takes direction well. Not to mention I'm quite sure when I whistle he'll come running." Sheldon's face started to contort.

"That is unacceptable."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Sheldon. But this isn't something you can help with, so who are you to tell me what to do in this situation? You certainly aren't telling me you want to stick your hand down a dirty drain, are you?"

"Of course not!" Sheldon's face and neck slowly turned red as he stared incredulously at Amy. She smiled sweetly back at him.

Joan came over with the tray and put it down. "Here you go! Exactly how you…"

"I'm not hungry!" He barked at her. The lunch room went silent and Joan stood there with her mouth open. Amy didn't blink.

"That's funny. I just got my appetite back." Amy slid the tray over to her side and smiled up at the interloper. "Joan, was it? Thank you."

Joan just about blew a gasket. "Who the hell do you think you are? I bought that for…"

Sheldon snapped at her. "Joan, you're being rude!" She pursed her lips and glared at him, then spun on her heel and stalked off. Raj didn't think Sheldon was going to come in to a sparkling office in the morning after all. Sheldon pointed his finger at Amy and continued yelling. "For one thing, Stuart isn't going to just skip on over as soon as you call. He'd have to wait until the store closed at the very least, and it is unacceptable for a character like Stuart to come over to your apartment alone after dark."

Amy took a bite of Sheldon's Salisbury steak and swallowed before answering. "I don't see why not. He's done it before." She washed the meat down with Sheldon's ginger ale. "I don't understand why you're upset, Sheldon."

"I'm not upset!"

"I'm merely following your own logic," she said as she moved on to the salad. "As I said, I would never dream of making that kind of demand on you. That's not what boyfriends are for. I have a relationship agreement to prove it."

Sheldon crossed his arms and ground his teeth. When he continued he was no longer yelling but his voice was unmistakably tense. "It is an accepted social convention for the boyfriend to be given first dibs on any household repairs needed by the girlfriend, regardless of whether it is has been addressed in a relationship agreement."

"I find that incredibly chauvinistic." She looked at him with hooded eyes over the rim of the soda can as she took another sip. "Besides, when did you start caring about social conventions?"

Sheldon smacked the table and started yelling again. "I don't like repeating myself! I said I don't care what's in the Relationship Agreement!" He turned angrily to Leonard. "Leonard, you're taking me over to Amy's tonight." He crossed his arms again and leaned back in his chair stubbornly. "I'll take care of it."

Leonard sputtered. "Wait a minute, how did I get roped into this? I have things to do, too, you know." Sheldon and Amy just looked at him. Raj kicked Leonard under the table. "Ow! Alright. I can drop you off, but I'm not waiting around. Either you take the bus home or you wait until 10:00 for me to come back. Penny and I are having a long talk tonight." Raj raised his eyebrows inquisitively. Leonard nodded. "Yeah, that one."

"Fine," Sheldon said. "Amy?" He looked expectantly at Amy but she was slowly chewing again. Finally she swallowed and nodded.

"Very well. If you insist. I'll be home at 6:30." She gestured at the untouched items on the plate. "Are you sure you aren't hungry? This is very good."

Sheldon stood up. "No. This conversation is becoming tedious. I'm going back to work." He glared at Raj. "Someone has to pick up the slack around here."

Amy nodded sympathetically. "Good bye, Sheldon. I hope your afternoon is productive." Sheldon stalked over to the exit. Halfway there he paused and looked back at the back of Amy's head with a confused look on his face. Whatever crossed his mind, he obviously decided it was impossible. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and left. Amy continued to eat leisurely while Raj and Leonard traded awkward looks and glanced at Amy out of the corners of their eyes. Raj raised his eyebrows and jerked his head towards Amy. Leonard gave his head a small shake and picked at his German potato salad. Raj finally got up and ran around the table to whisper in Leonard's ear. Leonard pushed him off.

"Alright already, I'll ask!"

Amy put her fork down and looked at them. "What is it, Leonard?"

Leonard sighed and threw his hands in the air. "How the hell did you do that?"


	3. The Crucible

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**The Crucible**

Leonard carefully drove Sheldon through the side streets of Pasadena on the way to Amy's apartment, being sure to stay just under the speed limit. He'd practically shoved Sheldon into the car in an attempt to get him to leave early. He wanted to get back to Penny as soon as possible. After days of swinging between pretending everything was fine and bitter sniping at each other, she'd finally agreed to sit down and really talk to him about the failed proposal. It was a miracle they hadn't ruined Howard's wedding. He honestly wasn't sure whether they'd still be dating at the end of it, but he didn't want to put it off another minute. Sheldon was busy rummaging through his overstuffed shoulder bag, complaining Leonard hadn't given him enough time to properly review his inventory and shuffling his feet noisily as he tried to get comfortable.

"Sheldon, cut it out. I'm sure Amy has everything you'll need."

"As my mother would say, when you assume you make an ass out of 'u' and me." He stopped fiddling with his bag and grimaced as he pulled up on the tongue of his shoe. "The salesman was wrong. These boots are still pinching my toes."

"Why are you even wearing those?"

"Well, they won't fit in my shoulder bag."

"No. Why did you feel the need to wear steel-toed boots to unclog a sink?"

Sheldon smiled at Leonard's naivety. "Leonard, 60% of all household injuries occur while attempting common repairs, and 50% of those result in crush injuries to feet. Without a working elevator, I shouldn't have to explain to you what a disaster that would be."

"You're fixing the sink, not replacing it."

"No matter. I don't intend either to hurt or embarrass myself by showing up unprepared. I am determined to complete this task properly and thoroughly, as distasteful as it is. It was my own decision after all to volunteer myself."

Leonard glanced at him wryly. "You really believe that, don't you?" Leonard laughed and shook his head. "I'd bet fifty bucks Amy's sink is just fine."

Sheldon looked at him like he was crazy. "You know I don't bet. And you were there at lunch, Leonard. She was very clear on the matter."

Leonard sighed. "Will you take my advice? When you walk through that door, if Amy hands you a drink, don't ask what's in it, just swallow it."

"Are you implying Amy has ulterior motives in addition to my services fixing her drain?"

"I'm not implying it. I'm saying it."

"That's ridiculous. It's not even a date night." They pulled up to the Amy's apartment complex.

As Sheldon stepped out of the car, Leonard leaned over the passenger seat to keep talking to him. "Just send me a text telling me if you decide to take the bus home so I know where you are. Otherwise you'll see me at 10:00."

Sheldon paused with his hand on the frame of the door. "That's an hour past my bedtime."

"You were fine with it earlier. If her sink really is clogged it won't take you more than ten minutes to fix and you can take the bus. And if anything goes seriously wrong…"

"Yes?"

"Call Raj."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon reached Amy's door and looked at his watch: 6:10. He leaned against the wall and settled back to wait. Amy had been adamant on the subject of him not letting himself in anymore without her permission. After a few minutes, he was surprised to hear movement within the apartment. Apparently Amy had also arrived early. Still, he refrained from knocking. He prided himself on his punctuality. He was surprised when he heard water running in the kitchen. Most likely, the water had seeped past the clog throughout the course of the day and Amy was testing to see if the problem was still present. But the possibility that Leonard was right, and Amy's sink was fine, also occurred to him. The thought that he wouldn't have to deal with such an unsanitary chore gave him a surge of hope, but what that would mean as far as Amy's intentions for the evening gave him pause. He fiddled with the strap of his bag and shifted his clunky feet as he started to worry. Leonard's other suggestion was preposterous. Amy had given her word when she began the Affection Acceleration Experiment that she would use no drugs. He had agreed to the experiment based on that promise. There should have been no danger of losing control of the situation with his faculties fully intact. Things had not gone according to plan, though. At least, not his plan. He tried to relax and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and his right foot crossed over his left ankle. He tried to pretend he was a train conductor waiting for the 630 Express. It would get there when it was meant to get there. Finally his mental clock dinged and he looked at his watch again. 6:30. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door three times. _  
_

_Knock, knock, knock_

"Amy" _  
_

_Knock, knock, knock_

"Amy" _  
_

_Knock, knock, knock_

"Amy"

Amy answered the door immediately. She nodded at him politely. "Hello, Sheldon. Please, come in."

"Hello," he said back, frowning. She was usually much happier to see him when he came by, and wasn't he there expressly to do her a favor?

"Well," she said, "would you like to get right to it?" She said, gesturing to the kitchen. He didn't answer but walked over to the sink. He sighed in disappointment. The cat was dead. Amy's sink was most definitely clogged. The plug was sitting on the counter, but the sink was filled with water almost up to the top. He thought of the sound of running water.

"Did you just fill this all the way up?" Amy paused before answering.

"Yes, it had drained away by the time I came home and I ran the water again to see if the clog was still there."

Sheldon slowly shook his head. "I don't think this much water was necessary to test that hypotheses." He sighed again. There was no going back now. "Here," he said. He reached into his bag and pulled out a breaker cover, a pad lock, and a red danger tag. "Please de-energize and tag out the power to the garbage disposal while I go change. I'll check and countersign the tag when I come back."

Amy took the items but frowned. "Is this really necessary? We have the switch to the disposal in full view and Ricky's back at the lab this week."

"The point of taking the proper precautions ahead of time is to avoid wondering whether there's something you could have missed. If anyone had thought to do this on the Thanksgiving of '87 I'd have an Uncle Edward instead of an Uncle Stumpy."

Amy nodded and conceded the point. "Very well," she said and walked briskly to the end of the hall where the junction box was located. Sheldon turned into the bathroom to change. Amy tagged out the pertinent breaker and returned to the kitchen. When Sheldon came back into the room, he was wearing jeans and a white, sleeveless undershirt known colloquially as a 'wife beater'. He also carried goggles and long rubber gloves. Amy opened her mouth, then closed it and cleared her throat.

Sheldon looked embarrassed. "I know I look ridiculous but this is the proper outfit for household repairs. In fact my father and elder brother rarely wore anything else around the house."

Amy finally found her voice. "Really? I didn't know you had any experience with that kind of skill set."

Sheldon looked at his boots. "Well… my job was to hand them tools and 'stay the hell out of the way'," he said, making air quotes. "I was too highly evolved to waste on actual manual labor." Sheldon sprinkled some talc into the gloves, then put them on and stepped up to the counter. "In fact, after the 'Snowball Incident', I was forbidden to even touch tools in the house again. I have always been more suited to theoretical work."

Amy picked up the talc and perused the label. "This isn't theoretical."

Sheldon grunted. "I know that. However I've seen my father do this several times. I'll leave out the profanity. I don't think it was necessary to the process."

"Very well," Amy said. She put the talc down and looked at him expectantly. Sheldon didn't move. Amy jerked her head toward the sink. "Whenever you're ready."

Sheldon twitched and began moving again. "Oh, right," he said. He put the goggles on and leaned over the sink. The water was quite clear and didn't have any of the various stinks that his mother's clogs always generated. In fact, it was quite pleasant. "Is that bleach I smell?" He asked.

Amy nodded. "Clorox. I added two ounces before you arrived. It should be enough to provide sanitation without posing a health hazard. Just because my sink is clogged doesn't mean it can't be hygienic."

Sheldon nodded in approval. "Excellent philosophy." Sheldon stared down into the stygian maw wavering deceptively beneath the surface of the water. It was almost hypnotic.

"Sheldon?"

"Yes?"

"Perhaps it would help if you walked through the problem-solution flowchart with me?" She sat down at the counter and folded her hands leisurely before her.

Sheldon nodded indulgently and straightened his back. "It couldn't hurt." He cleared his throat. "Once it has been determined that a kitchen sink is not draining properly, as detailed in the manufacturer specifications, one should physically check for any obstructions before engaging the garbage disposal again. This will avoid damaging the blades, but the main purpose is to avoid damaging whatever is causing the obstruction, on the off-chance it is something of value. My mother was always losing spoons down our sink."

Amy nodded like a good student. "And then?"

"If that does not resolve the issue, then it is appropriate to run the disposal again, followed by pouring in drain cleaner. It depends both upon the composition of the pipes and the type of clog. Leonard refused to stop for some on the way…"

"I have a supply of sodium hydroxide that will have the same effect. It's underneath the sink." Sheldon leaned over and tried unsuccessfully to open the cupboard doors. Amy walked up and pushed down on an unseen plastic latch just within the door. "With Ricky running around loose, I've had to baby-proof the house. I can't have him killing himself before the study's over."

"Understandable, although I am sure the world would continue to turn with one less monkey in it."

Amy did not look amused. "The next step?"

"Oh, that's pretty much it. You run some water through the sink again, and if it doesn't fix the problem, you call a professional plumber."

"I thought we were avoiding that?"

"Amy," Sheldon said, shaking his head condescendingly. "I said _professional_. As in 'fully licensed and certified', not a failing businessman who is can barely cut his own toenails without assistance. Anytime my father tried to proceed to the next step on his own the result was invariably moderate to severe property damage, sometimes accompanied by a visit from the local sheriff if he lost his temper."

"Understood. This should be quick, then."

"Yes."

Sheldon returned his attention the depths of the sink. He tried shining his flashlight down it but the surface of the water reflected the light. He tried an oblique angle but it failed to sufficiently illuminate the drain past the blade guard. He put the flashlight down and stared at the drain again.

"Are you attempting to remove the obstruction via telekinesis?"

Sheldon looked at Amy in annoyance. "Sarcasm?"

"No. I've heard of your attempts to blow up Leonard's head à la _Scanners_." Sheldon smiled.

"You've seen it?"

"No." Amy looked at her watch. Sheldon cracked his knuckles and angled his head down back and forth towards the surface of the water in a familiar way. Amy broke her severe mask and smiled at him. "Are we nervous, Doctor Cooper?"

His eyes flicked in her direction. He frowned. "I am merely considering the proper angle of attack."

"Whatever you say, doctor."

Two hours later, Sheldon had finally given up on the goggles. He'd had to remove them several times to wipe them down as they fogged up. The indentations remained around his cheeks and forehead like the mask of a raccoon. His gloves were still on, but those had also been removed three times to allow for the addition of more talc. Sheldon was flushed and sweating, frequently wiping his upper arm across his forehead to brush off the beaded sweat before it ran down into his eyes.

The drain remained untouched.

Amy sighed. "Sheldon, that's enough."

"What?" Sheldon looked up and jerked in surprise. Amy had taken off her cardigan and button down shirt and now wore only a fitted purple undershirt. She was now walking towards him purposefully. Sheldon backed up until he bumped into the stove and held his hands up defensively. His nerves were already strained and his voice quavered fearfully. "What are you doing?" Amy reached for him…

...and pulled the gloves off his hands.

"I'm ending this," she said firmly. Sheldon realized he'd never seen her bare arms before. They were very smooth. Her forearms were quickly hidden from view again as she pulled the gloves on over her own hands, grimacing at the feeling of sweat and clumped talc. "I'm not saying you don't deserve all of this and more, but this is starting to feel like kicking a puppy." She turned away from him and walked up to the sink. Sheldon followed, confused.

"You said the idea of putting your hand down a dirty sink disgusted you."

"Indeed it does, but obviously not as much as it disgusts you." She turned stepped towards the sink. "Don't worry. It won't kill me." She took a deep breath and reach forward, but just as she touched the water, she felt Sheldon's hands on her bare arms as he lifted her and moved her bodily out of the way. She yelped in surprise.

Sheldon stepped back up to the sink, raised his fist into the air and yelled out, "muHoHbe'chugh vaj muHoSmoH!"* He plunged his hand into the sink, gasped, and pulled out…

A sponge.

"I did it!" he yelled triumphantly. Amy was speechless. Sheldon grinned like a fool. The sound of the gurgling water as the drain quickly drained sounded like victory.

Then he began to feel the water drip down his arm. He felt the mushy texture of the sponge between his fingers. It looked clean, one could even say untouched, and he could still smell the bleach but...

Sheldon licked his lips nervously. "That… that wasn't so… so bad."

"Sheldon," Amy said. He looked at her. "There are clean towels ready in the bathroom."

"Oh, thank the lord!" He dropped the sponge and bolted towards the bathroom. Amy caught a brief glimpse of him pulling the undershirt off and dropping it behind him as he ran for the shower as fast as he could. Amy walked over and picked it up. She sighed as she rubbed the material in her hands.

"I should have taken a picture while I had the chance."

***Rough translation: "What does not kill me makes me stronger." Yes, I am a junior member of the Klingon Language Institute. You got something to say about that?**

**Didn't think so.**


	4. Queen Checks King

**Oh god oh god oh god. Why didn't I stick to funny one-shots? Oh well. Like the Shamy, I've got to step out of my comfort zone if I want to get to the finish line. Here's the first baby step.**

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster  
**

**Queen Checks King**

Sheldon reentered the living room, back in his usual clothes though still shoeless. His hair was finger-combed but still wet. He ran his fingers through it again as he walked over to Amy.

"I like your shampoo. It tingles."

Amy nodded. "That's the selenium." Amy was opening up individually labeled and dated Tupperware containers. "I didn't plan on this taking so long. I didn't eat before you arrived and it's getting late. If you'd rather wait here for Leonard than leave now then you can join me."

Sheldon rubbed his belly. "I haven't skipped two meals in a day since leaving my parents' house. I'm starving. What do you have?"

"Cold chicken. I don't cook much unless the occasion calls for it. I wasn't expecting company when I left this morning."

"That's not what I usually eat on Fridays," he said. As the food came into view his stomach growled. "I suppose I can make an exception due to extraordinary circumstances."

"Very well. May I offer you something to drink?"

"Do you have any more…?"

"Strawberry Quik?" Sheldon grinned sheepishly. Amy nodded. "I do. The powder's in the pantry. Would you get it?"

As Sheldon crossed the oven again he noticed she'd turned it on. "Are you baking?"

"Chocolate chip cookies. It's just precut dough. That way I can pop in a few whenever I want some."

"Precut? Don't you miss licking the bowl?"

"And risk salmonella poisoning? I should think not."

Sheldon had to concede the point. "I did pick up some bad habits as a child. Even Meemaws aren't perfect." He handed her the Nesquik, then sauntered back over to the sink and turned the water on with a flick of his wrist. "This did turn out to be quite an unusual evening." He smiled in satisfaction as the water ran straight down the drain. Amy turned off the water and handed him his food. He walked over to the table and sat down. "Just how did that sponge get in the garbage disposal?" he asked.

Amy paused as she was starting to sit, then settled in her chair and picked up a napkin. "I suppose there are a number of explanations."

"I can't think of any. It looked brand new."

"That isn't odd. I buy them in bulk. I don't like them to sit around and mildew. Perhaps I was overzealous in my cleaning."

"Oh. I suppose..."

"It's possible."

"I just don't see how you could have not noticed you'd done that. "

"Well, it's over now."

"Yes." Sheldon smiled and picked up his fork. "I actually wish my father was still alive. He'd never believe it."

"I for one didn't think you had it in you. It was... wonderful." Amy looked at him sadly as Sheldon laid into his plate. Sheldon missed the look, but it's debatable whether he would have properly identified it anyway.

They ate in silence for a few minutes while Sheldon scarfed his food down. He finally came up for air and attempted to make polite conversation. "I trust everything else in your life if running smoothly."

Amy shrugged. "Well enough. I've found myself expected to provide more emotional support to Bernadette than I realized would be necessary. My efforts to distract her have met mostly with failure. I even read several articles from The American Society For Microbiology in an attempt to provide stimulating conversation. She wasn't even interested."

He shook his head. "What a waste of time."

"Indeed. I love experiencing Penny's drama vicariously but I really don't need two of them in my life."

"Preaching to the choir, sister. Raj has cost me days of work. Today was the worst. And then I missed, I mean had to skip lunch to catch up. Put on top of that your sink trouble and a late dinner..." He gave a breathy laugh. "I feel like a hippy. I can't believe I'm eating at this time of night. I should be in bed by now."

Amy finished off her chicken and they took their plates back to the kitchen. Sheldon started washing them, smiling proudly as the waste disappeared down the drain. Amy tied not to smile too but her mouth did curl up a little.

When he was done, Sheldon walked over to the oven and rubbed his hands together as he peered through the tempered glass at the cookies. "These will at least give me the sugar rush I need to get through the rest of the night, but I'll still be a mess tomorrow. There's no way to predict when my next bowel movement will be due."

Amy took a deep breath and splayed her hands against the countertop. "Hungry, off your schedule, up past your bedtime... you poor thing."

Sheldon nodded in agreement. "Yes, it's almost tragic."

"You don't like not being in control, do you?"

"No. You know that."

Amy nodded. She turned to him and leaned back against the counter, crossing her arms. "I don't like being controlled."

Sheldon looked at her. Something was off again in her manner. "As that is the logical inverse of what I said, I sympathize with you." He looked more closely. Amy was frowning. "Are you mad I didn't put my shoes back on? They were pinching…"

"What was that stunt you pulled at lunch today all about?" Amy said softly.

Sheldon was completely nonplussed. _Koothrapali was right?_ "Are you mad about Joan?"

"Screw Joan. She was weak. I learned how to withstand the kind of bullying I gave her my first week of kindergarten."

"Bullying? When did that happen?"

Amy waved her hand and rolled her eyes. "You were distracted. Sheldon, what is your understanding of justice?"

"I know the fact that I was incarcerated for assisting Penny in her hour of need was a complete miscarriage of it."

"It wasn't fair."

"Exactly! It didn't matter that it was legal."

"Then let's examine another scenario, shall we? How just do you think it was for you to take my hand for your own comfort during the space launch, then try to manipulate me into taking your hand today for the express purpose of humiliating me?" Sheldon stopped moving. He didn't answer. "I told you exactly what I was attempting with the Affection Acceleration experiments. I like you, Sheldon, non-platonically. It didn't happen overnight. I didn't expect you to change overnight either but you crossed a line today."

"I… I think the cookies are burning. "

Amy didn't even look at the oven. "They're fine." She took a step towards him and put her hand on the counter. She gripped the edge tightly looked down before continuing. She was still speaking softly. "Sheldon, do you like it when I do nice things for you? I'm doing all this with your consent. Do you want me to stop? All you have to do is say so." He didn't say anything and Amy didn't look at his face. "If it's not enough you're going to have to revise your agreement with Leonard or get a new groupie. I don't do your errands or chauffeur you around because I don't want you to treat me like a doormat. Is that what you need?"

Sheldon looked at her uneasily. "I have the feeling this is the kind of question that has no right answer."

Amy looked back up at him and waved her arms, encompassing the kitchen and herself. "Is this what  
you really want? I'll still be you're friend even if we're not dating."

Sheldon licked his lips and looked around nervously. "I don't understand."

Amy started to pace. "I like your schedules. I like the Relationship Agreement. There are definitely things that need to be renegotiated in time but I like knowing what to expect. I'm not intimidated by boundaries. They're a starting point." Amy's voice finally began to rise and she began gesturing at him with her index finger. "But I didn't sign the Agreement so you could use it as a hammer to keep me in line. You aren't going to control me so if that's the only reason you asked me to go out when I started dating Stuart then maybe this needs to stop."

Sheldon started to stammer. The only time he'd ever heard Amy raise her voice was when Bernadette cancelled her big wedding. "Why… Are you breaking up with me? You can't do that! The Relationship Agreement requires a notice of…"

"Tell me _why_ you _want_ me to be your girlfriend. Affirmations only." Sheldon looked confused. Amy began tapping her foot. "A year and a half ago, when I found myself physically attracted to Zach, you first denied the possibility that I could even have those urges, and next you arranged it so I could have a sexual liaison with him, in order to get it out of my system."

"You came to your senses."

"It was hard not to after he opened his mouth. A year after that, I start dating Stuart, only to have you interrupt in the middle of a date and ask me to be your girlfriend. What changed?" Sheldon fidgeted and looked at his socks. "Fine. Here's a simple one. Why did you hold my hand during the launch? You violated the Agreement you wrote." Sheldon looked up at her and opened his mouth.

Suddenly they both heard knocking. They looked over at the front door. Amy turned away and took out the cookies. When she spoke her voice was calm again. "I want an answer, or I will take this as a signal that a romantic relationship is not something we should pursue any further."

Sheldon stepped forward, alarmed. "I want you to be my girlfriend because, because… because I like you!"

"You like Leonard. You don't date him."

He shook his head. "It's different than Leonard."

She looked back at him, frowning. "How?"

"I don't know!" He said, frustrated." I've never felt … I don't know what… It's just different!" He walked up to her. "I'm sorry." She wouldn't meet his gaze. He stepped closer and looked down at her. "Please..." Amy kept her head level, even though now Sheldon's chest filled her entire view. An image of Pac-Man was smiling at her. She saw movement from the corner of her eye and glanced further down. Sheldon's hands were fluttering a few inches from her hips. The knocking repeated again, louder. "Amy?" Sheldon asked.

"You should go get your shoes on," Amy said. She looked up at him. He was still looking down at her with a worried expression. Amy quickly put her head back down and tried to keep her voice steady. "It's OK. I'm not breaking up with you. But you need to go home now." Sheldon put his hands down and took a step back. He waited for another second, as if he was afraid she was about to add her own _bazinga_, then turned and walked back to the bathroom. Amy walked over and answered the front door. Leonard was there texting on his phone. He looked surprised.

"Oh, I thought maybe you'd gone to bed." His eyes lowered to Amy's shirt and he creased his eyebrows.

"Is Sheldon still here? He didn't text me he was leaving."

"He'll be out in a minute. He's just getting his shoes on."

"Oh." He looked again at her shirt and back up to her red cheeks. Amy walked over to the couch, picked her button down off the back and shrugged it back on. Leonard slowly followed her in. "Everything OK?"

"Of course. You're early. I should be asking if everything's OK with you."

"I'm not that early", he said, glancing at his phone. "You don't already know what's going on?"

"I've had my phone turned off. If Penny sent me anything I don't know it yet."

"Oh. Well," Leonard rocked on his heels and rubbed his hands together. "We're good. It's complicated but… I'm sure Penny will fill you in on the details." Sheldon came back out, retrieving his bag and stuffing his supplies back in it. Leonard frowned at Sheldon's wet hair and looked at Amy strangely.

She frowned back at him. She pulled her shirt closed and began buttoning it up. "Please Leonard, don't leer." She walked past Sheldon and started putting kitchen utensils away. Sheldon looked up at Leonard with an eyebrow raised but said nothing. Leonard blushed and shook his head. Once everything was ready Amy walked them to the door and handed Sheldon his coat.

"Goodnight, Sheldon," she said.

Sheldon nodded to her. "Goodnight, Amy."

Leonard raised his hand to wave. "Good…" Amy shut the door in his face. "…night."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leonard looked at Sheldon where he sat in the passenger seat. He was yawning but he hadn't complained yet. Actually, he hadn't said a word since they left.

"So? How did it go?"

Sheldon yawned again. "The primary goal of the evening was achieved."

"You were there for three hours, Sheldon. What happened?" Sheldon looked out the window. "Really? Nothing to say?"

Sheldon shifted and looked confused. He reached in his pocket and gave a breathy laugh at his discovery. "The cookies!" He pulled one out and took a bite. "They're still warm." He closed his eyes and moaned. "Oh, that's so good." He looked at Leonard. "Would you like one?"

"Yeah, thanks." Sheldon kept eating, ignoring Leonard's outstretched hand. "Ya wanna hand me one, buddy?"

Sheldon looked at him disapprovingly. "I didn't mean now. It's not safe to eat and drive."

Leonard returned both hands to the steering wheel. "Of course not."


	5. The Spanish Inquisition

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**The Spanish Inquisition**

Raj walked up the stairs to Sheldon and Leonard's place. Now that the weekend was here, he could finally distract himself without feeling guilty about it. The day had been plotted out Sheldon-style but it still promised to be a lot of fun. After six flights and four floors Raj arrived at their door. He never minded the hike. It helped his calves out better than those Shape-Up sneakers ever did. He knocked on the door and let himself in.

"Hey, guys."

Leonard was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. He nodded to him. "Hey, Raj."

Sheldon finished placing a burned DVD in a jewel case and moved on to set up the controls for the X-Box. He looked over at Raj. "Good, you're on time for once. Now, we have enough time in the day's schedule to play Halo for one hour, stop at the food court for lunch, and still get to the matinee showing of _The Avengers_ early enough to get the good seats. You can help yourself to a beverage. Grab any snacks you want now. For this time of the day I'd recommend the carrot sticks. Leonard? Time to get Penny over here."

Leonard looked at him as he came back into the living room. "Who said anything about Penny coming over?" he asked.

Sheldon sat down in his spot and looked at him in consternation. "It's implied, Leonard! We always play Halo utilizing two two-man teams. Howard isn't here, so that means Penny."

"It's ten in the morning Sheldon, I don't want to drink," Raj whined.

"Then don't talk," Sheldon said simply.

Leonard made no move towards the door. "Penny's sleeping, Sheldon."

"That's why you need to go over. I'd do it but she'd punch me in the throat if I knocked on the door before 11:00."

Leonard sat down in the arm chair. "I'm not bothering Penny. She's got the girls coming over today and she has a full dinner shift tonight. She needs to sleep in."

Raj pulled his head out of the refrigerator. "Penny's working on a Saturday night?"

Leonard shrugged. "It's the best night for tips."

Raj didn't look convinced. "And parties. And clubbing. Penny always wants to go out on the weekends."

"Penny is making some changes." Leonard turned back to Sheldon. "Look, we have tons of games, Sheldon. We'll just play something else."

Sheldon opened his arms in exasperation. "You expect me to just pick something on the spur of the moment?" Leonard dropped his head and ran his hands through his hair as he sighed. Sheldon shook his head. "Really, Leonard. Be serious."

Raj walked over sipping on a juice box and sat on the arm of the couch. "We could play Donkey Kong Jenga."

Sheldon pursed his lips and frowned. "For an hour?"

"Well, what about three-person chess? I still haven't had a chance to play."

"That was your own fault. I wasn't about to let you sit on our furniture naked."

"There was no way to predict I'd react to the medication that way. You said I should swallow them like Tic-Tacs." He looked at Leonard. "So how about it?"

Leonard shrugged. "Works for me."

Sheldon sighed in resignation. "Very well. But I'll always know today was meant for Halo." He went over to the old card catalog cabinet and grabbed two copies of instructions. "Since your memories will never measure up to mine I suggest you review the rules before we start."

Leonard took his and started flipping through the tablet. "Maybe you're the one who should review. I seem to remember kicking your ass last time."

"That was a trial run!" Sheldon handed over the other set of instructions to Raj and went to retrieve the pieces from the game box.

Raj stood up and walked over to Leonard. "What's the real reason you don't want to bother Penny?" he said in a low voice. "Did you two break up again? I get it if you don't want to talk in front of the children."

"We're fine Raj," Leonard said.

"Are you sure? You're pretty good at sticking your foot in your mouth and pretending you meant to do it."

"We didn't break up. Everything's fine. We had a good, adult conversation about what we both want and where our relationship is going."

"Adult conversation? You and Penny?"

"Yes. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Raj looked at him dubiously but continued. "So what did you decide?"

Leonard frowned. "It's complicated."

Raj snorted. "Sure it is."

Sheldon walked back over with the board and poured out a bag full of chess pieces and plastic figurines. "There are a few revisions I've added on page 12 based on problems we encountered the first time," he said as he sorted the pieces between them. "I've added footnotes to the affected sections. Now one of the more interesting twists is the Thief and the Politician have the ability to 'cheat' if the other players don't realize what's happening, but if they are caught, the pieces carry explosive devices that will then burst into flames." Raj and Leonard looked at him like he was crazy. Sheldon gave a breathy laugh. "Bazinga! However I can assure you my inner vision of the imaginary immolation is quite spectacular. In reality, if I catch you, and I always will, I'll just take the piece and hide it in my pocket. It will then be unavailable for use during zombie horde tie breakers, and you know, when it comes to zombie hordes, numbers are what count." Sheldon laughed again. "Oh, I crack myself up!"

They spun the transporter wheel to determine who would go first and settled in to play. Overall the game proceeded smoothly, but whenever Raj or Leonard took too long flipping through the rules as they plotted their next move, Sheldon would roll his neck and move his back around like a snake. He gave no reason for it but Raj began to look uncomfortable sitting next to him.

Finally Leonard had to ask. "Sheldon, why do you keep doing that?"

Sheldon sighed and moved his Old Woman. "My back's a little sore. Not surprising considering I spent two hours last night bent over Amy's sink. I should have stretched before I went to bed but I was exhausted."

"Two hours?" They look at him strangely, then shrugged it off.

Raj moved his Bee Keeper to the edge of the Transporter Pad. "If you weren't such a nut job about touching, I could help you out with that. My hands are magic."

Sheldon scoffed at him "I seriously doubt you're as good at massage as you claim…"

Leonard nodded as he examined the board. "He's not kidding. I had a muscle spasm once after over-extending on Wii Bowling and he worked the knot out in five minutes flat." Sheldon didn't respond. They looked up at him. He didn't appear to be listening. Sheldon was staring out into space while he fingered the back of his left shoulder with his right hand.

"Sheldon?" Leonard said. Sheldon didn't even blink. Leonard snapped his fingers in front of his face. "Sheldon!"

Sheldon jerked and put his arm down. "Was that really necessary?"

Leonard looked at him curiously. "What was that?"

"What was what?" Sheldon said, flustered.

Raj grunted. "He's thinking about Howard again. He just won't admit it."

Leonard grinned and said in a sing-song voice, "He's not thinking about Howard." He laughed and resisted the urge to give Sheldon a friendly punch in the shoulder. "What was the 'inner vision' this time, Sheldon?"

Sheldon looked indignant. "I see no point in confiding in you again considering you were useless in the advice department last time."

Raj looked confused. "What's going on?"

"He's got Amy on the brain," Leonard said.

"Amy?" Raj leaned back in shock. "After that beautiful wedding speech about how much he loves himself?"

Leonard nodded. "I think that ship of suffering you and Howard were hoping for finally sailed into port."

"Is that so?" Raj said. He rubbed his hands together eagerly. "About time! So what happened at Amy's last night? Did she bust your balls some more?"

"Bust my balls?" Sheldon looked bewildered. "I didn't bring any balls over."

"He wants to know the result of your expedition," Leonard translated.

"Ah," Sheldon said, enlightened. "I am pleased to report that Amy's pipes are now perfectly clean and functioning properly. It took a while to work up my courage but after it was done, and especially after showering off the residue of the experience, it was extremely satisfying."

Raj looked disconcertedly at Sheldon. "You're talking about Amy's plumbing, right?" Raj asked. He stopped and looked even more confused. "Wait, that doesn't help. What…"

They heard a knock on the door and Penny stepped in, followed by Amy and Bernadette.

"Hey, strangers! How's it going?"

"Hello, there!" Leonard walked over and gave Penny a kiss. They held onto each other and Penny rubbed his back. "We're just playing some chess before the movie."

She looked at the board skeptically. "That's chess?"

"Yeah, believe it or not." Raj stepped up and whispered to Leonard. Leonard looked surprised but Raj nodded and jerked his head towards the girls. "We're leaving for the matinee pretty soon if you guys want to go."

Bernadette shook her head. "No thanks; I'm not really interested in comic book movies."

"Besides," Penny said, "we want to be able to talk today. Movie theaters aren't very good for that. We're just gonna have a quick snack and then go shoe shopping." Leonard raised an eyebrow at her. "Well, they'll shop. I'll advise."

Amy walked over to Sheldon. She reached into her purse and handed a folded cotton square to him. "You left this at my apartment. I had to hand wash it; I don't have enough whites to justify a load."

Sheldon took it from her and frowned at it. "I doubt you could have effectively removed all the soap residue by hand."

"Sheldon?" Penny said. He looked up. She was giving him a look of warning. Sheldon put his hands behind his back and cleared his throat.

"Thank you, Amy. That was very considerate of you and I appreciate it." He smiled at her.

"Good boy," Penny said.

Amy shook her head. "We both know that's your koala face."

Sheldon frowned and looked at the square again. "Well, I suppose I could give you an 'A' for effort."

Amy thought for a moment and nodded. "Likewise."

Penny rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Anyway, we just stopped by to say hi. We're having some girl time today." She let go of Leonard and stepped toward the door.

Sheldon held up his hand for them to wait. "Before you leave… Bernadette, we have something for you." He walked over to the desk and retrieved the jewel case.

"For me?" Bernadette said, surprised.

Sheldon walked back over and handed the case to her. Raj came over to stand beside him. "This is a recording of Howard's spacewalk. He was calibrating the lasers they brought up."

Bernadette put her hand over her heart and took the DVD from him. "Where did you get this?"

"Raj downloaded it."

She crossed the few steps that separated them and gave Raj a big hug. He smiled down at her. "Thank you, Raj! This is incredible. I've been watching everything they post. Why didn't I see this on the NASA links?" Raj's smile turned a bit guilty.

Sheldon stepped in. "I recommend for your own legal protection that you not inquire too closely about the origins of that video. Now, the feed was in Russian, so with the help of our janitor I took the liberty of adding my own commentary describing what he was doing and why he was doing it wrong." Raj let go of Bernadette and gave Sheldon an exasperated look. Sheldon waved him off. "I said I heard you, I didn't say I agreed."

"Seriously, Sheldon?" Leonard said.

"What? If any of their children ever decide to go into space that commentary will be invaluable."

Bernadette looked at the disk and frowned. "Well, I guess we can watch it on mute." She looked up and smiled again. "I can't wait to see it."

Penny reached over and took it from her. "Later. Today is supposed to be space-free. The plan was to get your mind off this stuff for a while." Bernadette pouted but let her take the disk. Penny waved and walked out. "See you later, guys." Amy followed her without a word.

"Bye," Leonard said. Raj waved. Sheldon was already returning to the couch.

"Thanks again," Bernadette said as she shut the door behind her.

Raj sighed. "I think the emotional support Bernadette is getting from her friends is beautiful."

"We're going to sit in the dark together in silence while we watch all-powerful superheroes blow things up as they trade pithy quips," Leonard said. "That's how men give each other emotional support."

"That's not the only way," Raj said as he sat back down on the couch.

Sheldon snorted derisively. "It's all you're going to get from me." He looked at the board and shook his head. The others still needed to make their moves. He got back up and left to put away the undershirt.

Raj looked at Leonard hopefully. Leonard shook his head as he made his move. "I already told you I'm not going to a strip club."

Raj sighed. "Howard won't go anymore either."

Sheldon returned and sat down.

"What was that anyway?" Leonard asked as he used his Tasmanian Devil to take out two of Raj's pawns.

Sheldon pondered the board and made a move. "Underwear." Raj looked from him to Leonard.

Leonard shook his head. "It's not what you're thinking."

"You're thinking the same thing!"

"Yes, but I still know I'm wrong. Sheldon doesn't work that way."

"It's your move, Raj," Sheldon said.

Raj turned back to Sheldon. "What happened last night?"

"I already told you."

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I unclogged Amy's drain. The details are uninteresting."

Raj looked at Leonard. "Did you notice anything unusual when you picked him up?"

Leonard started to talk, then stopped himself. "I'm not saying anything. It'll all come out wrong."

Raj scooted away from Sheldon so he could turn to fully face him. He rubbed his chin and looked at Sheldon closely before continuing. "Sheldon," he said in a low voice, "did you take your clothes off at Amy's?"

"Yes, partially." Raj dropped his arms. "But it was necessary to get the job done, and obviously I had to undress completely before I got in the shower."

Raj and Leonard looked at each other again. "And Amy?" Raj asked.

"Yes, she did too. But only because she didn't give me enough time to take care of it." They both stared at him in silence. "It's still your turn," he said.

Leonard shook his head to clear it. "Raj, you know they didn't do anything."

Raj shook his hands up at him beseechingly. "Are you listening to him?"

"Yes, but it's Sheldon!" Leonard said. Raj huffed and crossed his arms. Leonard gestured at Sheldon as he tried to placate Raj. "Just ask him if he had sex. You know he can't lie without three pages of backstory."

"What?" Sheldon cried as he sat straight up.

Raj continued talking as if he wasn't there. "How do I ask him that? He'll say no but I don't believe he'd even know what he was doing if he was doing it."

"He read the book," Leonard said.

"He did?" Raj said. He turned back to Sheldon. "Why did you read the book?"

Sheldon got up and stalked over to the kitchen with his glass. "It doesn't matter why," he said. He looked over his shoulder at Leonard. "And I told you that book gave me nightmares."

Leonard crossed his ankle over his knee and looked back at Sheldon. "Why _did_ you read the book?"

Sheldon pulled the iced tea out and started refilling his glass. "I thought it might make conversations like this less baffling. I couldn't have been more wrong about that." He put the jug away and glared at them. "We were supposed to be playing a friendly game of three-person chess. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition."

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Leonard said in a nasal voice. Raj giggled.

Sheldon came back over and sat down. "I will give you that Monty Python is particularly apt considering the ridiculousness of this conversation, but if we don't finish this game soon our lunch will be delayed even further by the onset of the lunch rush and someone else might take the acoustic sweet spot in the theater."

Leonard laughed. "Chill out, Sheldon. You always 'persuade' them to move anyway."

Raj didn't laugh. He looked down at the board with an intense look of concentration. But instead of making a move he looked back up at Sheldon. "What did you do afterwards?"

Sheldon sighed. "If you must know, we had an extremely unpleasant talk about the direction and parameters of our relationship. She threatened to break up with me."

Leonard's face became serious. "OK, that describes nearly my entire sexual history."

"We did not engage in coitus!" Sheldon cried. "All I did was perform a necessary chore as a favor to my girlfriend. Just because the conclusion gave me an unexpected endorphin rush, I don't see how you can jump from there to sexual intercourse."

Leonard didn't know what to believe anymore. "Screw it," he said. He stood up and walked quickly over to the door. Leonard pulled open the door and purposefully crossed the hall to Penny's with Raj following closely on his heels. He raised his fist to knock but was stopped by Penny opening the door as he did so. They were obviously about to go out.

"Oh!" said Penny. "You scared me. What's up?"

Leonard looked past her. Bernadette was standing right behind her, and Amy was walking over as she pulled her purse over her shoulder. He looked at Amy and thought of what had happened in the cafeteria the previous day. Somehow being denied the chance to pound on Penny's door took the wind right out of his sails. He stood there without speaking. Raj wasn't any help.

Penny looked at them impatiently. "Got something on your minds, boys?"

Amy stepped up beside Bernadette and looked at them. "Their stance and reluctance to speak suggest they wish to enquire about something inappropriate." Penny smiled at Leonard and raised her eyebrows. He started to unconsciously rub his fingers together.

"Is that right, Leonard?"

Leonard laughed nervously. "No, of course not. We were just wondering… if maybe you changed your mind about the movie." Raj frowned at Leonard. Leonard laughed again feebly. Amy stepped out and looked more closely at Leonard. Raj looked at Amy, but when she returned the look he looked away towards the staircase.

Penny reached out and fingered the edge of Leonard's hoody. "Come on Leonard," she said teasingly. "What do you want to ask?"

Suddenly, Leonard heard Sheldon's voice behind him. "Can we please just get back to the game?" he pleaded. Leonard looked back at him. He had followed them to the doorway. "You're making fools of yourselves. Nothing happened!"

Leonard looked back at Penny, and realized she was the solution to the problem. His face brightened with the revelation. "You know what? I don't need to ask, because if anything really happened, Amy would have told you and everyone else would have found out by breakfast."

"Amy?"

"That's right." The girls just stared at him. Leonard paused. "You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

"No," Penny said, "but I know you're being an idiot. Amy, do you know what this is about?" Amy looked between Sheldon tapping his foot impatiently in the doorway and at the other two standing in the hall nervously. Sheldon stopped tapping and rubbed his neck again.

"I have a theory," she said.

Penny gestured at Leonard. "You wanna put him out of his misery?"

Amy looked from him back to Penny. "Why?"

"Good question," Penny said. She grabbed Amy's hand and pulled her back into the apartment, then shut the door in Leonard's face.

Leonard stared at the door for a minute, then walked back into his own apartment. "Hell, now this is going to give _me_ nightmares."


	6. The Master Plan

**Sorry about the wait. First, I had to delay to adjust for the Higgs Boson discovery. (Totally worth it. Caltech wishes they had the party I have planned for them.) Then, COMIC CON! Had to throw my costumes together, get ahead on/come up with plausible reasons for putting off work, then run around like a chicken with its head cut off while I skipped around between grabbing autographs, standing in lines for panels, and successfully slipping in and out for Happy Hour in The Gaslamp.**

**Speaking of panels, the announced plans for Raj threw another monkey wrench my way, so I had to adjust for that, too. But standing in line for hours when you've accidentally left your smart phone at home (did I mention misplacing my husband for 9 hours that day?) gives you plenty of time to think, at least. I promise to be more regular from now on. I WILL finish this. **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**The Master Plan**

Penny shut the door and threw her purse down. She turned to Amy and raised an eyebrow. There was nothing gentile about it.

Amy steadied herself and looked towards the door, confused. "Aren't we going shopping?"

"Screw the shoes," Penny said. "What the hell happened last night and why don't I already know about it?"

Amy cocked her head at her quizzically. "I told you beforehand what I was going to do."

Penny wasn't buying it. "Don't act innocent with me, Amy Farrah Fowler. I got a weird text from Leonard last night no one was answering your door and now he apparently knows more about what's going on with you than I do. There is no universe where Leonard is allowed to know more gossip than me."

Amy frowned. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Penny. You had your own relationship to focus on last night. I didn't want to distract you."

"What am I, chopped liver?" They both looked over at Bernadette. They'd honestly forgotten she was there.

Amy looked guilty but her answer was perplexed. "I'm sorry Bernadette, but every time I've tried to engage you in conversation since Howard left it's ended with you telling me to leave you alone."

Bernadette shook her head. She took Amy's hands and smiled kindly at her. "Amy, I know you were just trying to help, but quoting me paragraphs about slime molds isn't what I need right now. I need a _real _distraction. If you were messing around with Sheldon's head, or any other part of him," she squeezed Amy's hands nearly enough to hurt, "then I need to hear about it."

"So what happened?" Penny said as she stepped in even closer. "You said you were going to deflate his ego a little and make him unclog your sink."

"I did," Amy said matter-of-factly.

Bernadette leaned her head forward expectantly. "Is that all?" Amy said nothing and bit her lip. Bernadette's face darkened. She shook Amy vigorously and her voice ramped up to a pitch worthy of her new last name. "Goddammit, Amy! You either give me the dirt now or you tell me nothing happened!" Amy looked at her with wide eyes, then burst into tears. Bernadette dropped her hands and she and Penny both backed off, mortified. Bernadette's voice returned to her usual church mouse pitch. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it that way!"

"I ruined everything!" Amy cried as she dropped into the closest chair. Penny and Bernadette were shocked. They'd seen the aftermath of a hurt Amy before but she'd never broken down in front of them.

Bernadette started apologizing again but Penny waived her off. "Amy, calm down. What do you mean? What's ruined?"

"The Affection Acceleration experiment!" Amy cried. "I ignored all my protocols! The data is meaningless now. I didn't just manipulate him; I jerked him around like my own personal meat puppet. If Leonard hadn't shown up early… if I'd just ignored his knocking…"

"What? You would've what?" Penny cried.

As suddenly as she'd begun, Amy stopped sobbing. She wiped her eyes and sniffed as she got a grip on herself. She grabbed her knees and took several deep breaths. "I'm sorry. Sheldon left late and I stayed up even longer washing his undershirt so it would be dry by morning. I'm afraid I'm not entirely myself." She wasn't crying anymore but her bottom lip was still quivering.

"Then who are you?" Bernadette asked, trying to get her to smile.

"Sorry?" Amy asked, confused.

"If you're not you then… you know…" Bernadette shook her head. "Never mind."

Penny put her hand on Amy's shoulder and looked her in the eye. "Amy, what did you do? What do you mean 'meat puppet'?"

Amy took another deep breath and looked ashamedly down at her hands. "I was angry. Very angry. I took it too far. It just felt, I don't know…" She looked up at Penny beseechingly. "The feeling I got when he grabbed me and stuck his hand down my drain, without a glove on!" She shivered and squeezed her eyes shut. Penny and Bernadette exchanged a disturbed look. "I'm a horrible person. What I did was almost as despicable as when Bernadette went behind Howard's back to his mother to keep him from going into space."

Bernadette winced but let it pass. It was Amy, after all. "Well, we got past that. You will, too."

Penny knelt down beside the chair. "Look, Leonard filled me in on the details from lunch last night. I can see why you were vague about what pissed you off. That was humiliating. But it sounded like you handled it like a pro." She rubbed Amy's back. "Of course you were angry, sweetie. That would have made anyone jealous."

"I wasn't jealous," Amy said sharply. "At least, I don't think I was. But it was so disrespectful! We text each other all day long but he chose to ambush me and then…" Amy's voice became angry. "I told him exactly what I was doing last month and he said he was fine with it! All he's done is complain and whine about it ever since, but when I back off, is he happy? No! He begs me not to stop!" Amy was breathing hard again. "What is wrong with me? That one horrible part when he tried to get me to grab his hand was deliberate but the rest was just Sheldon being Sheldon. None of this bothered me before he asked me to be his girlfriend."

"That's normal," Penny said, smiling. "The more you love them, the more they get under your skin."

Amy looked skeptical. She turned to Bernadette. "I pushed back at him hard last night. He was supposed to move forward at his own pace, not feel like he had to step up or risk losing me. I was mad and frustrated and it was just so easy to push all his buttons. I couldn't help myself." Amy's eyes were shining with excitement and residual tears. "I was on fire. It just kept getting easier and easier. It was as if I could actually see his dendrites flashing as I applied the perfect stimulus at the perfect moment. I couldn't have done better if I had his skull open and an EKG hooked up. That moment before Leonard came in, he would have done anything to make me happy. I know it. If I had let it go on…

"Why the hell didn't you?" Bernadette cried.

Amy frowned disapprovingly at her. "Risk everything for one moment?"

Penny smiled and shrugged. "Those kinds of moments have been some of the best of my life."

"And now they're over," Amy said. Penny blanched. That cut a little deeper than she wanted to admit.

Bernadette tried to redirect the conversation. "Amy, this all sounds a little prudish considering some of the things I've heard come out of your mouth when it's just us girls. Besides, I find getting physical can be a pretty nice short cut when you hit a wall."

"Tell me whether you still feel that way six months from now," Amy said firmly. Bernadette looked halfway between shocked and pissed. They were both finding it hard now to keep feeling sorry for her. She was the only person Penny had ever known who could be blunter than Sheldon. Sometimes she wanted to kill them both. Amy kept going. "There's no way that would work for me anyway, because he _can't_ get physical and when he hits the wall I don't want him running off because his feelings for me are less than the fear he feels. Profound emotional attachment _must _precede any urge to become physical."

"You aren't making any sense," Penny said.

Amy shrugged. "He's my boyfriend but he's also the best friend I've ever had… no offense, bestie… and I don't want to lose him completely if we can't get past that."

"Hey, now," Penny said as she gave her shoulder another squeeze. "It sounds to me like you figured out how to knock that wall down if you want to."

"I didn't think I had it in me but now…" Amy shook her head. She brushed Penny hand off and stood back up. "It isn't going to work that way. He has to acknowledge the problem is with himself or it will never be amount to more than me pushing him. This cannot boil down to me demanding physical contact in exchange for my companionship."

Penny nodded reluctantly. "I guess I understand what you mean. Kurt used to treat me that way. Even ignoring the way it ended I was never really happy with him jerking me around like that."

"Even if he was willing to settle for getting physical for the sole reason of satisfying me, I don't want it that way," Amy said with determination. "I'm 35 years old. I may not be a goddess like you, Penny, or have your adorable spunk, Bernadette, but I have all my limbs, my features are symmetrical, and I have a killer pelvis. If all I wanted was to engage in coitus I would have done so by now." Amy sighed. "The experiment was fool-proof. It might not have resulted in absolute success, but at the least I would have found out now instead of age 60 whether this was going anywhere."

Bernadette waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. You were going to be nice to him and he'd like you more. It's not exactly original, honey. It does work, though. Just keep it up. After putting the screws to him a little he should lap it up even more."

"No, it's not… it wasn't …that simple." Amy reached into her large purse and pulled out a portfolio. She handed it to Bernadette.

Bernadette opened and leafed through it. "Oh, so when you meant experiment, you meant…" Everything was there: Preexisting assumptions and conditions, benchmarks, footnotes for source material, preprinted forms for tracking events and scoring reactions… "Holy smokes!"

Penny looked over her shoulder. "Green good, red bad, right?"

Amy nodded. "To put it simply, yes. Red is a negative response, green positive, yellow would be for what you might call 'mixed messages'. I have a Gantt chart on my laptop collating and tracking responses by week. This is just for an on the spot reference guide. I have quantitative results that conclusively prove I've made progress."

"What's that little star?" Penny pulled the folio away from Bernadette and looked closer. "When did he take your hand? You never told us that."

"I didn't think I needed to. You were both there."

"No we…" Penny followed the note back to the initial conditions box. "The launch?"

"To be fair, you were both distracted," Amy said. "The star is because it did not result from one of my preplanned scenarios. Sheldon initiated it all on his own."

"Son of a bitch," Penny said. "I guess that's why he got up to wash his hands when it was over."

Amy nodded. "I've been tracking everything. I would have added notes on our interaction this morning already, that's why I keep it handy, but everything was derailed last night."

Penny flipped quickly through the rest of the copious notes and closed the folder. "No offense, Amy, but I think you're overthinking this. Of all the great love affairs in history I can't think of a single one that grew out of pie charts."

"Maybe, but it would be a logical fallacy to say that means it can't work."

Penny shook her head at her friend. "Amy, you've never had a boyfriend before. A fight can be a good thing. I do it all the time. Sheldon may be 'special' but you can't do all this stuff for a boy and not expect him to start taking you for granted. Sheldon hasn't been treating you as well as you think, otherwise he never would have let that tramp buy him lunch."

"At least not without asking you if you thought it was OK first," Bernadette said, looking at her down at her nails.

Amy looked at her. "I'm sorry; I still have a little trouble with sarcasm. Was that a joke?"

Bernadette looked sideways at Penny. "I went through my own groupie phase. It's harmless."

Penny looked back at her skeptically. "You didn't happen to go through that 'phase' with the professor you ended up dating for a year, did you?"

Bernadette turned red. "It's not like he had a girlfriend before that."

"Whatever. Amy, if you think Sheldon _can't_ get physical, even if he wanted to," Penny said, tossing the folder onto the coffee table, "what's the point of all of this?"

Amy opened her mouth then stopped.

Penny stared at her. "I don't believe it! Now you suddenly have a filter?"

"Penny, I'd tell you but… you tend to…" Amy looked uncomfortable.

"Tend to what?" Penny said, offended.

"Leonard wasn't being entirely untruthful when he referenced your loose lips."

"What about me?" asked Bernadette.

Amy looked at Penny entreatingly.

"Fine," Penny pouted. "I'll wait in the bedroom."

"Close the door," Amy said.

Penny flashed her an annoyed look, then a looked a little abashed. She really had planned to eavesdrop if she could. The door shut and Amy sat down on the couch with Bernadette.

"Are you familiar with Prochaska's study on self-regulating cognitive behavior modification?" Amy asked.

Bernadette blinked. "I've heard of it."

"What about Hartney's observations on self-imposed barriers to overcoming maladaptive behavioral and substance addictions? The accepted interpretations are rather ubiquitous."

Bernadette's eyebrows creased as she tried to figure out what Amy was getting at. "Yessss, but if that's what you want to talk about I don't think Penny needed to leave the room."

"Considering the problems she's had with her brother's struggles with drug addiction she might see the relevance better than you." Amy thought silently for a minute. "You know how Sheldon always has to knock in three sets of three?" Bernadette shrugged.

"Everyone does. Even if you open the door early he still needs to finish."

"Did you know he didn't always do that? Penny told me he didn't when she first met him. His behavior has become increasingly ritualized over time, even considering he has a stable and supportive social group. Then there's his mysophobia, especially where bodily fluids are concerned. He has an IQ of 187. He knows the actual odds and risk associated with physical contact but will put himself in even riskier situations to avoid them. He has overcome it on occasion but not without consequences. For instance, he knows I practice excellent hygiene and he's always been more relaxed with me because of that, but did you know the day after he gave me the tiara he told me he ended up brushing his teeth that night until his gums bled?"

Bernadette gasped. She didn't know what to say to that. "Well… it's Sheldon, what can you do?"

"I can't do anything, but he can."

Bernadette wasn't sure she heard her right. "You just admitted he can't control that."

Amy shook her head and crossed her arms. She looked very sure of herself in that moment. "I'm a neurobiologist, not a psychiatrist, but there are treatment options he could pursue if he admitted this was a problem and not simply a 'lifestyle choice'."

"Treatment?" Bernadette said in surprise. "Are you sure? He's always telling everyone his mother already had him tested."

"A visit to a mobile clinic run by a doctor with two malpractice suits under his belt does not a diagnosis make. That man was able to add a third lawsuit to his resume after Sheldon's reaction to the prescription he gave him. It's how his parents paid for boarding school. And Mrs. Cooper never followed up with the specialist in Houston like that quack told her to. If Sheldon continues on this course, he could end up like Howard Hughes one day."

"So… you think if he decides on his own he wants more, but he can't get past his own defenses to do it…"

"It has to be his decision. If he doesn't think I'm worth it in the end, I'll get over it. At least I will if it happens soon and not ten years from now. We'll go back to being friends. If he tries and nothing works, at least I'll know there's nothing more I could have done. But now…" Amy huffed in exasperation. "I nearly had enough data to refine the experiment even more. It can be hard to tell whether some of Sheldon's actions are based on affection or merely his need to control everything. Now that he's going to be second guessing himself based on how I might react…" she threw her hands up in despair. "I just don't know how to proceed."

Bernadette smiled and nudged her arm with her shoulder. "Just change the direction of your experiment. Drop everything you've been doing for him that you don't enjoy, too. Penny's right about that. You shouldn't be playing dress up if you hate costumes, at least not for anything outside of birthdays and anniversaries." Bernadette winked at her. "Trust me, if you got Sheldon to stick his hand down a drain for you he already cares about you a lot. You want him to want to touch you. Fine. Then logically you were going to have to work on the physical aspect eventually. Just go for it."

Amy frowned. "I don't know…"

Bernadette patted her hand. "I have a few tricks that I guarantee Penny's never bothered with. Sheldon's an ass but he took your hand on his own, no matter how much Purell he used afterwards. He bought you that diamond tiara when he couldn't come up with another way to ask for your forgiveness. I don't know about love but the affection's already there. I can help with the other angle."

"I just told you why I can't be the one to initiate contact anymore."

"Don't worry. That's exactly the angle you want to take."

Amy wiped her nose again and sat up straight. She looked skeptical but attentive.

"I'm listening."


	7. Screwed

**I should probably have said this in the beginning: I'm going off the week of May 10****th**** 2012 (actual air date) for Howard and Bernadette's wedding, and any other events in my story will be paced to match the real world (ours, not Lorre's) from then on. I can be kind of a nut about timelines. Anything else I mention, from details on the Higgs Boson 'discovery' to whether the moon was full that day, is also real (feel free to google away) although I may exaggerate the significance of some articles in the scientific community.**

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Chapter 7**

**In which Sheldon finds himself joined to an object along an inclined plan wrapped helically around an axis**

The guys hadn't stopped talking about the movie since the house lights came back up. There wasn't one detail they didn't parse. As they opened the door to Leonard's building and moved towards the stairs they moved on to the subject of the baffling waitress who kept popping up near the end.

"Why did she look so familiar?" Leonard asked.

"She was the little girl on _Growing Pains_," Raj answered as he chewed on his last red vine.

Leonard gave him a surprised look. "How do you know that?"

"I can't enjoy situation comedies?"

"Sure you can," Leonard said as they rounded a corner, "but that show's been off the air for twenty years."

Raj shrugged. "I am a well-rounded individual. She was in _What Women Want_, too. That movie made me cry."

"I don't care who she was," Sheldon said. "I kept waiting for her to do something. It lessened the impact of the actual battle."

"I think they were just trying to give the audience someone to identify with," Leonard said.

Sheldon gave him a baffled look. "Why would we want to identify with someone who isn't a superhero?"

"If they wanted to give a cameo to a former 90s child star, they should have hired Mayim Bialik. At least she has a PhD in neuroscience," Raj said as he waved his red vine for emphasis.

Leonard stopped on the next landing for a moment as he tried to make sense of that. "What does that have to do with playing a waitress in a superhero movie?"

Raj shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. I just think it's cool that she has a PhD."

The boys continued on to the next floor as Leonard looked warily at Raj. "Your obsession with Mayim Bialik is really starting to creep me out."

Sheldon waved his hand dismissively. "As annoying as the red herring of the recurring waitress was, we may see something that justifies her presence when the deleted scenes are released on DVD. No, the main flaw of the movie was the complete lack of Ant-Man and The Wasp. They were founding members of The Avengers. Can anyone explain to me why they were replaced by Black Widow? She was next to useless."

"But she's so hot!" Raj exclaimed.

"As I said: Useless. She was a spy, anyway. Her character was totally unsuited for any fight involving more than ten people. She was holding a pistol in the middle of a warzone! I had a better weapon than that when I was ten."

Raj wouldn't be swayed. "She closed the portal and stopped the army. They couldn't have done it without her."

"That only worked because Whedon wrote it that way," Sheldon said.

Leonard shook his head. "And I suppose the rest of the movie wrote itself?"

"What could a man who can shrink to the size of an ant accomplish?" Raj said before he could stop himself.

Sheldon immediately shifted to lecture mode. "Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. He could have shrunk down and rode on one of Hawkeye's arrows just like he did in _The Avengers_ issue 223. Though Loki's godlike reflexes allowed him to catch Hawkeye's arrow, Ant-Man could have then allowed the momentum to carry him the rest of the distance, allowing him to plunge into Loki's inner ear and destroy his sense of equilibrium. They would then both to plummet helplessly to the earth below."

"That's just stupid," Raj said.

"It would be a noble sacrifice!" Sheldon cried. "And it would be more believable than Black Widow jumping around like she has no mass when her character has no superpowers. Tiny creatures can be very dangerous. That's why I'm always suspicious of small insects."

"You aren't fooling anyone, Sheldon," Raj said. "You spent university funds on a glow-in-the-dark ant farm for your office. Everyone knows you love ants."

"That's right," a new voice chimed in. "It's ladybugs you're afraid of." Raj turned around to see Penny following them with an armful of groceries. He clammed up immediately; horrified by the thought he had been speaking in front of Penny without knowing it. She must have been right behind them since the parking lot.

"Sorry, sweetie," Penny said smiling. "I only get to hear you talk when you're drunk. I couldn't help myself."

Sheldon didn't miss a beat. "Ladybugs not only fit the size profile, they can fly. That makes them infinitely more dangerous."

Leonard was surprised to see Penny there alone. "Did the others already go home? What happened to Girl Time?"

Penny gave him an annoyed look and handed him her grocery bag. "Because _somebody_ had to point out how I've got the biggest mouth in Pasadena, I got kicked out of my own apartment."

"Are you serious?" Leonard couldn't quite believe it.

Penny twisted her lip and looked away. "Well, they didn't kick me out until they caught me trying to eavesdrop."

Leonard put his hand on her arm to stop her "So something did happen last night?" Raj leaned in, all ears.

Penny relished the eager expressions on their faces but she had to disappoint them. She looked sternly at Sheldon. "The only thing that happened was Amy was too easy on him. She actually feels guilty about the whole thing."

"Really?" Sheldon asked. He sounded pleased.

"Oh," Leonard said, disappointed. "Seemed like Sheldon was asking for it if you ask me." Raj nodded.

"Excuse me!" Sheldon said indignantly. "You were my friends first!"

As they rounded the corner to the last flight of stairs, Bernadette popped around the corner on her way down. She squeaked in surprise when she saw them and dropped the letter she was carrying. It glided down the stairs, hitting Penny in the shin. She picked it up and glanced at it. "What?" she said in surprise. She looked between her and Sheldon. "Why can't you just hand it to him?" she asked Bernadette as she nimbly bounced down the stairs and took the letter back.

Bernadette flashed an innocent smile at them and shrugged. "Amy says it has to be certified. His rules." Sheldon started and looked at the letter nervously.

"I don't get it," Penny said. "Where's Amy? Why isn't she mailing it?"

"I didn't want to give her the chance to chicken out. She's still in your apartment; vacuuming. She thinks it's relaxing. Be back soon!" Sheldon watched Bernadette skip down the stairs until she turned the corner, then followed the others back home.

XXXXX

"So did you find the movie enjoyable or not?" Amy asked, confused by the mixture of derision and praise in Sheldon's movie review. They hadn't seen each other for the rest of the day. It wasn't on the schedule. But Sheldon had requested a Skype session with her as bedtime approached.

"Overall, I did enjoy the experience," Sheldon said. "Despite some glaring inconsistencies with the Marvel Universe it was a well-made movie. It's hard to stay mad at the creator of Firefly, even when he does screw up."

Amy gave up. "I don't really care, I'm just glad you had a nice time."

"Thank you," Sheldon said. "How was your day?"

"Unfortunately, I did not have a chance to purchase a new pair of loafers. Girl talk preempted shopping. On a brighter note, I did finally succeed in distracting Bernadette from her fruitless worrying."

"Really?" Sheldon said, surprised. "How did you accomplish that? Perhaps your example would help me manage Koothrapali better."

"I doubt it," Amy said. "It would involve you discussing your private life and being open to suggestions on how to proceed."

"Oh," Sheldon said. "No. I don't see myself doing that."

"I didn't think you would."

"I do feel compelled to say…" Sheldon paused, then went on. "That was… rather noble of you to lower yourself to her level to help her out."

Amy smiled. "It wasn't entirely unpleasant. Besides, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for friends."

"That's never been my experience."

Amy cocked her head at him, "That's not entirely true."

"Well, I try not to make a habit of it." Sheldon swallowed and nervously tapped his mouse. "Speaking of Bernadette, we passed her on stairs when we returned." He paused to allow Amy to comment but she said nothing. "She had a letter she had to mail…" Amy stared expectantly at him but continued to say nothing. Sheldon frowned. "She said it had to be certified."

Amy huffed. "Sheldon, can I expect a question soon or is this simply a list of observations?"

"No! No, never mind. I have nothing more to say."

"Very well," Amy said pleasantly. "Neither do I. Good night, Sheldon."

"Good night, Amy." Sheldon shut his laptop and rubbed his stomach. It fluttered unpleasantly. He walked over to the bathroom to retrieve the Pepto Bismol. Perhaps he overdid it on the red vines that day.

XXXXX

Three days later, Sheldon looked up from reorganizing his comic book collection to see Leonard at his bedroom door. "Sheldon? There's someone at the door for you."

Sheldon was surprised. He wasn't expecting anyone. "Who is it?" he asked as he passed Leonard. Leonard didn't answer but followed him to the living room.

Sheldon was halfway to the door when he recognized the mailman. He was holding out a letter and an electronic signature stylus. "Dr. Cooper? I need you to sign for this."

Sheldon froze for a brief moment, then stepped up and signed the pad. He took the letter and turned pale when he read it.

The mailman looked at him sympathetically. "This the same girl you changed the building address to hide from?"

"Huh? Oh. Yeah."

"Guess she tracked you down anyway. Do yourself a favor, son. Do _not_ wait to open that. Certified mail is one step away from a summons. Trust me, when it gets to this point you do not mess with baby-mamas." Leonard snorted with muffled laughter.

Sheldon nodded vacantly as he stared at the letter. Across the hall, Penny cracked open the door and looked out at them. "While I'm unfamiliar with your quaint slang I appreciate the advice."

The mailman slapped Sheldon on the shoulder. Sheldon flinched. "Good luck, boy. Be careful. Bitches be crazy."

Sheldon backed into the living room and made his way blindly towards his spot. He didn't notice Penny stick an Ugg-clad foot in the door before Leonard could close it and barge her way in. "Finally! I've been on pins and needles waiting for that thing to show up. Neither of them would tell me what it was."

Sheldon's face was pale as he stared at Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler's return address in the upper left corner of the envelope. "She said she wasn't… She said it was OK…" He started to slip his finger under the corner of the letter but stopped himself. He looked up at Penny and Leonard's concerned faces and straightened up. "I have to type up my lecture on supersymmetry tomorrow and can't risk a papercut." It didn't look like they believed him. Sheldon wasn't sure he cared. He held the letter out with a shaking hand. "Leonard, you open it."

Leonard pulled his hands up towards his chest and sucked air past his teeth. "I really don't want to get in the middle of…"

Penny snatched the letter away and ripped it open. "Dr. Sheldon Cooper, you are hereby informed… blah, blah, blah… What is all this legal crap? Wait…" Penny laughed gleefully. "Go Amy! It's about time!" She smirked at Sheldon. "That relationship agreement of yours is utter bullshit."

Sheldon jumped up, enraged. "How dare you take her side! You were my friend first! Sympathy based on gender is nothing more than blatant sexism."

"Being a woman has nothing to do with it. Well, maybe it does. But that thing is beyond ridiculous. You can't control a person like that."

"I don't want to control her! I just want things to be safe."

"Safe from what?" Penny demanded. Sheldon said nothing but began to shake all over. Leonard stepped in.

"Alright, just cool it. What _exactly_ does it say?" He took the letter from Penny and looked it over. "It's not that bad. She's not breaking up with you. She just wants to renegotiate the agreement."

Sheldon was not appeased. "She can't do that! She has to wait for the annual review."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon," Leonard said, exasperated. "This says you have 24 hours from the time you receive this to either agree to a renegotiation or to consider this notice of termination."

Sheldon finally took back the letter and read it himself. "But she doesn't want to sit down for three weeks! We have a date night before then. Am I supposed to go out and eat my dinner beneath a sword of Damocles while I wonder what kind of crazy demands that woman has in store for me?"

"It's not all about you," Penny said. "She's probably putting it off because doesn't want to cause any more drama before Howard comes home."

"Drama?" Sheldon said, confused.

"You know, in case…" Leonard rubbed his fingers through his unruly curls. "In case it ends badly. I mean, you got all those cats when you 'broke up' before, and you were just friends then.

"A clowder. A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring. You should know that," Sheldon said softly. He looked sick.

"Come on," Leonard said. "You get to keep things the way you like a little longer while you think about what you're willing to change." Sheldon flinched at the word 'change'.

Penny was not as sympathetic. "Buck up, Romeo. Amy is still Amy. It won't be that bad. Just try not to be so… you."

He glared at her. "And who should I be like? Leonard? Howard?"

"You could do worse, sweetie."

Sheldon stalked off to his room. "Loyalty in the 21st century is dead!"


	8. The Art of War

**The Art of War**

Sheldon wove his way through the Barnes and Noble bookstore. He had spent all of the buffer time built into his weekly schedule researching recommended literature and evaluating reviews. Today was the last step. He had found everything he needed. The stack of books was heavy but he needed to be assured he'd have no reason to risk leaving his favorite chair once he commandeered it. Leonard wouldn't be back for hours. If he didn't want his bottom to fall asleep or his eyes to begin aching from the inadequate fluorescent lighting, securing the proper spot was not only desirable, it was essential. Most of the chairs were empty this early on a weekend, but the one he wanted was taken. Of course it was. It was the best one.

The key, not unlike evicting an intruder from the acoustic sweet spot in a movie theater, was standing close enough to make the patron feel uncomfortable while giving them no cause to call for security. The only time it wouldn't work was when the target chose to smile coyly at him instead of retreating. Sheldon couldn't understand that. What kind of pervert likes it when a stranger comes up and practically breathes down their neck anyway? Luckily, the old man in Sheldon's spot only looked briefly at him out of the corner of his eye and then pretended he didn't see him. It would only be a matter of time.

Sheldon laced his fingers together under the pile of books he'd selected and let his mind wander as he stood as still, and as creepily, as a Weeping Angel from Doctor Who. As happened all too often lately, a certain green-eyed vixen invaded his thoughts in place of his latest line of inquiry in particle physics or which superhero would win in a cage fight.

When Sheldon first met Amy, he was amazed to find there existed in the world someone he could _really_ talk to. They could talk about any topic for hours if they chose to. One of the best parts though, was that although Amy consistently challenged him, Sheldon always came out on top. Amy didn't mind. She said it was refreshing to finally be able to talk to someone at her intellectual level. He didn't even correct her by reminding her he still seven IQ points above her. He agreed with her; they truly were kindred spirits. He never thanked Raj and Howard for bringing her into his life. He never even gave them credit for being right. He still believed dating websites were hokum, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Then the day came when she would not concede a point. Namely, which of their respective fields was the superior. He terminated the relationship. She, rather than yield, agreed with his decision. That should have been it. Instead, 25 cats later and voluntarily carrying 65% of the blame for the impasse, he found himself consciously allowing himself to be led along a trajectory where he knew less and less what to expect from her, while she was learning to read him as well as Meemaw could.

The shift in the mental balance of power between them was disturbing enough. While once he had changed the address on his building in a futile attempt to avoid her, now the idea of her absence from his life was intolerable. He wanted Amy with him. The label on the relationship and what others thought that should mean didn't matter. His friends, his mother even, might not get it, but he could accept that. However, now things were beginning to veer off in a direction that made him feel more than off-balance. Frankly, he was beginning to feel scared.

The Relationship Agreement was his ace in the hole. Walls, boundaries, schedules, and rules so tight they should have been free to bounce around without a care within the safe world it prescribed. Even the few violations that occurred, of which both they had both been guilty, couldn't do enough damage to seriously jeopardize either the relationship or his security.

She had stated she wished to amend it for quite some time. The problem now was she fully intended to do it. He was just starting to realize that although she may still defer to him on issues of string theory vs. loop quantum gravity or why Star Trek was better than Star Wars, the last time he'd been in control of their relationship was the night he asked her to be his girlfriend. It had been a nightmare of emotions and altered schedules and date nights ever since.

God help him. He loved it.

Which was why it was _imperative_ that he find a way to keep things the way they were without giving her cause to walk away from the agreement.

Sheldon's victim finally gave up and evacuated the cushy chair by the window. Sheldon slid into it immediately, silently repeating to himself that the residual heat he felt was not a cause for alarm. He placed the majority of the books beside him on the floor and took the first one off the pile. He smiled at the title: _The Art of War._

The one thing he knew he could count on was that Amy was still, like him, a creature of reason. Maybe he couldn't _make_ her do what he wanted, but if he could demonstrate that his way really was the right way, she would yield. She would never ignore logic just to get her own way.

He, on the other hand, was willing to play dirty if the cause was just.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

As lunch approached, Sheldon had read enough to decide which books were mere hype and which ones might actually aid his cause. He left the unwanted books on the floor, since if he worked at a bookstore the idea of patrons possibly returning books to the wrong location would have bugged the heck out of him, and took his considerably smaller purchase across the street to meet Leonard at Bob's Big Boy. Raj was at the Santa Monica pier on his periodic (and so far fruitless) search for a Patang fighting kite worthy of replacing the one Sheldon had won from him. He had also made it clear he had no intention of helping Sheldon dig a deeper hole for himself, whatever that meant.

Sheldon made his way towards the back of the restaurant past the retro posters of bobbysoxers and chubby hamburger boys and was pleased to see Leonard had managed to obtain their old table. It had been ages since he'd been there. The Cheesecake Factory simply had a superior bacon burger for Tuesday dinners.

"Hello, Leonard," Sheldon said as he sat down right on time and took a sip of the beverage Leonard had preordered for him.

"Hi, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Find everything you needed?"

"Yes," Sheldon said primly. "It was a most productive morning. Very educational."

Leonard raised an amused eyebrow at that. "Did you just admit you don't already know everything?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Leonard," Sheldon said, picking up his menu. "No one knows everything." Sheldon opened up his menu and browsed the specials. "Ooh! Strawberry season!"

A redheaded waitress walked up in black shorts and an ugly blouse with little Big Boys all over it. She smiled at Leonard.

"Looks like your friend showed up."

"Yep. Right on time."

"Hi. I'm Tanya," she said to Sheldon. "So, are you guys ready to order?"

"I'll get the burger, well-done," Leonard said. "No mayo. Fries on the side."

"Do you want cheese on that?"

"No. Definitely not."

"And you sir?" she said to Sheldon.

"I'll have the Chinese chicken salad, dressing on the side, and a bowl of strawberries."

"Okeydokey. Coming right up," she said.

Sheldon stopped her as she turned to leave. "Are you sure you don't want to write that down?"

The friendly smile on her face froze in place. "No, I've got it. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Sheldon said cheerily. The waitress walked off, throwing Sheldon a look over her shoulder.

Leonard pulled the paper tape off his silverware bundle "So, I'll probably regret asking this but what did you learn?"

"Notwithstanding my main reason for this foray into the humanities, I believe I've already learned a few tricks that will help me at this year's Comic Con. For instance, I now understand how you got Brent Spiner to show up to your birthday party."

"That's nothing new, Sheldon. It's called bargaining."

Sheldon pulled his shoulders into his chest and scrunched his face up. "Mmm… you may have been doing something similar, but according to this you still did it wrong." Sheldon pulled out a book called _The Mutual Gains Approach _and handed it to Leonard. "Now don't feel bad, apparently I have a lot to learn myself."

Leonard dropped the book onto the table after one glance. "It's not rocket science, Sheldon."

"No, if only it was that simple," Sheldon said sadly. "At the most basic level, I should be asking for _more_ than I want instead of starting at my comfort point. The losing party will feel happier with the exact same outcome as long as they experience the illusion of having won something during the process."

Tanya came back and placed their orders in front of him. "Do you need any cat…"

"Excuse me," Sheldon interrupted. "The minimum amount of time it takes to prepare a well-done hamburger of this thickness is four minutes on each side, plus two minutes for assembly. How could you possibly bring this out so quickly?"

The waitress frowned at him. "Tell ya' what, sweetheart. Next time, I promise to let it sit on the counter and get cold if that will make you feel better."

"No, it most definitely will _not_ make me feel better."

"Sarcasm, Sheldon," Leonard said. He turned back to the waitress and held out his hand placatingly. "It's fine. Thank you." The waitress gave Leonard a smile but gave Sheldon a dirty look as she turned and walked away. Leonard wondered briefly how much foreign saliva Sheldon had unknowingly ingested over his years of dining out. He took a pull on the straw of his iced tea and looked back at Sheldon. He was looking at the book thoughtfully as he pulled the cover off his salad dressing.

"You know, I wonder if cuddling was what Amy wanted all along when she asked me to give her a 'wild night of torrid lovemaking'." Leonard choked and started coughing. "What is your true goal when you ask Penny to participate in coitus?"

Leonard took another swallow of tea and cleared his throat. "Sex, Sheldon. When I ask Penny for sex, it's because I want sex."

"No, no, no." Sheldon sighed. "If that's the case, what's your success rate?"

Leonard shrugged. "10% of the time, it works 100% of the time."

Sheldon frowned. "Why don't you just say 10% of the time?"

"It's a joke, Sheldon."

Sheldon shook his head in disapproval. "You know how I feel about those."

"You like Amy's jokes."

"Amy's jokes are funny. Now, according to this," he said, tapping the book, "it is essential to start from a higher bargaining position if you want to guarantee success. That's what Stuart was doing when he sold us the Game of Thrones official reproduction sword. You should do the same thing with Penny."

Leonard couldn't believe even Sheldon could come up with that conclusion. "Sheldon, that's fine for the comic book store but there are certain areas in life where asking for more will get you a punch in the throat."

"You know what?" Sheldon said, returning the book to the bag, "I'll just give this to you when I'm done. Despite your New Jersey street smarts there's obviously a lot of room for improvement."

"Fine," Leonard said. "What else did you get?"

Sheldon pulled the rest of the books out of the bag. "_The Prince_, _An Analysis of the Peloponnesian War_, Sun Tzu…"

"Are you trying to learn how to talk to your girlfriend or have you finally decided to become a super villain?"

"Leonard, please. These are all classics references for skilled negotiators. True, this kind of research has been unnecessary when crafting agreements with persons of inferior intelligence, like yourself, but Amy…"

Leonard had been about to take a bite of his burger but dropped it back down to his plate. "Sheldon, you really need to stop talking about _my_ supposed deficiencies. When we bought that sword you wanted me to pay Stuart _more_ than he was asking. You had twenty different books on that list. Why did you buy these?" He picked up the Peloponnesian War off the top of the stack and looked at it in confusion.

"Yes, I can understand your confusion on that one, but according to Byron Hanchett, no doctorate but his practical experience is quite impressive, it can be considered a primer for what _not_ to do in a negotiation. Did you know that when Athens first debated a strategy to negotiate for the surrender of the rebels on …"

"My father's an anthropologist, Sheldon. I probably know more about history than you do."

Sheldon looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure? You certainly haven't applied any of its lessons in your life."

Leonard felt his temper slowly begin to rise. "And the Sun Tzu?" he asked tersely.

"I actually finished reading that already. But as short as it was it seems applicable to an entire range of situations I've found myself in. I'm positive Amy must have read this. It would explain a lot." He flipped it open and turned to a page in the middle. "See? According to Sun Tzu, choosing the time and place of battle is one of the essential keys to winning a battle before it has even begun. That's why she backed off when I was at her apartment last week. Because I had _chosen _to be there, she was at a disadvantage. So she instead chose to send me that… _letter_ dictating when we have to revise the Relationship Agreement. Perhaps if I control the venue for the discussion…"

"You still think you were in charge last week?" Not for the first time, the obvious flaws in the IQ testing process popped into Leonard's head. "Sheldon! Let me spell it out for you; she's better at this than you are. You go into this like it's a battle and all you're going to do is risk pissing her off."

Sheldon was not impressed. "There is no basis for that remark. I am smarter than Amy. There are tests that prove it."

"Do I need to draw you a picture?"

"That would be nice."

"It's sarcasm, Shel… Wait." A thought occurred to Leonard. "Actually, I can."

Leonard slipped his paper placemat out from under his plate and flipped it over and drew a graph. He drew a slightly rising linear line starting near (0,0) and labeled it 'S'. He drew another line labeled 'A' from the same point and slowly curved it up in an exponential arc. "This is how fast the two of you have been catching on to how to deal with a romantic relationship," he said. "Three weeks of cramming are not going to let you catch up."

For a moment, Sheldon actually looked concerned. Leonard's crude Cartesian illustration followed his earlier train of thought a little too close for comfort. But then he shook his head. "Irrelevant. Although the paradigm of our relationship may technically fall under the heading 'romantic' by referring to ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, Amy and I share a relationship of the mind. That is all we agreed to."

"You can't control everything."

Sheldon grumbled. "I can try."

"Look, don't…" Leonard was about to say _Don't tell Penny I said this_ when he realized it would practically guarantee Sheldon would. Leonard swallowed the warning and went on anyway. Someone had to say it. "Have you considered breaking up? Just going back to being friends?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, poking at his salad. "I don't want to."

"Seriously. Why not? If she wants more than you're prepared to give…"

"So you now you think Penny dumping you in the middle of the bowling alley because she didn't love you was a hot idea."

"I…" Leonard stopped. He wasn't sure what to make of that comment. Whether it was just Sheldon being snarky or he meant something more. "I didn't say I had all the answers. I just know this is a bad idea."

"Maybe for you," Sheldon said contemptuously. "This is my life."

Leonard leaned back in his chair and threw his hands up. "Sheldon, do you want Amy or do you want to win?"

At that moment Tanya the waitress came back over and refilled their beverages. She ignored Sheldon and addressed Leonard. "Is the food OK? You aren't eating much."

Leonard tried to give her a reassuring smile. "It's fine, thanks." Actually, he wasn't really sure. He still hadn't tasted it. "We just got caught up talking."

Tanya brushed her hand across his shoulder chidingly. "Well, don't let it get cold." She winked at him and turned away. Leonard couldn't help but watch her well-formed calves flex as she as she walked away from him. He looked back at Sheldon. He was giving him a dirty look. For one crazy second Leonard thought it was disapproval because of the flirting.

Then Sheldon opened his mouth and brought him back to reality. "If you hold back on your criticism, Leonard, you're only robbing her of the opportunity to improve herself."

Leonard gave up. He wasn't getting anywhere with him anyway. "Let's just eat. Penny and I want to hang out before she goes into work tonight."

"Another Saturday dinner shift," Sheldon nodded and took a bite of his salad. "I've noticed she's been making some, dare I say it, responsible improvements in her usual happy-go-lucky lifestyle."

Leonard nodded and took a bite of his hamburger_. Damn it. This is medium-rare. _"Penny's trying to maximize the money she makes waitressing so she can spend more time auditioning. She still wants to be an actress. It's the whole reason she moved to California in the first place. She knows she's reaching her expiration date if she wants to break into the business and she knows she hasn't been taking it seriously enough."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow in mild surprise. "A wise conclusion. I wasn't aware Penny's critical thinking skills had advanced to that level."

"She's talking about taking an acting class too but she doesn't have the money yet."

"She hasn't had a problem with spending other people's money before. What's stopping her now?"

Leonard looked at the ceiling and shrugged. "It's a lot of money. And she doesn't want to depend on me that way, at least not for something like that. I said I'd support whatever decision she made."

Sheldon looked at him warily. "I hope you said as long as that decision isn't a singing career."

"I'm hoping it doesn't come to that," Leonard said, one corner of his mouth curling up into a smile.

"So you won't be proposing to Penny again in the near future?"

The half-smile disappeared. "No. She said it's not me. She doesn't want to settle down with anyone yet. I promised I wouldn't ask again. When she's ready to think about it, she'll bring it up."

"Well, congratulations on finally finding a point of equilibrium in your on again/off again relationship. This should make my life much more pleasant."

Leonard stared at his underdone burger. "I love her. She's worth it." he said. It didn't sound like he was talking to Sheldon.

"Well, I'm glad you finally found an arrangement that makes you happy."

Leonard shrugged. "Penny's happy." They continued eating in silence. Leonard allowed his gaze to wander around the busy restaurant as he chewed methodically. His eyes fell on a Norman Rockwell-esque depiction of a young couple sharing one milkshake with two straws as they stared into each other's eyes. In the background a soda jerk looked on with a bemused expression as he polished a glass. "I wish things could be that simple." Sheldon looked up and followed the direction of Leonard's gaze. "You know, carefree and innocent. I've never had a moment like that."

"I have."

Leonard wasn't sure he heard that right. "What did you say?"

Sheldon took a sip of his drink and nodded. "When Mom went to bible study and Georgie was supposed to be watching us, he used to take me and Missy with him down to Thrifty's. He'd get us a malted to share so we'd be quiet while he tried to look down the ice cream girl's blouse. She had green hair." Sheldon grimaced as he looked thoughtfully the poster. "We had to sit on the counter because we were too short to sit on the stools. We were just under three years old at the time. Missy would always giggle whenever I blew bubbles." He looked back at Leonard. "I guess your sister was too old to do that with. And then there's your lactose intolerance…"

Leonard stopped him. "You think that's a picture of a brother and sister?" Surely even Sheldon couldn't be that naïve.

"Yes. I just explained how I know what I'm talking …"

Leonard got up and stalked over to the poster. He smacked his menu over it, blocking off the bottom half so all you saw was the couple's eyes. "You're telling me you looked at your sister this way?" Sheldon stopped talking. He blinked rapidly and blushed. _Miracle of miracles, he gets it._ "You know who I have seen you look at like this?" Leonard asked. Sheldon looked down and shook his head while his eye began to twitch. "This! This is what I'm talking about. Don't give me any crap about how all you care about is quality conversation because the rest of us are too stupid to waste your time on. Maybe you can't stand to touch her but she's got her own brand of crazy in that, for some godforsaken reason, she likes you anyway. You go into this guns blazing and You Will Fuck This Up." Sheldon gasped at Leonard's coarse language. The woman in the booth next to him looked up from her lunch and gave him a dirty look. Leonard ignored them both and kept talking. "So cut your losses now. Either give her what she wants, or break up and hope to God you can still be friends."

Leonard sat back down and took an aggressive bite of his cold burger. Sheldon, for once, had nothing to say. "And give me that!" Leonard grabbed _The Prince_ out of the pile and threw it onto the cart of a passing bus boy. "Whatever you decide there is no way in hell I'm letting you read that book." Sheldon opened his mouth to protest but stopped at the look on Leonard's face. "Now hurry up and eat. I have my own crappy relationship to take care of."


	9. Wolowitz Down

**Emotions seem to be running pretty high in Fanfic Land right now. Hopefully this will be a little break for y'all. I don't think anyone's written this scene yet, so constructive criticism would be very welcome.**

**XXXXXXX**

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**Wolowitz Down**

Penny sat on the couch with Sheldon while Leonard got some snacks together in the kitchen. She was dressed nicer than usual today. She'd had an early audition that morning. Sheldon and Leonard had come home early from work and Raj hadn't even gone in that day. Amy was stopping to pick up him and Bernadette on her way over. They were due to arrive soon. The NASA channel was periodically showing an extremely inaccurate display of the capsule's disintegrating orbit as it was about to enter the atmosphere to begin its free-fall descent. Computer controls could provide slight changes in pitch and approach angle to slow the descent and control the general area of landing, but a period of lost radio communication was inevitable and approaching fast.

"So when exactly will he land?" She asked Leonard.

"Well, touchdown should occur within the next hour but it's not as simple as a shuttle landing."

"Actually it's much more simple, technically," Sheldon said, "but the level of uncertainty involved in landing successfully, not to mention finding the capsule when it does, is much higher."

Penny frowned. "And by landing successfully you mean…"

Sheldon started counting points on his fingers "Not burning up in reentry, or landing on a partially frozen lake, or…"

"Sheldon that's enough," Leonard said. "It's not going to be as cut and dried as 3, 2, 1, like the launch. We may need to be patient. NASA's gotten pretty bad about holding back minute to minute updates whenever something unexpected happens. They're too worried about losing what little funding they have left."

Penny stood up in concern. "You think something's going to go wrong?"

"No," Leonard said, "but Soyuz capsules can be a little… finicky."

Penny tapped her foot as she thought about how the afternoon was going to play out. Even given the best case outcome she wasn't looking forward to it. It went without saying that Raj was going to be drinking and Bernadette would be a nervous wreck. She would have been the one to pick them up but Bernadette had had a few uncharacteristicly nasty words to say about the risk of Penny's car breaking down on the way. Penny sat back down closer to Sheldon and addressed him in her momma voice. "I want you to behave yourself this afternoon."

"What do you mean by that?" Sheldon said, perplexed. "I'm always on my best behavior."

"Well, I want what a normal person considers best behavior. Feelings are going to be running pretty high. If someone asks a rhetorical question about what could go wrong or past space disasters I don't want you opening your mouth. I don't want you saying _anything_ that might upset Raj or Bernadette."

At that moment there was a knock on the door. Leonard went over to answer it and Amy walked in with Howard's significant others in tow.

"How am I supposed to know the difference between a real question and a rhetorical one?" Sheldon asked. "Should I ask Amy?"

"God, no!" Penny said, getting up to help Leonard bring the snacks over. "Just keep your mouth shut or wait for me to give you the OK."

The group gathered around the TV making small talk. Raj and Bernadette immediately began digging into a cheesecake Penny had brought over for later. The talk slowly died away as the dotted cartoon trajectory approached a red band while a disembodied voice continued reciting the astronauts' biographies. When the capsule entered atmosphere and radio contact was first lost, the talk in the room ceased completely.

They remained silent when the minimum wait period ended and an irritatingly chipper spokesperson came on the screen and reported that Russian mission control reported no contact yet from Soyuz TMA-04M. He basically repeated Leonard's earlier warning to Penny, but with a smile and absolutely no concern for the astronauts involved.

Leonard and Penny stared at the TV. They had been handing out drinks before contact was lost and remained standing, as if moving the extra distance to their seats at this point would be bad luck. Leonard rubbed her arms and wrapped his arms around her waist. Amy had been standing behind Bernadette with her hand on her shoulder. She began pacing as the spokesperson talked about the politics involved in coordination between the Russian and American space programs.

Sheldon grew annoyed at seeing her move in and out of view from the corner of his vision. "For the love of Gotham, Amy, will you please just sit down?"

Amy sat and clenched her hands together tightly. They sat there for thirty more minutes. That was when the time slot the station had allotted for the landing ran out. They still hadn't found the capsule.

The spokesperson continued in a blasé voice, "We know it's out there somewhere or we would have seen the characteristic 'meteor shower' associated with a failed reentry of an object that size, but it looks like this will be one of those landings. We will continue to bring you updates on the ticker as they come in. Coming up next, _Remembering the Challenger_, followed by _Columbia: What went wrong?_."

Raj gave Leonard an entreating look. Leonard nodded reluctantly. "OK. You can use my computer. Just be careful." Raj squeezed Bernadette's hand and moved quickly to the computer.

Bernadette followed him. "You're going to hack into the communications? What if you get caught?"

Raj looked back at her. "I don't want to just sit here, do you?" She shook her head.

Sheldon sighed. "Use mine. If you screw this up, it won't be my first run in with Homeland Security. Leonard's reputation in the scientific community isn't important enough to give him the same leeway I have."

"Um, thanks, Sheldon," Leonard said. "I guess."

"You're welcome," Sheldon said.

In a disturbingly short amount of time, Raj took off the headset and turned on the speaker. A group of foreign voices poured out of it. It didn't sound anything like the babble from Mission Control in _Apollo 13_.

"Why is it all in Russian?" Penny asked.

"They don't sound very concerned," Amy said.

"Are they taking bets?" Bernadette asked, horrified.

"This can't be the right signal, Raj," Leonard said.

Raj shook his head furiously. "It is, I swear!"

"What can't you zoom in on our NASA?" Penny said. "That would be in English at least."

Raj shook his head again. "This is on the spot Russian ground control. They send their updates over hard lines to NASA. The Russians are running the show. Any conversations NASA has about this will be in a real room with real people. I can't hack that."

"So we're supposed to just sit here as clueless as Zach Johnson in a library?" Sheldon asked incredulously. He gave Amy a glare. "I'm sorry, but I can only take so much uncertainty in my life at a time." Sheldon got up and walked over to the front door. He opened it and looked back over his shoulder. "Come on, Leonard."

Leonard couldn't believe it. "If you want to run away, Sheldon, fine. But don't expect me to drive you."

"Run a…" Sheldon shook his head in disbelief. "Leonard! I should think it's obvious where I'm going." Leonard looked blankly at him. Sheldon huffed. "Amy?"

She looked over at Leonard. "He's going to get your janitor to translate."

"Oh," Leonard said.

"Why does he need Leonard?" Penny asked.

Amy continued to recite her answer confidently. This was nothing compared to a game of counterfactuals. "The building manager will know his location, and this could take a while. He needs Leonard to lie about why we need him."

"See?" Sheldon said. "Obvious. Now, come on, little Leonard. Hop, hop!"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon and Leonard stood in the basement of the apartment building, directing their comments through the open elevator doors into the shadows.

"So can you help us out?" Leonard asked. "We'll pay you for your time."

"Same rate as before," Sheldon added. "Unless you'd like to renegotiate, although I must warn you I've grown extremely skilled in that area and Leonard himself is moderately proficient."

A thick Russian accent carried up to them from the darkness. "Sit in apartment and talk or continue cleaning broken glass and urine out of bottom of elevator shaft. I don't know. I look forward to this every month."

"Well," Sheldon said, "perhaps we could increase your pay a small amount."

"Sheldon, be quiet," Leonard said. The janitor laboriously pulled himself up into view via the ladder well. Leonard helped pull him over the edge. He panted a little, then stood up and tried half-heartedly to pull the elevator doors shut. They moved four inches and stuck. He scratched his head, shrugged, and began walking toward the stairs.

Leonard and Sheldon looked at each other, then followed after the janitor. "Don't you want to, I don't know, block that off or something?" Leonard asked. The janitor shrugged. "All of life is luck. There's nothing we can do about it."

"No wonder he's a janitor." Sheldon said.

XXXXXXXXXXX

After a bit of an argument involving where to place the janitor's possibly urine soaked coveralls (Sheldon eventually settled for them hanging them out the window), the former physicist turned janitor sat down at the desk and started listening.

Leonard folded his arms and leaned down towards him. "Technically we aren't even supposed to have access to this transmission so if you wouldn't mind being discrete about this…"

"No problem," the janitor said, waving him off. "Just don't forget to pay me." Raj had given up the comfy office chair to the janitor but pulled up another and sat down beside him. The janitor listened carefully, stroking his chin and nodding. "They think the programming got screwed up again. No computer control at all, but the approach was calculated to survive a free fall approach so they should be OK. It's happened before. Of course the G-forces will be significantly higher and they will have some trouble finding where they touched down. It could take a while."

"What is wrong with you Russians?" Raj asked incredulously. "You can't afford to put On-Star on a fracking space capsule?"

The janitor frowned. "I'm not Russian. I'm from Belarus. Besides, I haven't heard anything impressive about India's space program." A new voice broke in over the transmission. The janitor listened intently, then smiled for the first time since arriving. He laughed, and before anyone realized what he was doing, pressed a few keys and started a two-way transmission.

Raj was aghast. "What are you doing! We just told you…"

"It's OK, I know this guy," the janitor said. "He's an old friend. He won't say anything."

"Listening was passive. We can't hide a transmission," Sheldon said, very upset. "My mother said if she got one more phone call that I'd…"

"Relax. It's done now." The janitor leaned back without concern in the chair. "Do you want me to ask him anything specific?"

They looked at each other and silently came to an agreement. The damage was already done. "One of the astronauts is our friend," Leonard said. "We're worried about him."

"What's his name?"

"Howard Wolowitz," Raj said.

"Wolowitz? From the Physics Bowl?" He looked at all their faces, waiting for someone to correct him. "That little man with that thing around his neck?" The smile disappeared and he shook his head. "Amazing. He goes to outer space and I'm scraping gum off bannisters."

"Yes, it's tragic," Raj said, not in the mood to coddle an ex-physicist. "So will you hurry up and ask? His call sign is Froot Loops."

"Like the cereal?" Raj nodded. "Hmm. That makes me feel better." The janitor pressed a key and spouted off a few questions rapid fire questions. There was a responding question from the other end. The janitor answered back. This time the group of friends could understand two words: Froot Loops. Laughter poured out of the speakers, followed by another rush of Russian. The janitor looked over to Raj. "He knows who he is. There is actually a bet in mission control whether he'll survive the landing. He hasn't been doing too well." Raj's face turned ashen.

"My God!" Bernadette cried.

Leonard leaned down and spoke into the janitor's ear. "I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but that's his wife. Could you please be a little more careful about what you say?"

"You asked me to translate," the janitor mumbled. "Pretty wife, too. There is no justice in this life." He spoke to his friend some more. But he had no further information besides they were still calculating a revised landing area.

The time dragged on without resolution. The guys looked at a map of Khazakhstan and tried to narrow down the possibilities, but the data they had on preexisting conditions from the TV was too vague and the janitor's friend didn't have access to the numbers. He only had a job there because of a wise choice of brother-in-law and wasn't expected to do anything more than play Tetris and pass along information between specialties. The boys were unable to come up with anything more accurate than 'somewhere in Eurasia'.

Bernadette was becoming frantic. The continuous calls from Howard's mother didn't help matters. She growled as her phone rang again and angrily jabbed the Talk button. "No they haven't found him yet… I told you I'd call… Then if you know stop calling!"

She hung up and started pulling her hair. Raj was still sitting by the janitor, staring at the speaker and sucking on his fifth beer. Penny tried to comfort Bernadette. The others stood around awkwardly, not really sure what to do.

"It's getting late," Amy said. "Maybe we should get something to eat?"

Penny nodded. "That's a good idea. Bernadette, why don't you come with us to pick something up? You need a break." Bernadette said nothing, but the look she gave Penny screamed, _"Are you stupid?"_ Penny pursed her lips. She didn't take it personally. "You need a distraction, honey."

"I'd suggest Raj teach you Indian meditation, but we all know what a load of bologna that is," Sheldon said. Bernadette glared at him. Sheldon didn't understand the look. "I can get my conversation starter cards."

Amy looked between Bernadette and Penny. "I suppose physical activity of some sort would be a good idea. I would have brought Travel Twister but I didn't think it was appropriate." Bernadette's eyes focused on Amy, then shifted to Sheldon, then narrowed and moved back to Amy. Amy grew concerned under Bernadette's intense gaze. "Penny, did I say something 'unhelpful'?"

Penny leaned down to Bernadette and took her shoulders in her hands. "Bernadette, you're getting crazy eyes. Talk to me."

Bernadette returned her attention to Penny. "Penny, go get the alcohol."

"But I brought beer already," Raj said.

"We need the hard stuff," Bernadette said, looking back at Sheldon and Amy with just a touch of insanity in her eyes. Sheldon began to feel uncomfortable.

Raj still had his eyes on the speaker. "Thanks Bernadette, but if I drink anything stronger than Dos Equis right now I'll go straight to the dark side with this kind of tension in the air."

The janitor leaned back and looked over at her. "Not to sound like a stereotype, but I could go for a shot of vodka."

"It's not for you two," she growled.

Penny caught on to her train of thought. "OK, honey. Calm down. Now's not the time."

Bernadette looked back at Penny. "Now's as good a time as any, right? We can't wait for them to decide the right time, can we?" She was starting to sound a touch hysterical. Raj looked away from the speaker and over at her.

"Maybe we should just go sit in my apartment for a while," Penny said. "They'll yell if they hear anything. You need to relax."

Bernadette pulled away from her. "I disagree! My Howie's probably shivering in ditch in the middle of Khazakhstan right now while all the bigger astronauts make fun of him. He barely lived through survival training in Canada! If he has to eat another butterfly it will destroy him. And that's assuming he's not… he's not…" Bernadette broke off and burst into tears. Raj walked quickly over to her and took her in his arms while she sobbed against his chest.

Penny looked entreatingly at Leonard and mouthed a plea at him. "_Why the hell is this taking so long?"_

Leonard shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. He went over and took Raj's place next to the janitor. He tried to think of something to say. Regardless of whatever Howard might have been going through in that moment, things were getting way too intense in this apartment. "I know this is taking longer than we thought it would," he said. "Thanks for staying."

The janitor looked at him sardonically. "You're still paying me, right?"

"Right," Leonard said.

"Then I stay as long as you need me."

Leonard looked at his watch. "It is getting late, though. Do you need to use our phone?"

"Why?" the janitor said glumly. "No one's waiting for me. What do I have to go home to?"

Raj handed off a crying Bernadette to Penny and walked back over to the computer looking very upset. Leonard tried to keep up the conversation for Raj's sake at least. "So, how come you're a janitor anyway if you used to be a physicist?"

The janitor sighed dramatically. "I grew tired of the politics at Leningrad Polytechnika. So I burned my bridges and moved back to Belarus. I took a job as a technical advisor on a copycat sitcom about a group of theorists. I thought getting into show business would be glamorous."

"Copycat?" Raj said. "I thought there were international laws against that."

The janitor shrugged. "In Belarus, copyright protections are more like… suggestions. Especially when the government owns the production network. But when the original writer posted something called a 'vanity card' complaining about it on his show, the fans drove ours off the air. It's all just luck." He shook his head. "I said, how could anyone predict that? My wife disagreed. That's when she left me. So I moved here to stay with my daughter. She was going to college at UCLA. But it turns out a lot of the scientists here were fans of that show and I was, for all intents and purposes, blacklisted as a physicist. Luck again. When I settled for a job in the physics department as a janitor, my daughter was so ashamed of me she started telling her boyfriends I died of radiation poisoning years ago. I thought I could still use it as a stepping stone somehow, though, like in _Good Will Hunting._" He shrugged. "Needless to say, it hasn't worked out the way I hoped."

Sheldon spoke up. "It didn't help matters at all after I helped you get a second job here?" Sheldon had been rather proud of that act of altruism, even though it was based on an urge to limit the number of different faces he encountered day to day.

"I'm still just a janitor, even if I'm making more money." He looked up at Sheldon with a glimmer of hope in his eye. "Perhaps if you could present my resume…"

The tone on the speaker suddenly became more urgent. "Oo oo oo!" Raj hooted. "Something's happening! There's something happening!"

"You heard the man," Sheldon said. "Hop to it, pops!"

Everyone gathered around Sheldon's computer. The television was still on, but muted, as it flashed images of past space disasters and McDonald's commercials.

"Why isn't it on the TV now?" Penny asked.

"They'll want to wait until they know everything so they can decide on a PR approach," Leonard said.

"Why should the PR matter?" Bernadette asked. Sheldon opened his mouth to answer but stopped when Penny gave him a dirty look. The janitor spoke back and forth with his old friend. Sheldon crossed his arms, then ran his hands through his hair, the laced his hands behind his head.

"Stop it, Sheldon," Raj said. "You're freaking me out again."

The janitor nodded satisfactorily. "So, it's good news. They found the capsule. No word on the occupants yet."

"Can't they train a satellite on them if they know where they are now?" Bernadette asked.

"They're still inside. They are waiting for rescue team to reach them with secret knock before they open hatch," the janitor said.

"Is that sarcasm?" Sheldon asked.

"Secret knock?" Leonard said, "You're joking, right?" The janitor shook his head.

"No wonder they could never catch Rocky and Bullwinkle," Raj said.

"I must admit," Sheldon said, "the fiasco that this landing has become is starting to make me a bit concerned for Howard's wellbeing." He glanced nervously at Amy. She looked back at him, just as worried, but crossed her arms and turned away. Sheldon stood close to her but said nothing else. Raj put his hands on Bernadette's shoulders while she reached up to hold one. One of Penny's hands gripped Leonard's shoulder while the other played with the ruffle on her collar.

"The rescue team has arrived…" the janitor said. They waited on tenterhooks for the next transmission. Then voice on the other line began unmistakably cursing. The janitor answered back in Russian. He sounded like he was consoling him. Sheldon closed the extra inch between him and Amy and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Amy put her hands over her mouth.

"What is he saying?" Bernadette cried.

The janitor sighed. "My friend just lost 10,000 Tenges." They stared at him in confusion. "It's a little more than $60 American. That goes pretty far in Khazakhstan."

"What the hell does that mean?" Penny said.

"All the astronauts are alive and walking. Your Mr. Froot Loops is alive." The room erupted in cheers. Sheldon grinned at Amy, then blushed and let go of her quickly. He walked over to the kitchen while everyone else began talking excitedly.

"So when's he coming home again?" Leonard asked Bernadette.

"There's the debrief and then the recovery time. He should be back a few days after that," she said as she wiped away tears of relief.

Raj was doing the same thing. "The recovery time may take a little longer than usual," he said "He wasn't doing so well keeping food down in zero-g."

"Still," Penny said, "You can settle up the reception plans now, right?"

Sheldon walked back over as Leonard handed the janitor a wad of cash and shook his hand. Sheldon stepped up after him. "Thank you so much for your time," Sheldon said. The janitor smiled and held out his hand to Sheldon. Sheldon reached out to him, but instead of a hand, the janitor found himself holding a black plastic trash bag. He looked back up at Sheldon's smiling face. "Be a lamb and take this out with you, would you?"

Bernadette's phone rang again. "Damn it!" she said as she answered it. "Yes, they found him… He's OK… I know I said I'd call… It just happened!... Well if you'd stop calling every five minutes I would have!" Bernadette sighed. "Yes, I understand." I'll come over now. Bye, Mrs. W… I mean… Mom."

Raj leaned over to Leonard and asked in a low voice, "How come sometimes when I look at Bernadette, I think about Lou Ferrigno?"

Leonard shrugged. "I don't know, the brain associating opposites somehow? Amy?"

Amy frowned. "Sorry, I don't know who that is. I think it's best if I take Raj and Bernadette home now." Bernadette pulled Amy aside and whispered in her ear. Amy shook her head, Bernadette squeezed her arm authoritatively and Amy nodded. "Sheldon, I'll be busy finishing my maid of honor duties and bringing Ricky home this week. I won't have time to see you in the flesh until our date night, and I will be too busy for idle conversation. I will keep you updated on any developments that affect you. I trust you have your own things to take care of as well."

"Oh, don't worry about me," Sheldon said. "My to-do list is infinite." He followed them out to the hall.

"Alright then," Amy said. "Good night." Sheldon fiddled with the door post and looked at her.

Bernadette was already halfway down the first flight of stairs with Raj. "Let's go!" she yelled "If that woman calls me one more time before we get there I swear I'll inject Botulism in her brisket." Amy gave Sheldon a quick nod good bye and ran off after them.

**XXXXXXX**

**The secret knock? 'Losing' Soyuz capsules? I did not make that up. My young dreams of living in a Martian space colony are definitely dust in the wind.**

**Mucho Shamyness coming up soon**


	10. Rock Crushes Scissors

**If you didn't know what the janitor was talking about, the vanity card I referenced was #277 from the Season 3 episode The Large Hadron Collision. **

**XXXXXXXX **

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**Rock Crushes Scissors, Paper Disproves Spock**

**XXXXXXX**

Sheldon frowned at his blank computer screen after Amy terminated the connection yet again. Since the harrowing day of Howard's landing, Amy and Sheldon had continued to interact electronically but very infrequently. Excluding the short period of their intellectual 'break up', it was the least contact he had had with her since the day they met. She sent him no clever zingers, and while she always responded to his requests for communication, she ended them quickly and never initiated them herself. She had even backed out of their plans for that month's _Fun with Flags_; Bernadette demanded all her time, she said, and there was nothing in the Relationship Agreement that required her participation. He had difficulty understanding Bernadette's need for Amy since Raj seemed to think the revised reception plan had already been settled. Sure, Sheldon was the star of and brains behind the show, but Amy had always been there before to cheer him on. She may not have been absolutely necessary, but neither was Vanna White on _Wheel of Fortune_. He was surprised to discover he didn't want to do it without her.

He found himself looking forward to their date the next day. He had no trepidations about how the night would proceed. No matter what delight Amy had cooked up as part of her experiment, she wouldn't catch him off guard this time. He intended to treat this as an opportunity to gather information on what strategy she was leaning towards for the renegotiation, and he planned to keep his eye on the prize. Not to mention it had been more than a week since he'd seen her in the flesh. He was looking forward to…

_Not that again._ Sheldon sighed and went to his bedroom to sit in the dark for a while. It appeared a session of Kolinahr meditation before dinner would not be unadvisable.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Bernadette sat before her computer in Howard's room. She had just emailed the details on Howard's return to Raj, and was now looking over Raj's email for the groom's revised guest list. Both their lists were considerably shorter than had been originally planned. It would save money but it was also depressing. Raj was standing in for Howard on any non-critical decisions dealing with his side of the family. He got along with Howard's relatives better than Mrs. Wolowitz did, and Bernadette did her best to avoid them after she'd embarrassed herself at Howard's nephew's magic show. She stopped scrolling for a moment as she realized Howard's nephew was now _her_ nephew. She was a Wolowitz now, with or without the hyphen.

Raj said he didn't mind helping out, and Bernadette believed him. He would do anything he could to make up for missing the fancy wedding that he had looked forward to even more than Bernadette, though probably not as much as Amy. Howard had also asked him for a favor in covering any extra expenses that would fall on Bernadette's father to try to buy Howard a little more good will. Howard said he would pay him back when he got back home. Bernadette would have preferred to save the money for house hunting but thought it best to let him think he had a chance of winning her father over one day. He would figure out the truth eventually.

Bernadette looked longingly at the cookies and Hawaiian punch her mother-in-law had brought in while she was in the bathroom. The stress eating had to stop. If she didn't get her diet back on track soon she was going to pop a button on her sweater. She was on edge for more reasons than Howard's absence and planning a reception. She hadn't renewed the lease on her apartment and had no place to stay but her parents' house or Howard's room. Her own mother was crazier than Howard's, as difficult to imagine as that may be, and it was a relief to be able to yell back at a mother figure as loud as she wanted without being smothered in guilt for it. She also hadn't liked the look of disappointment on her dad's face upon learning that Howard had landed safely instead of dying a space hero.

Howard had put his winter turtlenecks and half his hootchie pants in the attic crawlspace to make room for her things, while her furniture waited for a new home in storage. But although Howard had told her she could change anything she wanted (as long as nothing was thrown away), She didn't want to.

Well, she did, but she didn't want to do anything that gave the impression that she was making this her home. She wanted them to have their own place. Howard had been too busy with astronaut training to look at anything with her before the wedding, but he said he was on board.

As long as it was close enough to his mother to be there when she needed him, and affordable, and had a place he could lock his Vespa up, and not too much crime…

_Ugh. _

She shut down the computer and threw herself backwards on Howard's bed, _her_ bed, then put the pillow over her face so she wouldn't see the _Return of the Jedi_ poster tacked to the ceiling.

She reminded herself again how well everything was going. She was married to the love of her life and the threat of a becoming a space widow was over. The plans for the reception had been revised and effectively settled three days ago. Howard was Skyping her every day since he'd returned, even though it was from a hospital bed that didn't give them the privacy they would have preferred. The other astronauts had been sent home days ago, but Howard was still stuck in recovery. His heartbeat had been all over the map during the landing and the doctors were mystified by the amount of bone loss he'd suffered in such a short time in zero-g. They had not been amused when he admitted he'd altered his medical records to avoid being replaced. They told him the whole experience had probably taken ten years off his lifespan. On their last chat, he'd joked that at least since the prenup had been nixed she wouldn't have to worry about supporting him for too long if things didn't work out.

_Ha ha._

Things were going so well, in fact, that now she had nothing to do but wonder how she and Howard were going to move forward once the party was over. She was still new at her high-powered pharmaceutical job and hadn't been given anything challenging to do yet. Hitting the mall had always been an more of an excuse to hang out with other girls than something she enjoyed doing herself. All the good TV shows were on reruns during the summer hiatus, and Penny's love life was unfortunately on stable ground once again, not to mention boringly monogamous. That left Amy.

Sheldon and Amy.

Amy and Sheldon.

_Shaaaamy. _

Amy had gone along with nearly everything Bernadette had suggested. The only thing she refused to do was give up her date night. She said the Relationship Agreement required it but Bernadette knew it was because she loved it so much. She did at least agree to keep it low key and do something they _both _would enjoy. Bernadette twisted her wedding ring and concentrated. If Amy refused to use the excuse of reception planning to get out of the date, she needed to pour a little cold water on Sheldon from the get-go.

Bernadette hadn't known Sheldon for as long as the others. When she and Howard had decided to really get serious, Amy had already been in the picture, and she saw how Sheldon acted around her when he wasn't trying to prove how much he didn't care. Amy may have made some incredible strides recently in increasing Sheldon's feelings for her, but in the field of respect and willingness for him to go outside his comfort zone? In fact, that crazy experiment of hers might have made him feel like he didn't even need to try.

Bernadette lay in bed with the pillow over her face for close to an hour trying to keep the image of Sheldon and Amy in the forefront of her thoughts and not her own murky future. Why did Sheldon have to be such a jerk face most of the time? The world did not revolve around Sheldon Cooper! As far as Bernadette was concerned, Sheldon needed his nose rubbed in as much reality as he could take and then some. That darned experiment of Amy's…

_Hmm._

Bernadette pulled the pillow off her face. Her eyes were open but the poster failed to register as the gears in her mind started to click.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon was ready and waiting for Amy when she arrived at his apartment carrying takeout. They quickly sorted the items and began talking before they even sat down. Although they had fallen out of the habit, Sheldon made sure to follow parliamentary procedure this time around. Amy didn't object and followed suit. Sheldon wanted to be clear in establishing that their last date was the one at her apartment, not the train ride or the roleplaying. The Relationship Agreement was the reality. Amy didn't argue. They mutually agreed to categorize the date as a success and moved on to new business. Sheldon had already decided he needed to take the lead and launched into his complaint.

"I understand the plans for Howard and Bernadette's reception have been changed to June 30th, but I don't see why I need to go. The wedding is already over and as far as I can tell, Howard's father-in-law didn't even read the pamphlet I sent him on make-your-own-sundae bars. Plus, it's on a Saturday. What about my laundry?"

Amy shrugged as she ate her dinner. "If you really don't want to go you should discuss it with Raj. As maid of honor, I am only handling the bride's guests."

Sheldon stopped with his fork halfway to his mouth. He was expecting an argument along the same lines as the weekend he wanted to game with the guys instead of attending an old lady's birthday party. "Don't you want me to go?" he asked.

Amy shook her head. "Not if you're going to act like a child the way you did at Professor Geyser's. You were at the wedding; that was the important part. But you should keep in mind that showing support for your friends can only help you if you want to displace Leonard as the leader of our social circle."

Sheldon didn't like the reminder that his friends wouldn't automatically follow where he lead but conceded her point. "I suppose you're right. Training a new set of secondary friends is more work than it's worth." Sheldon kept silent about the other thing that bothered him. Before the reception was the renegotiation. It made Sheldon uneasy thinking about being at a party with Amy without knowing what terms they would be on. They wouldn't necessarily have to sit at the same table as she was part of the wedding party and Raj had given up on finding a plus one, but it still bothered him. Her sitting with Raj instead of him bothered him. She deserved dinner conversation that didn't need to be floated on a pool of alcohol. He no longer resented the long wait though. He had finished his studying but had underestimated the effort involved in scouting locations...

"Sheldon?"

Sheldon realized he'd let his mind wander again. He looked up to see Amy looking at him curiously. Once she knew she had his attention she held out a bound report to him. "What's this?" he asked.

"My new business. This is the data from the Affection Acceleration Experiment," she said professionally. "I terminated the project the same day I sent you the letter requesting a renegotiation of terms. The protocols were adulterated when I lost my temper with you."

Sheldon was surprised by the surge of emotion he felt. He'd told everyone but her he wanted her to stop. But he wasn't happy. He was alarmed. She wasn't supposed to give it up all on her own. What else had she given up on? On increasing his affections? On the relationship? He had planned to play it cool tonight and mine her for data. She had just handed him a book's worth without even asking, but he wasn't sure he wanted it anymore.

Amy wiped her mouth and stood up. "Well, time to go."

Sheldon looked up at her in confusion. "Where?"

"Our date," she said.

"But you said you ended the experiment."

"We went on dates before the experiment, Sheldon. We're just going to do something I'll enjoy as much as you. It'll be fun. We both like animals."

Sheldon didn't listen to her give the details. He was staring at the report again with a frown. He opened it and flipped slowly through it. "Why did you give this to me?" he asked.

Amy sat back down. "You're entitled to the data. I told you what I was doing; you were an active participant. More importantly, you're a scientist." He continued to look through it while she waited. "You can read that in the car if you like."

He shook his head. "I don't like to read in the car. It makes me nauseous."

"Then you can read it later," she said firmly. "We have a schedule to keep."

He nodded as he realized she was right. They quickly cleaned up the trash and Sheldon left the report on the table when he followed her out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon tried not to show his confusion as they pulled up to a small house in an unfamiliar neighborhood. He knew Amy had continued talking while he was looking at her report but didn't want to admit he hadn't heard what she said. He followed her to the front door with a bored expression on his face and not a clue as to how a place like this could provide for an enjoyable date night.

He kept his face blank when a strange woman opened the door and introduced herself as Mindy Fisher. She showed them in and walked them straight back to a bedroom door with a _Keep Out! _sign on it. She stopped with her hand on the door knob and spoke to Amy. "Billy's over at his grandma's. You can sit on the bed, but don't touch anything else. If you accidentally move something, don't fix it. Let me know and I'll take care of it. Enjoy your little visit. You have," she looked at her digital watch, "54 minutes."

She opened the door and Sheldon followed Amy inside, trying not to be bothered by ignoring the sign. The woman left them alone. Sheldon looked around what was apparently a very tidy, young boy's room. When Amy moved towards the bed with her hand outstretched Sheldon's attention followed it. His mouth dropped open. "Zazzles!"

XXXXXXX

Sheldon and Amy sat on Billy's bed with Zazzles between them. He now had a collar with 'Tiger' on it but Sheldon declared he was still too zazzy for a name like that. Together they alternated between stroking him and dangling a pet mouse over him. He had put on a few pounds and was too lazy to actually stand up and earnestly try to catch it, but that left him in a fine position for belly rubs. Amy laughed at the short little meows he gave that somehow ended in quick purrs. She was having much more fun doing this without the smell of two dozen friends permeating the room. She leaned over the cat, being sure to hold her glasses over her eyes, and let him bat his declawed forepaws playfully against her face.

Sheldon laughed. "Although I know intellectually that the shape of his mouth has evolved solely to maximize his effectiveness as a predator, I find it hard to believe he's not smiling." Sheldon's own grin hadn't faded since he gave Zazzles his first scratch.

"Agreed," Amy said, happily. Eventually they stopped baiting him and just stroked him as he stretched out and narrowed his eyes to slits, purring louder than any cat Amy had ever heard.

They didn't know how it started, but soon they found themselves mirroring each other's hand movements, stroking and scratching the same spots at the same time on either side of Zazzles' spine. He sank down even flatter and licked his nose. After some time, Sheldon and Amy paused with their hands spread flat on Zazzles' back and their pinkies a hair's breadth apart. They both looked into each other's eyes at the same time and smiled. Zazzles, although they would not have thought it was impossible, purred even louder.

"Purrs like a motorboat, doesn't he?" a male voice said. A large middle-aged man in a security uniform stepped into the doorway, polishing a pseudo police badge and pinning it to his shirt. He looked up and his smile changed to shock when he laid eyes on Sheldon. "You!"

Sheldon leaned back from Amy and Zazzles and smiled at him. "Why, hello there! What a coincidence! It was your son who took Zazzles home?"

"My nephew," the security guard said, still flummoxed. "Mindy told me… this was your cat?"

Sheldon nodded. "For a short time." Sheldon looked back down fondly at Zazzles and scratched him behind the ear. "He wasn't the only one. He had 24 friends. But he was the best." He looked back up. I never thanked you properly for letting me do my research in your ball pit, I'm afraid I was a little sleep deprived at the time."

The security guard frowned. "I didn't exactly let you. Does your doctor know you're here?"

"Doctor?" Sheldon asked.

"Dr. Hasselhoff? Hoffshut? I don't know," the security guard said as quickly finished pinning on his badge. "The one you played Whack-A-Mole with for half an hour before he pulled you out by the ear."

Sheldon eyed the guard with condescension. "Leonard is indeed a doctor, but he is not _my_ doctor." He snorted. "As if I would entrust my body to him even if he were a medical doctor. He's my roommate."

"Huh." The guard shrugged and continued. "We have to cut this a little short. Billy's coming back early. He sassed his grandmother again. We need to change the bedding before he gets back or he'll have a tantrum." He looked at Amy. "I'm sure you understand." Amy nodded.

They both stood up. Zazzles stopped purring and looked up at them as if offended. "Sorry, Zazzles," Sheldon said. "It was nice to see you again." The cat blinked at him, then laid his head back down and closed his eyes. Sheldon stepped up to the security guard. "May I use your bathroom? I'd like to wash up before I go."

"Sure," he said as he gestured. "First door around the corner. There's a tape roller in the top right drawer you can use to get the fur off you, too." Sheldon nodded and walked off. Amy pulled her wallet out of her purse.

The man waved it off. "Don't worry about it. I know what you're dealing with." Amy wasn't sure he did but thanked him anyway.

Sheldon quickly returned. "Your turn," he said to Amy. She nodded and walked off in the direction he came from.

The security guard leaned towards Sheldon. Sheldon leaned back but relaxed when the guard made no move to touch him. "Listen to me," he said. "You be sure to mind your sister. She obviously loves you a lot."

"You know Missy?" Sheldon asked, surprised.

"Missy?" The guard straightened up and looked towards the bathroom. "I thought her name was Amy."

Sheldon shook his head. This man's memory was nearly as bad as Zack's. "No, that's Amy," he said, pointing towards the bathroom. "She's my girlfriend. My sister lives in Texas."

"Girlfriend?" the guard said. He scratched his head, clearly disturbed. "Is that legal?"

Sheldon had never considered that before. He thought for a moment. "Well my mother doesn't approve of our relationship, but she lost any legal standing to object years ago." He cocked his head in thought and focused his sharp blue eyes on the guard. "You think she loves me?"

"Uh…" The guard stuttered, looking like he wished he was somewhere else.

Amy stepped back around the corner. "I'm ready to go," she said. They walked outside and Amy turned and nodded towards the security guard. "Thanks again," she said.

"Umm, yeah. It's been…" The man didn't finish. He just shook his head shut the door behind them.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon babbled on happily during the drive home. Amy smiled and responded as much as she could while paying attention to the road. She was glad she had listened to her friends. She'd had a good time and Sheldon obviously had too. As they approached his building though, his talk died away. When she pulled up to the curb and looked at him he was frowning.

"What's wrong, Sheldon?" she asked with concern.

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking straight ahead.

Amy wasn't sure if the question was existential or literal. With Sheldon though, it was always safest to go with literal. "Dropping you off."

"No," he said. He turned to look at her. "You said you ended the experiment."

"I did," she said softly.

Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "Then explain to me why this was the best date yet." It would have sounded like a compliment coming from anyone else, but Sheldon actually looked angry.

Amy answered him calmly. "Sheldon, you know it would completely undermine the experiment for me to give you that report and continue on as before. Normal people have great dates all the time without an experimental basis." She let go of the steering wheel and put her hands in her lap. "It just worked out that way."

He looked down at his own lap and shook his head. "Then explain to me how you made me want to..." He stopped talking and his eyes widened.

Whatever Sheldon might have thought, Amy was not in 'the zone' tonight. She was in too good of a mood. She had no idea what he was talking about. "Want to what?" Sheldon stared at her with a frightened look on his face then turned back forward. Amy frowned. "Maybe you should plan the next date."

Sheldon brightened up at that remark. "The next date?" he asked hopefully.

Amy nodded. "We shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, though. We can talk about it after we revise the Relationship Agreement."

Sheldon stared at her for a moment without speaking, then unlatched his seatbelt and got out of the car. He shut the door without saying goodbye and walked swiftly towards the lobby while he ground his teeth.

XXXXXXX

The ragged edge of the missing conclusion at the end of the report knawed at Sheldon, even after he took an Exacto knife and neatened up the edge. He'd texted Amy asking for an explanation even though he knew it was past both their bedtimes. Amy's response that the data was incomplete, and that therefore any definitive conclusions would have been insupportable, was scientifically sound, but she must have _some_ opinion on the matter. _Something_ had been written on that missing page. He continued to put off sleep as he struggled to figure it out. The problem was the more he studied it, the more difficult he found it not to draw his own conclusions. He reminded himself that what Amy thought, what she felt, was all that he needed to know. Not this cornucopia of observations and graphical extrapolations. He knew his own thoughts better than she did. But as hard as he looked there was no hint of personal bias anywhere in the report. He bounced back and forth between frustration and admiration the more he read it, until eventually he hid it in the back of his closet and got into bed. He turned off the light and closed his eyes, determined to continue on with his strategy as planned.

**That was baby step #2. Had some trouble keeping it from getting sappy, and I know there's way too much exposition. Maybe I'll go back and fix it later but I've got to move on. Zazzles says hi, by the way. Well, that's what he meant. It sounded more like "****Iz in Ur Bal Pit, Steelin Urz Elektronz", but that's just him being zazzy.**


	11. Moonraker

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**Moonraker **

**XXXXXXX**

Raj and Bernadette sat eagerly in the baggage claim area of LAX on Sunday morning while they waited for Howard to finish up with customs. Raj sipped from a bottle of 'extra special' orange Fanta while Bernadette wrung her hands. They both stared at the escalator Howard would have to come down.

"One day," Bernadette said in a voice full determination, "I swear, I'm going to actually fly somewhere, not just pick people up at airports."

Raj looked down at her in surprise. "You're joking. You've never flown before?"

Bernadette shook her head. "I've never even left California except for driving to Rosarito for spring break."

"Mexico?" Raj looked at her dubiously. "Not to simplistically vilify an entire country, but Mexico's a horrible place."

"Oh, please," she said as she looked back at him. "It's not that bad."

Raj shook his head with conviction. "If you'd ever gone anywhere else you'd know. Why do you think they all want to move here?"

Bernadette sighed. "Aren't you the one always complaining about Howard making racist comments?

"I think that was more classist than racist."

"Well if NASA hadn't messed with the dates for this mission and ruined our honeymoon plans, I'd already know the answer," she said wistfully.

Raj patted her reassuringly. "Next year you'll fix that." When Raj looked back up he laughed and pointed excitedly. "There's my main man!"

Howard was already halfway down the escalator. He was impossible to miss in his NASA polo shirt, NASA windbreaker, and carry-ons with NASA logos stitched on them. He waved at them when they noticed him but continued supporting himself on the railing of the escalator instead of hurrying down to meet them. Raj took advantage of the wait and took a picture with his phone.

As Howard reached the bottom he opened his arms and smiled broadly at them. "Oh, honey!" he said, "I missed you so much!"

Raj started to step forward, then remembered himself and moved to let Bernadette jump into Howard's arms. Howard was almost bowled over by the impact. He almost seemed smaller, and he was definitely thinner, but the pride on his face seemed to make up for all of it. After squeezing Bernadette tightly he opened his eyes and looked at Raj. He held out one arm and pulled him into the hug as well. They only broke it up after a TSA agent came over and told them in no uncertain terms to stop blocking the ramp. Raj took Howard's bags and they started walking back to the car while Howard kept his arm wrapped around Bernadette's shoulders.

"What happened to your hair?" she asked with a giggle.

"I know. I look ridiculous," Howard said as he rubbed his hand self-consciously over the buzz cut and smiled sheepishly. "The Russians thought it would be funny to hold me down and shear me like a sheep before they sent me home."

Bernadette ran her own hand over the spiky fuzz and rubbed an earlobe. "I don't think it's that bad. Everyone can see how cute your ears are now."

Raj was not amused. "Are you kidding? They completely disrespected your sense of style! It's one of the things I love about you."

Howard shrugged. "It's not the worst thing a bully's ever done to me. At least it'll grow back."

"Well, you can think about that later," Bernadette said as she gave him a squeeze. "Let's get you home."

Howard smiled at her, but the smile disappeared when he looked around and realized who was missing. "Where's Ma?" he asked.

Bernadette sighed. "She's waiting in the car. She said the walk from the parking garage was too far and the worry you put her through had stressed her heart enough."

"I hope you left the window cracked," Howard said with a laugh. "Well, make sure you don't let me go 'til we get there. If there's a stiff breeze outside I might blow away."

XXXXXXXXX

Later that evening, Raj was just taking his apron off when _Rocket Man_ began playing on his phone. Howard had lasted longer than he'd expected before calling. He answered the phone with a smile.

"Hey, dude. Is your mother driving you crazy already? You guys are always free to come over early."

"Yeah, that's not exactly why I'm calling," Howard's voice responded. "Bernie and I are going to have to take a raincheck on dinner."

Raj frowned and put the lid back on the soup. "What do you mean? Is your mom making a fuss? Dude, I told Bernadette you could bring her along if it was a problem. I made plenty of food."

"No, that's not it," Howard's voice lowered conspiratorially and Raj pressed his phone closer to his ear so he could hear. "Ever since I got home the wife and I have been having some 'quality time' in the bedroom, if you know what I mean."

Raj groaned and stirred a spoon in the gravy. "I always know what you mean. The whole world knows what you mean. You aren't exactly subtle about it."

"I'm actually sitting on the toilet right now," Howard continued. "It's the first moment I've had to myself since I got back."

Raj dropped the spoon he was about to lick. "Dude! I don't need to know that. At least say 'potty' if you're going to talk that way." Raj walked over to his couch and collapsed on it. "When will 'quality time' be over?"

Howard gave a nervous laugh. "Actually I'm planning on seeing how long I can stretch it before she gets sick of me. So far, so good."

From somewhere else in Howard's house, Raj heard a shrill voice yelling,

"Howard! Let's go!"

"Is that your mother or Bernadette?" he asked.

"Uh, honestly? Couldn't tell you." Howard replied uneasily. "But Ma made me a love brisket. So, sex or food, I'm good either way." He laughed happily. "I've got everything I've ever wanted. It's fantastic!"

"I know. You don't need to keep reminding me," Raj said bitterly. "Even if you're not coming over, I still need to fill you in on…" The sound of someone pounding angrily on the door carried through the phone.

"Gotta go, buddy," Howard said quickly, and hung up.

Raj frowned at the phone as it beeped and went silent. Then he looked at the five course dinner for three he'd been preparing and the Welcome Back cake he'd just finished frosting. He walked over to the cake, grabbed a fork, and stared at it for a minute, then picked up the whole thing and dumped it in the trash. He picked up his DVD collection, plopped back down on his couch, and tried to decide between _Forgetting Sarah Marshall_ and _500 Days of Summer_.

XXXXXX

Raj didn't see Howard the next day either. Howard spent lunch with Dr. Gabelhauser, and he went straight home to Bernadette. They didn't come over to Leonard's for dinner either. The next day Howard was AWOL again, having lunch with Dr. Siebert, and he'd texted Sheldon not to count on them at the Cheesecake Factory. Raj could have simply walked down to the engineering department that morning but he was feeling a little ticked off that Howard hadn't already come over to him. He picked at his Beefaroni and stared at Sheldon while he bugged Leonard to take him to the location he'd selected for the Relationship Agreement talk.

"It won't take long," Sheldon said. "We can go straight from there to the Cheesecake Factory and still arrive on time. I've made the reservations but I need to ensure I obtain the proper table or none of it will matter."

"Sheldon," Leonard said grumpily, "I'd rather not."

Sheldon's eyebrows rose in surprise. "What does that have to do with it?"

Leonard glared at him. "Funny, I thought it was a strong point."

"I'll take him," Raj said. They both turned and looked at him in surprise.

"Really?" Leonard said. "Are you sure?"

Raj shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do."

Sheldon smiled satisfactorily and started eating again. "Thank you, Raj. You are a true secondary friend."

Raj shook his head. "If you're determined to hang yourself I might as well keep you company."

After they'd finished and Raj was walking back to his office, he heard Leonard call after him. He turned around to see Leonard hurrying to catch up. For a moment Raj was touched Leonard was concerned for his obvious depression. He was soon disillusioned of that.

"Do you think you could take him to the throw-down tomorrow, too?"

Raj whined and covered his face. "Come on, man! I don't hate myself that much. I heard you tell him you'd do it last week."

"Yeah, but…" Leonard frowned and looked back in the direction of Sheldon's office. "He's not listening to any of us. You know this is going to be a total disaster."

"Yeah…" Raj said. "That's kind of my point."

Leonard held his hands out pleadingly. "Look, I have to live with the guy. I'll be dealing with the cats or the bongos or whatever else he comes up with to deal with the fallout no matter what. I could do without being there to watch the bomb go off."

Raj frowned at him and tried not to feel any pity for him. But if there was one expression Leonard never had any trouble pulling off, it was pathetic. "Fine," he said. "But you owe me."

Leonard immediately brightened up any smacked him companionably on the arm before heading back to his lab. "Not arguing with you there."

XXXXXX

The employees in the main dining hall of the Langham Hotel looked on in puzzlement at the two figures standing by the picture window as one manipulated instruments that looked like they'd been snatched from an old pirate movie while the other shook his head and took notes. If it hadn't been for the fact they were still only setting up for the evening, they wouldn't have even been allowed in. Certainly not the one dressed in the orange T-shirt at the very least.

"What is that thing?" A waitress asked as she inserted the evening's menus into their jackets.

"A laser pointer." a bus boy said.

"Duh," she said as she rolled her eyes. "I mean that!"

"I think it's a sextant." The maître d' said.

The tall man moved from the window to a table four rows in and checked his instruments again.

"What the hell are they doing?" The bus boy asked.

The maître d' shrugged. "Sometimes people show up early if they want to stage for a photo op. I've never seen anything quite like this, though" He looked at his watch. "As long they finish soon I don't care."

"Do you think it could be one of those reality shows?" the waitress asked excitedly.

"Could be," the maître d' said with a frown. "I certainly hope not, though. They're nothing but trouble. It's not like we need the publicity." At that moment. The tall man looked up and waved for their attention. The maître d' was annoyed but approached.

"I have a reservation tomorrow evening for two under the name of Dr. Cooper," the man said in a prim voice. "I need to ensure I obtain this exact table."

The maître d' smiled politely but didn't immediately agree. "We don't usually reserve specific tables. May I ask why?"

Dr. Cooper pointed from the floor-to-ceiling mirrors on the far wall to the even more impressive windows. "It has an ideal position relative both to the mirrors and the position of the sun at that hour. Those dratted trees outside will be blocking direct sunlight everywhere but this spot."

The maître d' frowned. "Are you certain you want that, sir? We didn't consider it a boon when that tree fell down. The light will be very strong this time of year."

"That's the point," Dr. Cooper said. "The effect should be quite dazzling."

"Ah, I think I understand." The maître d' said and smiled warmly at him for the first time. "Your number two is a lady I suppose?"

Dr. Cooper nodded. "You suppose correctly."

"Well then. It's not something we can usually guarantee but we will make it happen." He looked down at the man's shirt and continued in a friendly way. "I, of course, would never imply you aren't already aware of this, but you do know that during the dinner hour we require jacket and tie for our guests?"

"Only the males, I presume?" the man asked with a deadpan expression.

The maître d' laughed, then stopped when he saw the man seriously expected an answer. "Yes. Only the males."

"Then that won't be a problem. Though I fail to see how that will affect the quality of the food." He put his instruments back in his shoulder bag and took the notepad from his companion.

"No, I suppose it wouldn't," the maître d' said. "But trust me, it can only help the impression you're trying to make."

"Hmm. Do you think so?"

"Absolutely," he replied confidently. "This happens here all the time. I never get tired of it. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow evening."

The Indian man gave a snort of laughter but added nothing to the conversation. As the pair walked away towards the exit the maître d' heard him mumbling under his breath. Part of it sounded like _famous last words_ but he could have been mistaken. He walked back to his employees with a self-satisfied smile on his face.

"Did you get the skinny?" the waitress asked.

"Oh, yes," he said nonchalantly. "It should have been obvious to me from the beginning. Setting up the perfect proposal can make any man a bit of a control freak."

XXXXXXXX

Howard lay back on his bed with Bernadette while he smiled at the look of the two rings on her fourth finger. They were dressed, but lately that was a temporary state of being. They may have missed their honeymoon but they were definitely still in the 'honeymoon stage'. Howard had just finished complaining about the constant stream of _'just happened to be in the neighborhood'_s that kept dropping by his lab. He hadn't gotten a lick of work done since he got back. But the more he complained about it the more obvious it was to Bernadette how much he loved all the attention.

"You know," she said, "you might have less of a problem if you'd stop wearing your NASA jacket everywhere. It's the middle of summer, Howie."

Howard grinned like a clown and put his hands behind his head. "I know, but I can't help myself. There's no way I'll ever top this. It may be all downhill from here but I intend to milk it for all it's worth." He turned back to her. "Thanks again for those aviator glasses. They make the outfit perfect."

"They're nothing compared to having a star that's actually been in space," she said as she fingered her necklace again. "But I never would have given you those if I knew you were going to walk around wearing them at night. It's not 1985."

Howard laughed. "What can I say? There's this woman who keeps popping up everywhere whose beauty shines brighter than the sun. And… oh! Look at that. How did she get in my bed?" He pulled her toward him and nuzzled her neck.

Bernadette giggled and pushed him away. "Listen, I told you about the drama going on with Sheldon and Amy."

He didn't let go of her but he gave her a suspicious smile, "Yeah, and I told you how nuts you were to get involved."

"Well, I need a favor from you," she said as she reached over and stroked his earlobe with her thumb.

Howard pulled her hand back down and looked her in the eye. "I won't help you drug him. I tried giving him one of Ma's valium once and it just made him crazier."

"No!" she said, slapping his chest. "I need a wire. And a transmitter. And I need you to show me how to use them."

Howard let her go and sat up. "Seriously? Bernie, this is getting a little ridiculous. Just tell Amy to take care of herself. She needs to stand on her own eventually."

Bernadette pushed herself up on her elbows and looked at him guiltily. "Well, she kind of already did say no. I want to slip a bug under her jacket."

He stared at her. "You can't be serious."

Bernadette dropped back down to the bed and buried her hands in her hair. "I can't just sit in the next room and _wait_ for her to tell me what _she_ thinks is important. I need to know what's happening real-time."

Howard lay back down next to her and sighed as he looked up at the ceiling. "Honey, I don't know. This isn't like you. You've never spied on anyone before." Luckily for Bernadette, Howard didn't see the guilty look on her face as the thought of Priya popped into her head. "Plus, there's the Bro Code."

"The Bro Code?" She asked incredulously. "You don't even like being in the same room with Sheldon half the time."

"Yeah, but I don't get along any better with Amy. Besides, the code is the code. I can't just ignore it."

Bernadette sat up and looked down at him suspiciously. "Spit it out Howard. What do you want?"

"Well, if you're going to play secret agent with Amy, then I think it only fair if we get to play James Bond when you're done."

Bernadette thought for a moment, then nodded. "Well, I suppose coming back from space does count as a special occasion."

"Which would justify a little James Bond all on its own," he said matter-of-factly as he strummed his fingers together.

Bernadette narrowed her eyes at him. "What are you getting at and why am I sure I won't like it?"

Howard stopped strumming his fingers, then sat up quickly and grinned at her. "Moonraker!"

Bernadette shot out of the bed like a rocket. "Mother of God, Howard!" She cried as she looked at him with an appalled look on her face.

He scooted over to the edge of the bed. "Come on! It's not like I'm not going to change the sheets. And if I miss any crumbs, we can just pretend they're moondust. Please?"

"I told you before I am not having sex with you on your mother's waterbed!"

Howard reached up and fingered her star necklace. She looked down at it, then back up into his puppy dog eyes as he stared up at her. "Please?" he begged.

"_Oh, God,"_ She thought. She took a deep breath and answered him. "One time. One time only! And then we never speak of it again." Howard looked at her in surprise then jumped up and kissed her quickly before running over to his chest to pull out his equipment. "I'm not done!" She said following him. "I want your promise we'll start looking for our own place this weekend."

Howard's head popped back up from behind the lid of the trunk. "But you set up the reception for this weekend."

Bernadette crossed her arms firmly. "We'll find the time."

Howard scratched the fuzz on the top off his head and started slowly pulling out tackle boxes filled with electronics. "Yeah, I guess we could, but I just got back. I thought we could just relax a little and…"

" Howie," Bernadette said as she walked over and kneeled down next to him, "When I let the lease lapse on my apartment it was because we were supposed to find a place that we could _both_ feel belonged to us, and especially _not_ to your mother. I don't want to put it off."

"OK, we'll start this weekend" he said. He leaned over to kiss her then buried his head back in the trunk. "No harm in looking," he said under his breath.

"What was that?" she said.

Howard quickly sat back up and smiled charmingly at her. "Did I tell you how beautiful you look in that necklace?"

**XXXXXXXX**

**Relationship Agreement next chapter! Not the end of the story, though. Nowhere close! **

**Since the tapings are starting and the spoilers will start coming out shortly, I'm considering the dry spell of this hiatus over. So if people wouldn't mind going to my profile and taking my poll that would be cool. I'm closing it out soon.**


	12. Epiphany

**Okey dokey. Give me a second to crack my knuckles here. Time to start taking this OOC. This scene is definitely not a first, at least not in the realm of fanfiction, but it is my own (with a nod to **_**As Good As It Gets**_**) so feedback is appreciated. I need to know things are staying believable. **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**Epiphany**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Once again, Raj walked into the lobby of the Langham Hotel with Sheldon. Sheldon was wearing the plaid jacket and striped tie he usually only wore on days when he had to teach a class. Amy wasn't due to show up until fifteen minutes after the time of the reservation. Sheldon wanted to time to fix things in case the hotel had moved anything around or given his table away. Raj wasn't exactly thrilled to be there, but he'd done some research and found out this hotel had the best tea cakes in L.A. County.

"This shouldn't take long," Sheldon said confidently. "I'll text you when I'm done."

"I'll be in the lobby lounge. I can see you come out from there," Raj said as he pointed to the left. "It'll also give me a good angle to see the police show up if this goes badly."

Sheldon stopped walking and looked at him in puzzlement. "The police?"

Raj held his finger up for Sheldon's attention. "Remember, whatever you do, don't turn your back on her and leave your drink on the table. If you do forget, ask for a new one."

"Please, spare me from your quirky foreign sense of humor today. This is not an Asian melodrama." Sheldon snorted and began walking away.

"Good bye, Sheldon," Raj called after him. "It was nice knowing you, mostly." Sheldon threw him a doubletake, then squared his shoulders and walked purposely towards the dining hall.

The maître d' had followed through on his promise and reserved the table just as he said he would. Instead of sitting down, Sheldon placed his shoulder bag on his chair and adjusted the table an eighth of a turn. Then he walked to the other side and kneeled down to insert pegs in two of the chair legs. He stood up and lightly touched the side of the chair. It wobbled unsteadily. He pulled the travel wipes out of his bag and cleaned his hands, then took a breath and sat in the chair. The entire room seemed to be looking at him, reflected in the floor to ceiling mirrors. All he had to do was look away, but the summer sun was just entering position to glare full force between the trees into his face whenever he tried to. He tried shifting position but the chair was impossible to steady. He stood up quickly and moved back to the good side of the table quickly. Five seconds. He'd lasted longer allowing Wolowitz to sit in his spot than he did sitting in that chair.

He looked around at the busy dining hall. He hadn't taken any of the bullying he'd received as a child personally as he knew they were just intimidated by his intelligence, but he knew Amy's experience was different. Being unable to look away from a wall of mirrors that doubled the number of people in the room that might be staring at her would bother her even more than it did him. She would be distracted and eager to finish the negotiations as soon as possible. She would give in just to get out of there. Nothing could go wrong.

He reached into his bag again and pulled out the Relationship Agreement, then started arranging stacks of flash cards around his placemat. They were sorted according to sections of the agreement and covered tactics to respond to whatever new freedoms Amy could ask for, if she could even bring herself to ask for anything while sitting in 'the hot seat'. He smiled, satisfied. He placed a TempurPedic travel cushion on his own chair and sat down to wait. He was in complete control of the situation.

XXXXXXXX

The maître d' watched the doctor's strange antics and realized he'd completely misjudged the situation. He pulled the hostess aside. "Do what you can. I want a buffer around table 16 if you can help it."

She looked at him in confusion. "Why? What's wrong? You said that table was for a wedding proposal. The other guests will think it's romantic."

He waved her off. "Forget what I said. I was wrong. This isn't a proposal. It's a divorce."

XXXXXXXXX

"Thank you for driving me Bernadette, but I assure you this is completely unnecessary." Amy said, trying to keep her voice level to disguise her nervousness. It concerned her that Sheldon would want to do this in such a public setting. It wasn't like him, and that was a bad sign. Bernadette was looking up in wonder at the enormous crystal chandelier in hanging from the ceiling of the marble lobby.

She looked back at Amy and smiled. "Friends are there for you whether you think you need them or not. Penny would be here too if it wouldn't stick her in the middle of you and Sheldon."

"I know, but you both know I would inform you of the results as soon as it was over."

"Then why didn't you tell me no?"

Amy smiled sheepishly at her. "I guess I am glad you're here." She looked around the lobby. "Where will you wait?"

Bernadette looked around as well and pointed at the lobby lounge. "I'll be in there. I could use a snack while I wait. Just remember. Don't fight him. If he starts pulling any crap you just walk away. He'll come around when he realizes what he's lost or… well…"

"Or he won't." Amy nodded. "Better now than later." She started to turn away when Bernadette reached towards her. Amy leaned back.

"What are you doing?"

Bernadette paused with her arms outstretched. "Hugging you?" She hoped Amy didn't notice the bug hidden between her fingers. "What's wrong? You like hugs."

"Yes, but you've never initiated one with me, and we're in public. What will people think?"

"It's not indecent, Amy." She closed the distance between them and hugged her. She rubbed her back reassuringly and attached the bug to the back of her cardigan, which she was wearing even though it was 80 degrees outside. When she pulled back Amy was looking at her with what might have been suspicion. Bernadette struggled to keep the smile on her face. She relaxed when Amy spoke and didn't call her out.

"I'll call you when I'm done." With that she turned and walked away to confront Sheldon.

XXXXXXX

There weren't many people in the lobby lounge, and those that were there were drinking cocktails. Raj got a table with a good view of the lobby and spent ten minutes trying to persuade the waiter to get him the tea cakes. He didn't understand the big deal. It's always 3 o'clock somewhere.

He was surprised to see Bernadette walk in with Amy, and even more surprised to see her walk towards the lobby lounge after Amy left. He perked up at the thought that this meant the streak Howard had been working on was probably over, but right now he was mostly happy at the prospect of company. He wouldn't be able to talk to her but a man eating a mound of tea cakes by himself was pretty pathetic. He snapped his fingers when she came in to get her attention and she looked at him in surprise. He waved to her. She looked around at first as if considering pretending she didn't see him, then sighed and walked over to his table. He wondered if he'd done something to make her mad at him, but then she pulled out the listening equipment.

She glared at him. "You saw nothing!" He sat back and crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at her judgmentally. "Fine," she sighed. She pulled out one ear bud and offered it to him. Raj grinned and leaned his head against hers. They both grimaced. At first they could hear nothing but scratching. Then the murmur of voices, but nothing distinct. Raj pulled back and looked at her. "Don't ask me. I did everything right." Bernadette's own complaining voice echoed back to her. Bernadette was pissed. From what Howard had told her that shouldn't even be possible unless Amy was sitting right next to her. As she pulled out the earpiece she felt a hand tap her on the shoulder.

"Excuse me? Is your name Mrs. Wolowitz?" Bernadette looked behind her. A bus boy was standing there.

"Rostenkowski-Wolowitz."

"Wow." He handed her a folded note. "This is for you." Bernadette unfolded it. Out of it fell the bug.

"Son of a bitch!" she yelled as she threw down the note. Raj picked it up and looked at it.

NOT COOL

Raj's shoulders shook with silent laughter and he patted her hand consolingly. "I can't believe I agreed to Moonraker for this!" Bernadette growled. Raj hand jerked against hers. She looked up at him sharply but his expression was innocent. She groaned and let her head drop back. "God! How am I going to look her in the face when she comes back out?"

Raj couldn't really feel sorry for her. But he also couldn't stop himself from thinking about how cute she sounded when she groaned. Or how nice her neck looked from that angle, for that matter. Bernadette sighed and looked back at him. "Can I have one of those?" He waved his hand towards them palm up and nodded. She thanked him and took a bite of a petit four with a little sugar rose on top. "That's good," she said. He nodded and took one himself. Raj's waiter came over at that moment and asked if he could get her anything.

"Well I have to have tea if I'm going to eat these," she said. "Raj, do you think an Irish coffee might be best for you, considering?" Raj shook his head. Bernadette frowned. "Well, I can't think of any alcohol that goes well with tea. At least not hot." Raj reached into his pocket and pulled out his the car keys. He jiggled them in front of her. "Oh," she said and looked back at the waiter. "That's all, I guess." The waiter left. Raj and Bernadette smiled awkwardly at each other as they continued to stick more sugar in their mouths. After Bernadette finished her second cake, she looked over at Raj. "How do you think it's going in there?" Raj frowned and looked at his hands. Bernadette sighed. "Yeah, me too."

XXXXXXXX

Sheldon looked over at the door at the exact time he'd given Amy and was pleased to see her standing there. She had taken off her cardigan and was examining it while the hostess greeted her. Sheldon smiled and smoothed his lapels. Everything was proceeding according to plan. Amy looked over and made eye contact with him for a moment before turning back to the hostess with a frown and pointing at her pen. Something nudged at Sheldon's awareness as he wondered what could be bothering her. He frowned. Had he missed something? He faced forward, and naturally his eyes fell on the torture seat he'd set up. Everything was under control.

Completely under control.

_Wait…_

His eidetic memory flashed back to a vision of Raj attempting to warn him before the lunch with Joan, and what happened when he ignored him.

_Oh, fudge. _

Now he saw Leonard. First pointing at a hastily drawn graph, next at a cheap poster as he shouted at him.

_Oh, frack._

And then he was standing in Amy's kitchen. On top of the world one moment and wondering what the hell went wrong the next. He remembered the anger in her voice. _You aren't going to control me so if that's the only reason you asked me to go out…_ Sheldon looked back over at Amy. The bus boy nodded to her and left as she handed something to him. Amy turned towards Sheldon and began walking towards him. Amy's voice continued to speak in his head. _…then maybe this needs to stop. _

"Oh, fuck!" Sheldon slapped both his hands over his mouth and flinched reflexively as if his mother's hand could reach all the way from Texas and slap him on the back of the head. He looked down at the neat piles of flash cards and paperwork around his place setting, then sprang up and started grabbing at them haphazardly, holding them against his chest without taking any care to keep them in order.

"Hello, Sheldon."

Sheldon yelped and spun around. Amy had pulled out her chair and was about to sit down. "No, don't!" He yelled, holding out his hand and dropping half his papers. "That's my spot!"

"Very well." Amy didn't blink. She merely walked over to Sheldon's cushioned chair and sat down. Sheldon hurriedly picked up the flashcards off the floor and stuffed them in his bag. He moved to the other side of the table and sat down.

Amy looked around the room as she pulled her copy of the Relationship Agreement out of her bag. "This is very nice."

"Yes," Sheldon croaked as he tried to balance his chair and squinted against the sunlight. "Nice." _Nice for hell._

Amy looked at him in puzzlement. He discomfort was obvious. He almost looked as if he were in pain. "You are usually more discerning when it comes to choosing your own spot." Sheldon squinted in the sunlight, then turned away and twitched as he looked past her. Amy looked behind her at the mirrors then back over at him. Her face fell in disappointment as comprehension dawned. "I see." She stood up.

Sheldon jumped to his feet and reached out to grab her wrist. "Don't go!"

Amy frowned at him. "Sheldon, let go."

He held on to her. "I won't try to control you, I swear…"

"Sheldon you're making a spectacle of…"

"I just didn't want to take a chance that... I didn't let you take the seat! Doesn't that count for something?"

"Sheldon! I'm not leaving. Though if you continue to behave this way you may get us both thrown out."

Sheldon let her go. "You're not?" He fell back into his chair but the sun was immediately in his face again. He looked away and squeezed his eyes shut. He was quickly losing the ability to concentrate on anything. The conversation around them had died down. He heard the sound of something being dragged over to his side of the table. He reluctantly opened his eyes. She had pulled over her chair, placing it between Sheldon and the window. She sat down and slipped off her loafers.

"Get up," she said.

Sheldon stood up without argument and shielded his eyes from the sun to look down at her. "What are you doing?"

Amy stayed bent down and pushed impatiently at his thigh. "Move." He stepped aside and she turned his chair to face hers. Then she slipped the toes of her loafers underneath the short legs and gave the chair a shake. It remained steady. When she looked up at him his pupils were constricted and he swayed a little. "For the love of Pete! Sit down." She jumped up and pushed down on his shoulders. He practically fell into the chair. "Head between your knees," she said as she pushed his head down. Sheldon offered no resistance and voiced no objections. Amy dipped one of the cloth napkins in Sheldon's ice water and draped it across the back of his neck, then sat back down herself. "The water's clean. Just calm down. There's no need to panic."

"Is anything wrong here?" Sheldon heard a voice say. He thought it might be the waiter but it was still hard to think straight.

"He'll be fine," Amy said. "Can you get him a hot chocolate please?"

Sheldon came to himself a little at that. He kept his head down but spoke up. "There's no R in the month of June, Amy," he said to her feet.

Her voice answered from above him. "Sheldon, there's a time and a place for whimsy, but I think we can both agree you need something a little stronger than herbal tea right now."

Sheldon's vision cleared. He noticed the outline of Amy's toes beneath the fabric of her tights. She was spreading them out and flexing them as if enjoying a taste of freedom from her loafers. He wondered if she was even aware she was doing it. _Fascinating._ The mundaneness of the observation helped him regain his equilibrium. Rationality returned as panic retreated. Amy wasn't the type of woman who would run out of a restaurant without her shoes on. Sheldon's breathing returned to normal as he calmed down. He slowly sat up and took the napkin off his neck as it began slipping down his back. He kept his eyes down. He was almost afraid to look at her.

"Don't look at the mirrors," she said. "If you keep facing me you should be fine." He looked up. With her head now blocking the sun, the frizz of her hair was lit up from behind like a halo. Glowing motes glinted in the air around her head. He wondered if it was dust or dandruff. Her eyes were very dark in the shadow. If he hadn't spent so many hours looking into them he wouldn't have known they were green. "Feeling better?" she asked. Sheldon nodded shakily. What he was feeling at that moment was very similar to what he'd felt when he realized he'd torpedoed Howard's chances of getting his security clearance. Amy reached into her bag and pulled out a red marker and a stack of Post It notes, then reached over to pull the Relationship Agreement over to their side of the table. Sheldon loosened his tie a little and undid his top button. Amy looked cool as a cucumber. To look at her you'd think nothing had happened at all.

The waiter returned with the hot chocolate on a tray and added the little marshmallows with silver tongs at the last moment. Sheldon picked it up with both hands and leaned over it like a jaded cowboy with his whiskey. He took a deep sniff as the waiter placed their menus before them. Sheldon jerked his chin at him as he turned to leave. "Leave the marshmallows." He blew on the chocolate and took a sip. It's the best hot chocolate he'd ever tasted. He looked down past it to Amy's hands where they rest on her knees. He couldn't believe how close he'd come to driving his whole relationship with her off a cliff. His nerves were still shaken but his chair at least remained steady. He looked guiltily at her. "Your shoes are going to be damaged."

"It doesn't matter. I was planning to buy new ones anyway, remember?"

Sheldon took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"I don't want to lose you, Amy."

"I suppose after that display I have to believe you, but… Can you tell me why, yet?" Sheldon shook his head. "Sheldon, I realize this is difficult for you. It's not exactly easy for me either. I understand the temptation to… stack the deck. But this isn't going to work anymore. Tell me. Did you give up on your plan out of guilt, or because you realized I would see through it?

He twisted his lips and glanced away from her again. "Both, I suppose."

"Sheldon, I need to know if there's a point to this. There is no reason to revise the agreement if this kind of relationship isn't what you really want. As Penny would say, 'put up or shut up'. I need an answer to the questions I posed in my apartment."

Sheldon was grateful she didn't insult his intelligence by repeating them, but he found that same intelligence still failed him when it came to answering. "I have been unsuccessful at quantifying and precisely defining my reasoning. That doesn't mean it was illogical just…"

"I believe some vagueness is justified in cases like these. I don't need you to tell me the meaning of life, just tell me what you do know."

"What I do know."

"Yes."

"I like you." Amy said nothing. Sheldon wasn't surprised. She had made it clear before this was an insufficient answer. "I understand I've said the same thing about my friends. I feel differently about each of my relationships to them as well." Sheldon frowned and tapped his fingers on his thigh. "I… I enjoy our time together. I'm very fond of you."

"Sheldon, if that's all it is, then it isn't enough. If there is more, please know that repeating an inadequate answer in different ways isn't going to cut it. Remember who you're talking to. If you require the use of analogies to express yourself, I won't judge you."

Sheldon's pride stung a little at that. "Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to. Analogies are for style and emphasis. Only hippies use them as substitutes for facts."

"Stay on topic, Sheldon. I believe your own awareness of your motivations is just as important as my need to hear them, perhaps more so. Just talk to me. We talk about everything else."

"I know." Sheldon tried to focus on the question. "Perhaps if I described my personal perception of your character..."

"It's a start."

They sat in silence while Amy waited and Sheldon looked at her shadowed gaze. A small frown came to Amy's face and Sheldon realized he was out of time. He didn't think about it anymore, he just knew he could not let her leave that chair. He took a breath and began to speak.

"As I said before, I enjoy spending time with you. You have many admirable attributes that lend to this. Your mind, your humor, your passion for logic and puzzles. I think, although you say you see no point in striving for it, you could very well win your own Nobel Prize one day. After me, of course." Amy looked at him without expression. Sheldon had hoped the compliment would make more of an impression. It would have with him. He soldiered on, though for once he had no idea where he was going with this. "You are more like me than anyone I've ever met, yet you somehow won over my friends in a matter of weeks without either controlling the real estate for social gatherings or requiring the guidelines of a written agreement. You understand things about human behavior I'm not sure I ever will, and you've never given me bad advice. "

"So you find me to be a valuable interpreter between you and the masses. You find me useful. Is that all?"

"No, that is not all!" He was offended that she could think he was that dense. "Howard is 'useful'. You're…" He stopped again and tried to pull his thoughts together. "Despite your baffling desire to foster attachments to other individuals, you do not lower yourself to the lies that Penny likes to call 'politeness'. There has not been a single instance since I've met you where you haven't said exactly what you mean, and it's almost always something that's all about being truthful and forthright and good, and however others may choose to interpret it is not an issue you concern yourself with. As rare as that is, I think most people miss that about you, though I don't understand how." He reached up and loosened his tie some more and cleared his throat. "There has been the occasional moment where I… where I find myself watching our friends, wondering how they can watch you eat Thai food or correct Leonard's grammar and never get that they are in a room with the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good." He paused for a moment, then quickly added, "About myself."

Amy blinked. Her frown disappeared and she bit her lips, but she said nothing. Sheldon put some more marshmallows in his hot chocolate and watched them bob as they began to melt. "And, as for Stuart, I didn't want you dating him, because he thinks so little of himself, and I thought when he looked up at you from his pit of despair, maybe he could see it, too. And it was bad enough I had to share you with Penny. So, I did try to control you, but it wasn't to protect my routine." He looked sternly into her eyes. "Having you in my life has become the worst thing for my routine since Penny moved next door and Leonard began to develop, as my mother would say, 'gumption'." He looked down at his cocoa again and saw Amy's hands were now clenching her knees. He looked back into her face. Her expression hadn't changed but her eyes were shining. He put the cocoa back on the table and continued, faster and more confidently. "There was really only one conclusion to draw from the data you gave me last week, and upon reflection, I find I have come to the same conclusion independently." Amy's eyes crinkled as she failed to suppress a smile. He smiled wryly back at her. "Recently, my feelings about you have been fluctuating in… strange directions. I am still sturggling to get it under control, and I'm certain given time I will. Since there is no rational basis behind those… Well, I don't feel they bear discussing. However, there is an emotional… thread, if you will, that existed before you even began the experiment, and it has remained constant and consistent. It doesn't matter whether you are taking me to try new things or I find myself alone with you in your apartment after dark. When I'm with you, I feel like… like I'm still in my spot." He picked up the hot chocolate and took one last sip and put it back down on the table. He didn't feel like he needed it anymore. He nodded to himself. "At home. In my spot."

"That's… that's quite a bit more than I expected to hear."

He looked back at her. She wasn't hiding her smile anymore. "Then you find my motives to be… satisfactory?"

"More than satisfactory. That was the best compliment anyone's ever given me my entire life." She grinned at him.

He grinned back at her smugly. "Well then, as with the tiara, I must have overshot the mark, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out the door."

Amy closed her eyes shook her head at him tiredly, but she didn't stop smiling. She opened her eyes again. "Sheldon, will you trust me?"

He nodded solemnly to her. "Always."

She pulled the cap off her marker and opened her copy of the agreement. "Then let's do this together, shall we?"

XXXXXXXXX

The maître d' watched the strange couple at table 16. They were now going over paperwork as they ate. They continued to face each other, occasionally nodding, holding their plates over their laps whenever they took a bite. The waiter came back over to him after refilling their beverages.

"Are you sure they're going over divorce paperwork?"

The maître d' shook his head "No. Forget it. From now on don't listen to a word I say. I don't know what the hell that is."


	13. I Love You, Man

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**I Love You, Man**

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"So then she actually had the nerve to tell the meter reader he was asking for it, or he would have worn a belt!"

Raj rolled his eyes in understanding at Bernadette's story of her new mother-in-law's adventures in hormone replacement therapy. They'd been waiting for nearly two hours. Plenty of time for him to have had a drink or two at the start and still be OK to drive, but their common understanding of the World of Wolowitz made it quite easy to keep the conversation going with a few pointed gestures and facial expressions on his end.

He was about to indicate that Mrs. Wolowitz had done the same thing to him when his phone chimed. As he pulled it out Bernadette's beeped as well. They both looked at each other and stood up. Raj waved Bernadette off when she reached into her purse. She looked like she was about to argue for a moment, then nodded a quick thanks and ran out of the lounge. Raj scanned the room until he found the waiter and walked swiftly over to him.

"Hi. Look, I'm sorry, but I need to pay my check right now. Like, five minutes ago," he said urgently.

The waiter looked at him, clearly annoyed. "Yes, sir. I'll be over shortly." He jerked his head towards the drinks he was carrying and turned to leave.

Raj stopped him again and threw a black graphite credit card on his tray. "Look, I understand but can you hurry it up, please?"

The waiter looked in surprise at the card and back at Raj's clothes. "Yes, sir!" He put down the drinks he was holding and ran off immediately while Raj turned and looked out towards the lobby.

Bernadette was already standing in the center or the lobby, waiting. Amy soon appeared, walking purposefully towards her. Bernadette stepped forward, then hesitated, looking uncertain. Raj watched as Amy stepped up and looked down sternly at her petite friend as Bernadette wrung her hands, obviously apologizing. He was surprised to see Amy grin and shake her head, then bend down and envelop the smaller woman in a big hug.

The waiter returned and handed Raj his card and the bill. Raj hurriedly scribbled his signature and added a tip. He walked out just as Sheldon entered the lobby, looking annoyed. Raj hurried to catch up to him.

"I just saw Amy. Why didn't you come out together?"

"I was arguing with the maître d'," Sheldon said. "I thought they'd added an extra zero to the bill but apparently I should have checked the prices of this establishment along with the geographic orientation. He strongly suggested I choose somewhere else to dine in the future."

"Well, that's nothing new." Raj finished putting his wallet away and walked alongside him. "So, are you OK? What happened? Did it end well?"

"Yes."

Raj wasn't sure what to make of that. He thought a victorious Sheldon would look more… smug. If anything, he looked confused. "How do you feel?"

Sheldon stopped and looked towards the exit. He caught a glimpse of Bernadette's blonde curls as she stepped into the revolving doors. Amy was just about to follow when she paused and looked behind her. She smiled when she saw him looking at her, then turned and disappeared. Sheldon looked back at Raj. He was staring at him expectantly.

"What?"

"Is the Shamy still on?"

Sheldon started walking again. "I've asked you not to use that term. It subsumes our individuality in a way that, if anything, is an argument against the idea of a being in a paired relationship."

"Whatever," Raj said, exasperated. "Are you still a couple? Is Amy still your girlfriend?"

"Of course she's still my girlfriend." Sheldon frowned at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I told you everything would be fine."

"You said it would be quick, too. Dude, you were in there, like, forever."

Sheldon sighed. "Must you always resort to hyperbole to make a point?"

"Don't try to change me, man," Raj retorted as he entered the revolving doors. Sheldon bypassed them in favor of the handicap exit. He had no wish to become trapped because a stray piece of gravel became stuck in the track at the wrong moment. They stepped out into the warm evening air and Raj ran a few steps to catch up with Sheldon's longer strides. "So, how did you two, you know, work it out?"

"I should think that was obvious," Sheldon said, keeping his eyes forward. "We talked."

"Did you give her what she wanted?"

"Yes."

Raj grabbed his elbow. Sheldon stopped and gave him a dirty look. Raj pulled his hand away. "You're kidding me! You two are going to get your freak on?"

"Don't be crude, Raj." Sheldon started to move forward, then hesitated. "That _was_ a crude remark, correct?"

"Yes."

"Hmm. 5 for 10 this month, my average is improving."

"Yeah, yeah. Good for you. So what _are_ you going to do to her? With her? Why don't you look upset?"

"Why should I be upset?" Sheldon answered as they approached Raj's car. "She gave me everything I wanted as well."

Raj stopped again as Sheldon continued walking to the passenger side door. "How the hell does that work?"

"Raj, I'm really not in the mood to give you a blow by blow of the proceedings. If you had your own relationship to concentrate on I'm sure you wouldn't be so interested in mine."

Raj glared at him. "Need I remind you that I brought you here tonight as a favor?"

Sheldon shook his head indulgently. "You don't need to remind me of anything. I'm _incapable_ of forgetting anything. Need I remind _you_ that you stated that you had nothing better to do?" Sheldon snapped the locked handle on the car impatiently. "Now can we please get going? I have some typing to do before bedtime."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Leonard waited nervously while he forged some new armor in _Skyrim_, but his heart wasn't in it. Raj had texted him a quick _BRB_ but that was all he knew. He looked up at the sound of the key in the door and quickly shut down his game. Sheldon came in and walked straight over to his computer while Raj followed behind and shut the door. Leonard looked at Sheldon and walked over to Raj, more reassured by Raj's expression than Sheldon's silence.

"No melt down?"

Raj shook his head. "No. But you still owe me."

Leonard waved his hand distractedly as he watched Sheldon pull out his paperwork. "Sure. No problem. So what happened?"

Raj shrugged. "I'm not sure. He says she gave him everything he wanted."

Leonard looked back at Raj and creased his eyebrows in confusion. "You're kidding. Then why did she do all this in the first place?"

Raj shrugged again and shook his head. "He says he gave her everything she wanted as well."

Leonard looked at Sheldon, then back at Raj. "How the hell does that work?"

"I don't know." Raj frowned then lifted his eyebrows as an idea came to him. "Maybe he actually did learn how to negotiate?"

"Trust me. The only thing he learned from all that crap was how to shove his own head up his ass."

"I can hear you, you know," Sheldon interrupted.

"We know," Leonard said.

"Well, I don't understand it," Raj said. "I thought I knew what this was all about but… I don't know. Look, can I have a carrot or something for the road? I ate so much sugar while I was waiting for him my mouth is tingling."

"Yeah, sure," Leonard said, stepping out of the way. "Feel free."

"Thanks." Raj walked over to the kitchen stuck his head in the refrigerator. He grabbed a baggie of baby carrots and walked back towards the door. "I'm not as young as I used to be. I remember the days when I could slam Pixie Sticks without worry."

Sheldon glanced over at him as he walked behind him. "You know you risk asphyxiation with no hope of rescue if you eat those while driving."

"I'll take the risk, Sheldon." He turned back to Leonard. "See you tomorrow, dude."

"'Night, Raj," Leonard answered as he held the door.

Raj leaned back into the room just as he stepped out and called out "You're welcome, Sheldon."

Sheldon looked over and grunted, then returned his focus to his computer screen as it finished booting up.

Leonard shut the door and walked slowly over to Sheldon. He stood over his shoulder and leaned down. "So, Sheldon. How ya doin'?"

"Fine," Sheldon said, keeping his eyes on the screen.

"How's Amy?"

Sheldon briefly touched the Relationship Agreement to align it with the edge of the desk, then looked back at the computer. "I don't know about right now but as of twenty minutes ago, fine."

"Still dating?"

Sheldon finally turned to look Leonard in the face. "Leonard, if you wanted real-time updates on the matter _you_ could have been the one to take me to the hotel."

Leonard stepped back in chagrin and bounced on his toes. "Right, sorry. You were just acting so stup… stubborn." Sheldon turned away from him and watched the icons on the computer screen pop up as the boot up completed. "I'm always here for you though, if you need me," Leonard added. "You know, if you're in the mood to admit you need me."

Sheldon ignored the quasi-apology and opened up his file directory. "Well could you be elsewhere right now? I have to type these revisions up before bedtime."

"Yeah, sure," Leonard said, and turned to walk away to his room. He got about halfway there when Sheldon called after him.

"Leonard, wait."

Leonard stopped and turned back. "Yeah, buddy?"

"About what you told me at Bob's Big Boy…"

Leonard stepped back towards him. "Uh huh?"

Sheldon paused and frowned. He looked like he wanted to say something important. "I know you were lying to that waitress. Your food was awful, wasn't it?"

Leonard stopped and shook his head ruefully. "Yeah, you got me."

Sheldon paused again, then turned back to his desk and opened up the agreement. "You can go now."

Leonard shook his head again and left to get ready for bed.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Howdy, stranger."

Raj looked up in surprise at the familiar voice and was met with the equally familiar grin of Howard Wolowitz. "Hi!" he said, standing up. Raj had wanted him to come by his office on his own, but had given up on the new superstar actually doing it.

Howard slipped into the office and closed the door behind him. "Sorry to bug you. I know you've been busy but I really wanted to see you."

"_I've_ been busy?"

"Look, I know it's not your style to just come down to the lab when you know a bunch of other people are gonna be there. I mean, thanks for being so understanding about it. I know you don't want to make it look like I'm just hanging out with my friends instead of working but I'm just… I'm kind of sick of it. I mean, I can't have lunch with my own friends, and even if I could I really just want to hang out with you for once." Howard sat down on the corner of the desk. "Look, I faked an appointment with the Mars Rover team so I can get out of the lab this afternoon. Do you think you could take a late lunch and meet me at the park?"

Raj frowned. "I'm not sure I can pull it off, man. Sheldon really has been riding my ass lately. I just got my office privileges back. You know I'll be there tonight. I'm not the one who's been cancelling."

Howard rubbed his thighs and sighed. "I know but, I really want a chance to talk to you without everyone else around. Can you swing it for me? Please?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Raj walked up to Howard where he sat on their old girl-watching bench. Even if he had just been walking by, Howard was impossible to miss with his NASA windbreaker draped over the side of the bench and his reflective aviator glasses on.

"Not exactly going incognito, are you?" Raj said as he sat down next to him.

Howard took his glasses off and grinned at him. "I got some brownie points I can use up if I get caught. The trick was getting out of there in the first place. I got Wil to cover for me in case they call the Rover team looking for me. He owes me one. Well, a lot more than one. But still…"

"Wil Wheaton? Isn't he just their spokesperson?"

"Yeah, but he hangs out there all the time," Howard said, waving back towards the complex. "He thinks space is cool. But who doesn't, you know?"

Raj snorted. "You don't need to tell me how cool space is. I was an astrophysicist long before you became an astronaut."

"I know, I know. Anyway, we never got a chance to really talk after the wedding. Everything was so rushed. I want you to know I really appreciated all the work you did to make it memorable, and I know things are going to be different from now on, and that maybe I can't be your wingman anymore, but you'll always be my brother as far as I'm concerned. So, in honor of the past…" Howard held out his NASA windbreaker out to him, holding it open and displaying the back to him.

Raj frowned. It was going to take a lot more than a windbreaker to make up for being such an ass hat lately. "Thanks, dude, but even if it would fit me, it's not really my style."

"Ah, but wait." Howard made a flourish, whipped back the jacket, and in his hands was Raj's authentic Patang New Delhi Indian fighting kite. Given to him by his favorite brother, to whom he'd never had the heart to admit he'd lost it.

Raj took it reverently. "You broke into Sheldon's room?"

"Nope. Got it back fair and square. Feel free to take it out in the daylight."

"But how did you get past his 'meaning of competition' and 'descent into anarchy' nonsense?" he said as he checked it over for damage.

"I took his Mego Mr. Spock action figure into space along with Bernadette's necklace and got a picture of a 'real' astronaut holding it. Everyone has their price."

Raj looked back at Howard and grinned. "Thanks, dude. This really, really means a lot to me."

Howard shook his head modestly. "You know, there were several times over the last month when I was sure I was gonna die, hell, I heard Mission Control was actually laying bets on it."

Raj blew air past his lips and looked in the other direction. "Oh, I'm sure they were just pulling your leg."

"I know, but it didn't feel like it at the time. And it really does make you think." He put his hand on Raj's shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, buddy. If you ever need anything from me, all you gotta do is ask."

"Thanks. It's nice to hear that," Raj said, blinking back tears. "You know, there is one thing you could do for me right now."

Howard smiled and held his hands out. "Name it."

"What was Moonraker like?"

Howard stared at Raj as the blood drained from his face. He bent over and shook his head to clear it. "She told you?" he asked incredulously.

Raj leaned back and shook his head dismissively. "She didn't know I knew what it meant. But come on," he nudged him with his elbow. "That's one of your top ten fantasies, am I right?"

"Yeah, but…" he leaned forward and lowered his voice. "OK, in the first place, you realize you're asking me to talk to you about my sex life with my wife?"

"You expect me to believe that's a problem for you?" Raj asked.

"Yes. Well…" Howard looked briefly at the ground then back up to Raj. "Maybe not, but…"

"Yes?"

"In the second place…" Howard closed his eyes.

Raj blinked and cocked his head at him. "Are you having trouble getting your mom out of the house?"

"No. Ma was out with her bridge buddies last night. We had the place to ourselves 'til midnight."

"So?"

"Look, she was so bummed out when she came home that she got caught that I almost felt guilty when I told her _'Told you so'_. But even though I knew it was a stupid thing to say before I even said it, it didn't piss her off. She just grabbed my hand and started pulling me down the hall saying _'Let's get this over with' _and…"

"And?"

"And I let her off."

"'Til the weekend?"

"Until forever."

"You're joking."

Howard shook his head. "It turns out, once you get used to a girl actually enjoying having sex with you, the idea of her just going through the motions is kind of a turn off."

"Holy cow, dude! She really has made you a better man."

"Well… That's one way of looking at it. Another is that my subconscious is so full of self-hatred it's finding new and interesting ways to keep me from getting laid. Still, the streak was good while it lasted."

"Well, this is still a pretty exciting time for you both. Are you still going to look for your own place?"

Howard grimaced. "We're supposed to start looking this weekend."

"That's good right?"

"Yeah, I just don't see a way to do this and make everybody happy."

"You'll figure it out."

"Well, it won't be easy. And it's going to take up a lot of my time. But even if we can't hang out for a while, we still have Comic Con to look forward to."

"I thought you used up all your vacation?"

"I did. But I'm calling in sick," Howard said resolutely. "We are not missing it."

"Bernadette doesn't mind?"

"She knows we do it every year and it's not like she can just tag along like during our gaming marathon. They sold out in less than an hour this year. It's impossible for her to come. You'll see. It'll be great. Just us guys."

"I guess," Raj said doubtfully. He'd still be the only one without someone to come home to.

Howard knew what he was thinking. "Don't get me wrong, buddy. I know things are different. And they're going to stay different. But you're still my best friend, even if we can't pick up chicks together anymore."

"Anymore? How often did that actually happen without money being exchanged?"

"You know what I mean. So…" Howard held out his hand. "Friends?"

Raj grabbed it and shook it. "To the end. I'm glad you're back, dude."

"Me too," Howard said as they stood up to leave. "I'll see you tonight."

"You'd better."


	14. Dinner and a Show

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Dinner and a Show**

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Penny opened the door of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment and walked in without warning. "Hi, Sheldon."

Sheldon looked over from the kitchen where he was setting out glasses and graced her with a smile that was more than half annoyance. "Good evening, Penny. Thank you for knocking. Do come in." Penny ignored the sarcasm, at least he got it right this time, and walked over to him as he continued speaking. "I trust your latest round of failed auditions went smoothly."

"It just so happens I got another callback, Mr. Know-It-All."

Sheldon's smile became genuine. "Really? That's good news. What for?"

"Handmaiden #3 on an HBO pilot," Penny said proudly. "It doesn't have a title yet."

"Handmaiden #3?" Sheldon frowned. "Do you have any lines or is this another version of the dead hooker?"

"I am very much alive and yes, I have lines." Penny looked away and tugged on a braid. "None you can actually hear, though. Oh!" She turned back, holding a finger up. "I get to gasp! I'm sure it will get on the sound track. I might even get in the credits!"

Sheldon shook his head in wonder. "Your tenacity in the face of repeated failure never ceases to amaze me, Penny." Penny rolled her eyes and looked around the apartment.

"So where's Leonard?"

"Picking up dinner, of course," Sheldon said, handing her a soda. "He should be back shortly. I must say it's unusual for you to show up before the scent of free food wafts under your door."

"Well, maybe I'm just feeling sociable," Penny said as she took the glass with a smile.

Sheldon nodded in agreement. "You do 'socialize' to a degree some might consider to be unhealthy."

Penny gave him a dirty look, then replaced it with a dazzling smile as she turned away and sauntered over to the couch. "So, Moon Pie. How are you?"

It was Sheldon's turn to give her a dirty look this time, but he refrained from scolding her, as Amy had suggested Penny might be using the nickname to deliberately bait him. "Hungry. I'm looking forward to having everyone here eating their proper proportions again." He finished pouring himself a Kool-Aid and put the pitcher back in the fridge.

"How's your spot?"

"My spot?" He looked back at her. She wasn't sitting in it, but she was looking between it and him meaningfully. "Were you messing with it again?" he asked in alarm.

Penny raised her eyebrows innocently and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. "You would know if I did, right?"

"Yes," he said. Walking quickly over and sitting down.

Penny leaned her head on her arm as she turned to watch him squirm as he tried to sense any difference in his spot. "So what do you think?"

Sheldon ceased moving, then stayed perfectly still with his head tilted to one side before turning back to her. "No."

Penny smiled. "Feeling comfortable? At home?"

Sheldon looked around, then back at Penny. "I am at home. What are you getting at?"

"Does it feel just… perfect?"

Sheldon grasped his armrest with one hand and rubbed his thigh with the other as he regarded her apprehensively. "Penny, you know how I feel about my spot."

Penny crinkled her eyes up and grinned at him in amusement. "Yes. You just luuuuuv your spot, don't you?"

Sheldon leaned away from her. "I feel there's a subtext to this conversation I'm not following."

Penny sighed. "Fine, genius. Play dumb if you want. Where's Amy at?"

"She'll be a little late," Sheldon got back up to retrieve his drink, although he was reluctant to leave Penny so near his spot while she was behaving so oddly. "The monkeys had a feces fight. She's supervising the clean-up."

"Eww," Penny said with a look of disgust. "There goes my appetite."

"Interesting," Sheldon said, stroking his chin. "What would it take to cause an aversion to using other people's WiFi?"

Just as Penny opened her mouth to retort, a knock sounded at the door. It opened wide and Howard stepped in, accompanied by Raj and Bernadette.

"Greetings, Earthlings! You know Raj, and you've met my wife, I believe."

Penny jumped up and rushed over. "Aw, welcome back, Howard!" She gave him a big hug, then leaned back and looked at him. "Oh my God! Look at your hair!" She reached out to rub the spiky looking mass but he managed to duck out from under her, looking embarrassed.

"It'll grow back," he said, attempting to smooth it down with one hand and wrapping the other back around Bernadette's waist."

"I think it's cute," Bernadette said. He smiled at her and they rubbed noses together Eskimo style.

Penny grimaced a little. "Well, the two of you certainly are cute enough to make someone sick." She clapped her hands and held her hands out, an incredulous smile on her face. "Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz! Together at last."

Bernadette cleared her throat and corrected her. "Rostenkowski-Wolowitz."

Howard smiled at her indulgently. "Well, if you want to get technical, honey-bunch, together it's _still_ Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz. It's not like I changed my name."

"Actually, the correct phraseology would be Dr. and Mr. Wolowitz," Sheldon interjected, sensing his expertise in the area of semantics would prove useful here. "The male title in this case being superseded by her superior status."

Howard, strangely, did not appear to be grateful. "I have a master's degree!"

"Hence the mister."

"Ignore him." Penny said. "Howard, I'm glad you're back. We were all rooting for you. I'm really sorry for thinking you were lying."

Howard's smile faded. "When did you say that?"

"Oh," Penny stammered. "Well, I never said it. Out loud. To you. I mean, you have to admit it was pretty unbelievable. I mean, the odds of you becoming an astronaut… You! Howard Wolowitz!"

"Well trust me, it happened." Howard rubbed his chest and stomach self-consciously. "I left a good portion of my body mass up in orbit."

"Yeah, you do feel a little... pointy" Penny hadn't wanted to say anything when she felt his rib cage so clearly through her embrace. "I didn't realize you had any fat to lose."

"I really didn't. It's more muscle tissue and bone loss." They walked into the living room and he and Bernadette took a seat on the couch while Raj took the chair to their right. "But they say I can gain the muscle back as long as I avoid contact sports." Raj leaned over and whispered helpfully into Howard's ear. "And running down stairs." Raj whispered again. "And speed bumps, yes, she gets the point!" Raj gave him a 'touchy, touchy' look and leaned back in his own chair.

The door clicked again and they turned to see Leonard walk in, balancing an arm load of food as he dropped his keys into the bowl and pushed the door closed with one foot. "Hey, guys! Glad you finally made it." Sheldon stepped up to help, the quicker to examine the orders for mistakes, and they both started removing boxes from the bags. "I got Indian. Hope you're hungry." Raj looked worried. Leonard saw the look. "Don't worry, Raj. I didn't forget." He handed Raj a smaller paper bag. Raj smiled and pulled out his Big Mac. Once the food was distributed and Sheldon had satisfied himself as to the accuracy of his order, they all helped themselves to drinks and distributed themselves around the living room.

Raj whispered to Howard again as he sat back down and handed Raj his drink. "No, I didn't ask." Raj gestured toward Bernadette emphatically. Howard sighed. "Did you get anything more specific out of Amy, today?"

"No. Just that she was pretty happy with it and it followed along the lines we discussed."

Howard exchanged a look with Raj. Raj just shrugged. "And what are those?"

Bernadette shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, hon'. I guess you could call it the Gal Code."

"Oh, we'll talk later then," he said, handing her a napkin.

"No. Seriously," she said, looking at him sternly.

"Of course," Howard answered. Then he winked.

Bernadette sighed and ignored him. "Sheldon, where's Amy?"

"She's…"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Penny interrupted, pointing a fork at Sheldon in warning. "She got delayed. She'll be here soon."

"Should we wait?" Howard asked. Everyone paused in surprise. Most had already started eating and Penny had just stuffed a big bite of saffron rice in her mouth.

"Absolutely not!" Bernadette said. "You need to stop making excuse and eat, Howard."

"You and Ma have been stuffing me non-stop since I came back. I'm still full from that 'snack' Ma made me eat two hours ago. Even if I was a hobbit I'd be crying 'uncle'! It won't kill me to wait ten minutes."

Bernadette narrowed her eyes at him "Are you saying I'm wrong?"

"No."

"Then start eating!" It wasn't 'the voice', but it had enough of a hint in it that only a fool would ignore it.

"Yes, Ma- ma- m'lady." Howard quickly took a huge bite of samosa and commenced chewing the hot food with difficulty.

Bernadette glared at him. "If you're getting it from both of us enough to mix us up, then obviously the problem is with you."

Howard kept chewing and nodded, his face red with mortification.

"Jeez. How much does he need to gain?" Leonard asked. Howard was definitely on the wrong side of skinny but he didn't think he looked unhealthy.

"Not that much to be safe," Bernadette admitted. "But I won't be happy until his hiney fills out his hot pants again."

"Didn't need to hear that," Penny muttered. Leonard nodded in agreement.

"Howard, how could you lose so much weight with the opportunity to eat as much astronaut ice cream as you want?" Sheldon sounded genuinely confused. That or his second attempt at sarcasm for the day was falling flat.

"That stuff isn't as awesome as you'd think when you're trying not to throw up for three straight weeks."

"Oh," Sheldon said with a look resembling sympathy. "Well at least you accomplished a first while you were up there. I don't think NASA's ever had to hold an in-orbit seminar on hostile work environments until you."

"You know about that?" Howard asked, surprised.

"It's not a good thing, Sheldon," Leonard said.

"I didn't say it was good. Just a first," Sheldon clarified primly.

"Well, I could have done without it. The Russians just played nice after that so they could give it to me double after we landed. Those bastards are crafty." Howard shook his head and rubbed his scalp again. "I think the Cold War might still be going on and they're just waiting for the perfect moment to catch us off our guard."

"I see." Sheldon nodded. "Your insinuation being that the United States is the equivalent of an overprivileged yet underachieving mamma's boy with an equally overinflated ego just begging for a beat down?"

"Sheldon!" Penny yelled.

"Hey, it's none of my concern what you think but I strongly advise you never to repeat that opinion in Texas," Sheldon said blithely before taking a bite of chicken masala.

Howard glared at Sheldon, then smiled tightly. "Well, then. Enough about me," he said through his teeth. "Sheldon. Old. Friend. Tell me. What's new with you?"

"Nothing compared to your adventures." Sheldon said modestly.

"Nothing at all?" Howard said meaningfully.

"Nothing that would interest an engineer. But ignoring that, I did engage in a delightful online conversation this morning regarding the likelihood of the Higgs-Boson particle's existence being confirmed before the end of the year. The correct answer? Not gonna happen."

"Oh, come on, Sheldon," Leonard said in exasperation. This was an on-going argument between them. "Everyone knows they're close and they haven't even finished crunching the data from the last run."

Sheldon shook his head in condescension. "Your loyalty to the experimentalists, especially considering their work is original, unlike yours, is understandable. However it is completely misplaced. Although I am certain through my _theoretical_ work that the Higgs-Boson particle does exist, the fact remains that..."

"Excuse, me. Leonard," Howard interrupted. "Is this really what you think everyone wants to talk about?" Penny tilted her head toward Sheldon and patted her heart in the rhythm of a heartbeat.

"Oh. Right." Leonard stopped talking and leaned forward while everyone but Sheldon mirrored the action.

"Sheldon, what's the deal with you and Amy?" Howard asked.

Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door. For once, the caller did not proceed to presumptively walk straight in.

"Who is it?" Sheldon called.

"It's Amy."

"Dammit," Howard said, and fell back against the back of the couch.

"Come in," Sheldon called. Amy let herself in and walked into the living room. Howard moved to the floor and Bernadette scooted over to give Amy room on the couch. "Hello, Amy," Sheldon said warmly. "Howard was just asking about you."

Amy looked in surprise at Howard as she sat down. She had been concerned about him while he was gone, but he had never shown any interest in her since their first meeting. "He was? Why?"

"No reason," Howard grumbled.

"Well then," Sheldon said, getting up and moving to his desk. "I suggest we move to a new topic of discussion as soon as Amy signs this paperwork."

"Come on, Sheldon," Penny said. "The girl just spent the afternoon… she's had a hard day. Let her eat first."

"Yeah, she hasn't even said hi to Howard yet," Bernadette added.

Amy looked awkwardly at Howard. "Hi."

"Hi," he responded.

"Well, I suppose a few minutes delay won't hurt," Sheldon hesitated, and put the bundle of papers back on his desk.

"Thank you, Sheldon," Amy said, as Leonard handed her her food.

"No problem," Sheldon said, waving his hand dismissively. He walked back over to the couch, stood before his spot awkwardly for a moment, then sat down next to her. "Of course. I'm not really certain what the proper behavioral protocol is without the agreement being finalized," he said, staring at his plate. Amy frowned at him.

Raj whispered into Howard's ear. Howard gave a short giggle and spoke up. "I guess you should just be quiet until after dinner then, Sheldon."

Sheldon nodded and started to eat his food without another word.

"Seriously?" Leonard said. "That worked?"

"How exactly would signing the agreement make a difference?" Penny asked, intrigued. She was looking at Amy though, not Sheldon.

Sheldon looked uncomfortable, but he continued to stare silently at his food and pick at it with his elbows tucked in. Amy watched him. No one else said a word.

"Never mind," Amy said. "My dinner can wait. Let's get this over with."

"Oh, thank goodness!" Sheldon said. He jumped up and Amy followed him over to his desk. Amy began quickly scanning each paper, reading each section in its entirety before initially at the appropriate location while Sheldon pulled out his notary book and stamp.

Penny noticed Bernadette was frowning. "What is it?"

"I thought things went well, but that looks longer than the old one."

"Sheldon, feel free to notarize this if it makes you feel better," Amy said, "but you do realize you cannot legally notarize a document in which you are one of the parties?"

Sheldon stopped in surprise. "You didn't object last time."

Amy continued to scan the document as she answered him professionally. "You had romantically swept me off my feet. Not to mention I was distracted by feelings of guilt over leaving Stuart in the lurch. My head is clearer this time."

Sheldon looked helplessly between the document and his beloved ink pad. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

Amy shrugged. "It makes no difference to me. You have until I finish reviewing this to figure it out."

"Did you get any details from her?" Penny asked Bernadette in a low voice.

Bernadette shook her head. All the guys leaned in to listen. "She said I had to wait since I cheated. You?"

Penny looked over her shoulder at them, then turned back. "Nothing on the agreement. She did tell me what he said though." She smiled. "It was pretty incredible. Well, for Sheldon. From the sound of it I thought they were supposed to get rid of that thing altogether."

"Really?" Leonard asked in surprise.

Bernadette ignored him. "Not entirely but… I swear that really does look longer than the old one."

Amy finished signing and returned the papers to Sheldon. He walked over and placed it in one of the file cabinets near the hallway and handed her another copy in a plastic binder similar to the old one. "You may keep this one. I will also email you an electronic copy."

"Very well," Amy said. "Will the signatures suffice, or have you come up with another idea on formalizing the completion of the agreement?"

"Well, I know from experience with Leonard that a simple signature isn't enough." He thought for a moment as they stared at each other. "We could add a gentlemen's agreement."

Amy smiled. "The term is inherently sexist; however I have no other objections, as long as we are clear that this is your idea." Sheldon nodded. He held his hand out, and they shook on it. He immediately left for the bathroom to wash his hands, while Amy sat back down and picked up her food. She turned to Howard with a smile. "You must be doing well, Howard. I'm sure no one expected you to peak so early in life considering the lackluster profession you had chosen."

Howard stared at her. "You never run out of charming things to say, do you Amy?" he said dully.

Amy smiled, missing the sarcasm completely and taking Howard's response as encouragement to continue. "And I suppose you and Bernadette have been having an extremely satisfying run of sexual intercourse since your return. It must be exhilarating to partake in such an activity completely free of any judgment from society at large. Tell me, obviously Bernadette won out, but how did you determine she would be on top the first night?" Leonard looked at Amy in horror and Penny rubbed her temples with a groan. Amy frowned as she looked around at the room of dismayed faces. "I don't understand. Doesn't their new status as conjoined connubial partners remove any stigma from either acknowledging or discussing their sexual activities?"

No one really had an answer for that, but it turned out not to be needed as Sheldon had returned in time to hear the last remark. "Oh, Amy. No one cares about that. Now that we're all here I believe it's time for a new topic of discussion."

"Certainly," Amy said companionably. The smiled warmly at each other and the others quickly forgot about Amy's inappropriate remarks and leaned forward eagerly.

"Did you know the Pasadena City Council voted to add 5 more seconds to crosswalk times?" Sheldon said excitedly.

"I did not hear that," Amy said with interest. "That should give us more flexibility on date nights."

"Indeed. I'm glad things worked out despite the fact that I was unable to add my input during the debate." They smiled at each other again, then took a sip of their respective beverages and returned to eating their food. The others stared at them as they continued eating in silence.

Finally, Penny put her food down and stood up. "OK, Amy. You're coming next door with us."

Amy looked up in surprise. "But I'm still eating."

"Bring it with you," Penny said, walking towards the door. Bernadette stood up as well after landing a quick kiss on the top of Howard's head and stepped around the couch.

"Penny, this is not proper social etiquette!" Sheldon exclaimed.

"Stuff it, Sheldon," Penny said, opening the door and gesturing through it with her whole arm. "Come on, Amy. Scoot." Amy stood up with her food and walked over in confusion. "Bernadette, grab that," Penny said, pointing to the Relationship Agreement poking out of the top of Amy's bag.

"Already on it," she said, pulling it out and running out the door towards Penny's.

"Hey!" Amy shouted. "Um, I'll be back in a minute," she said before turning quickly to chase after Bernadette. Penny wrinkled her nose at the guys in a self-satisfied smirk and shut the door behind her.

Sheldon turned back to face forward as he tried to work out what had just happened. "Well, that was odd."

**Next up, 'Differential Analysis'. Sorry, it just keeps growing and growing and…**


	15. Differential Analysis

**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

**XXXXXXXXX**

**Differential Analysis**

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Bernadette was delayed by the time it took to open Penny's door, but Amy was also attempting to run after her while balancing a dish who's ingredients, if spilled, defied stain treatment. Penny easily slipped around her after shutting the door and began trying to snatch the document away from Bernadette. "Let me see it! Let me see it!" Penny shouted excitedly like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Wait your turn!" Bernadette snapped at her. "I didn't sleep at all last night. And I had it first."

Amy balanced her food precariously on the back of Penny's couch, then smacked her hands together so loud a neighbor could have mistaken it for a gunshot. The two tussling blondes froze. "Stop it, both of you! I can't believe that you especially, Bernadette, would behave this way after what you pulled last night. And Penny, you have given me ample reason in the past not to trust you; no matter how beautiful your hair moves in a summer breeze. Neither of you even asked me if you could look at it. Instead you run off like Ricky after he steals nicotine gum out of my purse." She gestured at them in disgust. "And now look at you, going at it like a couple of monkeys fighting over a pack of menthols." Penny and Bernadette looked at each other, stunned and embarrassed.

Penny let go of it first. "Sorry, Ames. You're right. We're all adults here. We should act like it." Bernadette held the agreement to her chest with her lips pressed tightly shut. Penny gave Bernadette a meaningful look. "Come on, Bernadette."

Bernadette frowned down at the document, then held the now slightly crinkled packet out to Amy. "Right. Sorry." Amy reached out for it and accepted the apology with a tight nod.

"Bring your food over to the kitchen, sweetie," Penny said contritely. "I'll pour us some wine."

Amy retrieved her food and walked over to the counter to sit but shook her head at the offer. "Penny, I drove here."

"You're not going anywhere any time soon. One glass won't kill you." Penny took a bottle out of the fridge and poured three glasses, though Amy's may or may not have been slightly fuller than the others. "Here," she said and raised her glass. "To Sheldon and Amy!" They all clinked their glasses together and took a sip. "Whatever that means," she added, shaking her head.

"God, I can't do this." Bernadette put her wine down and banged her head softly against the counter. "Amy, please, I've suffered enough. At least tell me what Sheldon said to you last night."

Amy tried to keep her face stern as she looked into her wine glass. "Suffice it to say, Sheldon expressed his affection for me, and that it is outside of the realm of friendship. He's in this relationship for the right reasons." A smile formed on Amy's lips in spite of herself as she thought about it.

"But what did he say?" Bernadette practically whined. This was exactly why she'd needed a bug in the first place.

Penny grinned over her glass as she took another sip. "That she's the best woman in the whole world, and when he's with her, he feels like he's in his spot." Amy blushed and her suppressed smile widened.

Bernadette wasn't nearly as impressed or satisfied. But she resisted the urge to grab Amy and shake her again. "But did he say he loved you?"

"No," Amy said, surprised at the question, "but It's not as if I've told him I love him."

"Come on, Bernadette. It's Sheldon," Penny said, topping off Amy's glass. "It's good enough he's officially crushing on her. Let 'em start with the basics."

"Well, if you wanna talk basics," Bernadette placed her hand on her hip and leaned in towards Amy. "What about more… earthy feelings."

Amy refused to look Bernadette in the eyes but her smile was smug. "There was an allusion to some irrational feelings towards me he's been having difficulty controlling."

"Please. That could mean anything," Bernadette said dismissively.

"Well it certainly was not _nothing_," Amy said with conviction.

"So, are those addressed in here," Penny said, extending her fingers towards where Amy had put the Relationship Agreement down by her dinner. Amy shot her a warning look, and Penny's hand stopped moving.

"Yes," Amy said.

"How exactly?" Bernadette pushed.

Amy took a bite of food before answering. "We've established some guidelines. For now the important thing is that Sheldon wants to be my boyfriend for the right reasons."

"Really," Bernadette said. She eyed the agreement where it lay between them. Amy moved it to her other side and Bernadette resisted the impulse to snap at her. "Why is this thicker than before?" she asked, keeping her voice high and sweet.

"Well, we had to add the stipulations that you and I talked about, Bernadette," Amy said, surprised Bernadette needed to ask.

Bernadette shook her head. "I didn't mean to write them down. If he agreed to act that way there shouldn't have been a reason anymore for the agreement."

Amy frowned at her. "That's not how Sheldon works. I had to provide him with a structure that would allow him to feel comfortable enough that when he does make a move…"

"So it is when, not if?" Penny interrupted.

Amy looked up at her and bit her lip. "Well…"

Penny reached out and stroked Amy's hand. "Amy. We promise to behave. But you've got to let us see this. I mean, come on. I'm supposed to be your best friend." Penny crossed her hands over her chest and looked at Amy with a hurt expression. "Do you know how much it hurts my feelings to be shut out like this?"

Amy looked at her sternly and clenched her hands into fists. "You're attempting to manipulate me emotionally."

Penny didn't answer her. And for good measure, stuck out her bottom lip and started batting her eyes.

Amy cracked. "Damn it," she said softly.

Penny gave a yip of glee and spun the Relationship Agreement over to her side of the counter. Amy took a big swig of wine and returned her attention to her dinner while Bernadette ran over to stand by Penny's elbow. "The Relationship Agreement. Revision One," Penny read formally and opened up to the first page. She frowned at the language. It was Sheldon's letter all over again. Times one hundred. "Why can't you just do this like normal people," Penny said as her brow furrowed in concentration.

"Perhaps because we aren't normal," Amy said without looking up. "We're exceptional."

"You're something," Penny agreed.

Amy ground her teeth and continued to eat while feigning serenity, trying to ignore the fact that Penny and Bernadette were drooling over the symbol of her and Sheldon's relationship like a pair of vultures on a fresh corpse. They hadn't commented on one word of it and she was regretting the impulse to share already.

Penny flipped haphazardly through the document as she tried to find a more English-y phrase she could latch onto. "Food... Relatives... Supernatural Disasters... Where's the good stuff?" She flipped back to the Table of Contents.

"There," Bernadette said, pointing. "Section Five. Intimate Physical contact." Penny immediately turned to the renamed Section Five. Her face lit up with delight before being immediately replaced with first confusion, then frustration as she swiftly read.

"What the hell is this?" She asked angrily.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sheldon quickly gave up his attempt at interpreting female behavior patterns. It didn't involve him anyway. "Well, their gab fests have never lasted less than half an hour," he said congenially. "Who's up for a game of Klingon Boggle after we finish eating?"

"Screw Boggle," Howard said. "What's in that agreement? What kind of public behavior were you worried about?"

"Forget about the public," Raj said. "Let's talk about the private. I still want to know how it is that both of you get what you want." He and Howard both got up and walked towards the back of the room.

Sheldon realized what they intended and stretched his long legs to beat them there. He pushed the drawer back shut as soon as Raj started to pull it open. "You can't just go through my things without permission!" he said indignantly.

"Then give me permission because I'm gonna see what's in that agreement," Raj said with determination.

"What have you got to hide, Sheldon?" Howard asked archly.

"Nothing," Sheldon said with the assurance of a man on firm moral ground. "What I object to is your total disregard for my 4th Amendment Rights. Specifically, those guaranteeing my rights to private property and privacy!"

Leonard stepped over and tried to defuse the situation. He had creeped himself out last night lying in bed thinking about it, and he'd come up with only one explanation he felt fit all the data. "Sheldon, just be straight with us. Did she force you to pretend you're moving forward just so she wouldn't be embarrassed? Are you two even still dating?"

Sheldon's face instantly turned bright red. He started shaking and he squeezed his eyes shut. Raj and Howard stepped back, for a moment afraid his head was going to explode. Suddenly Sheldon burst out loudly. "Amy is… Amy is a wonderful woman, and I… I am… happy to be in a romantic relationship with her." Sheldon stopped shaking and held his breath. The room was silent. Sheldon slowly peeked through one eye.

All three were staring at him in shock. There probably wouldn't have been much difference if his head really had exploded.

"This must be what it feels like to go insane," Leonard said softly.

"Did Kripke teach you how to throw your voice?" Raj asked without moving his eyes away from Sheldon.

"No," Howard said, just as frozen. "That was all him." Suddenly, they both sprang simultaneously for the drawer again. Howard had actually started to stick his hand in when Sheldon moved in time to push it shut again, this time blocking it with his body.

"Damn it, Sheldon!" Howard snapped, clutching his hand. "I almost lost a finger."

"It would serve you right!" Sheldon said, shaking his own finger at him. "You need to grow up, Howard. Nothing has changed."

"The hell it hasn't," Howard said, stepping forward in challenge. "You just said you were happy to be in a relationship. And you said something nice about another person. I'm not sure which is stranger."

Sheldon stood up straight and attempted to look superior. It didn't come off as well as usual. "There's nothing wrong with it if it's true."

"So suddenly you admit you like having a girlfriend?" Leonard asked. "What happened to '_I'm in hell, Leonard'_?

"You guys must be doing something," Howard said.

"No." Raj shook his head. "They haven't had time to do anything."

Howard looked from Raj to Leonard in exasperation. "Well they must be _going_ to do something."

"We didn't _do_ anything," Sheldon said. "We talked. We will continue to talk."

Howard narrowed his eyes and stepped closer again. "What's in the agreement, Sheldon?"

"It's none of your business," Sheldon said. His voice betraying a bit of quaver as Raj and Howard both started to crowd him. Sheldon backed up against the cabinet and leaned back, a little bit of fear edging into the look of shear stubbornness on his face.

Leonard recognized the beginnings of panic creeping up on Sheldon's face. "Whoa, whoa, guys. Cool down a sec. I think we're getting close to crossing a line here." Leonard gently pushed them back and stepped between them and Sheldon. Sheldon sighed in relief as his bubble of personal space reexpanded.

"You don't think the girls aren't going through that thing with a fine-toothed comb at this very moment?" Raj said in a pleading voice.

Leonard squared his shoulders and pushed his glasses up further on his nose. "Well, we're men. We're better than that."

"Thank you, Leonard," Sheldon said. He almost sounded sincere.

Howard wasn't giving up that easily. "Come on! You heard what he just said about her. Don't you want to know if you need to buy your own noise cancelling headphones?"

Leonard rubbed his fingers together nervously, then turned to face Sheldon. "What's in the agreement, Sheldon? "

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What does it matter if he can touch you whenever he wants but you can't touch him?" Penny asked. "How is this any better than the old one?"

"It removes the fear and puts the ball in his court," Amy said, trying not to sound defensive.

"Well, at least there's no way for him to pretend Amy is forcing him to take things to the next level," Bernadette said. "Any guy would react badly to that."

"The next level?" Penny blew air through her lips derisively. "Please. He's not even a noob yet. Sheldon isn't going to initiate anything."

"Noob?" Amy asked, confused.

"It's a gaming term," Penny waved her hand as if she could erase the comment. "I was going through a dark time and… don't change the subject!"

"Sheldon has initiated physical contact before," Amy said.

"But I mean _initiation_." Penny half-closed her eyes and stroked her hands down the sides of her torso. "Why is it so important for him to do it, anyway? Amy, I know you've got a tiger inside you just waiting to pounce. Just take charge."

"I did take charge," Amy said firmly. "And now I know for certain how he feels about me. More importantly, he's admitted it to himself. Things will move along as they should."

Penny shook her head as she read over the offending paragraph. "Says the girl who waited two years for a handhold." She dropped the agreement on the counter and glared at Bernadette. "Tell me this wasn't your plan."

"Not exactly," Bernadette said timidly, retrieving the document herself.

"Bernadette, you said you understood before," Amy said with hurt in her voice.

"Yes, but…"

"Everything we talked about is in there, too." Amy leaned across the counter and tapped the agreement. "Flip to the new section. No, at the end."

"Respect," Penny said, reading over Bernadette's shoulder. "This was your idea?"

Bernadette nodded. "Kind of. I didn't imagine this, though." They read through the first page. And the next. And the next. Penny smiled. "Well, this looks entertaining. We need to get you two back in the same room."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What the hell is this?" Leonard asked as he crouched over the document in question with Sheldon's other so-called friends. As the question was far from specific and Leonard already knew he was looking at The Relationship Agreement, Sheldon chose not to answer.

"So, she still can't touch you unless your life is imperiled or you just won a Nobel Prize, but you are free to…" Raj's brow furrowed in confusion. "What _can't_ you do? Is there a name for this?"

"Well, I've seen something similar on the internet, but there's usually ropes or handcuffs involved," Howard stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Sometimes both."

"Ropes? Handcuffs?!" Sheldon found himself responding despite his intentions to remain aloof from any further discussion. "The Relationship Agreement, not to mention human decency, would never allow Amy to apply restraints to me."

Howard snorted. "Obviously you'd be too uptight to go for that, but I didn't mean they'd be on you. If you've found a way for you to go about this and still feel like you're the one in control, then hey, more power to you."

Sheldon's mouth dropped open. "I… I… I don't know what you're talking about but I believe I am highly offended. No, I _know_ I am highly offended. Not just for myself, but on Amy's behalf as well."

Howard shook his head. "Hey, don't knock it 'til ya' try it. There's nothing wrong with two or more consenting, open-minded adults…"

"Howard," Raj said, "you need to bring the speculation back into the realm of feasibility."

Howard laughed. "The fact that Sheldon has a girlfriend in the first place is outside the realm of feasibility. You can't tell me that if they ever did get it on that it wouldn't be freaky as hell."

"Sheldon, don't let him get to you," Leonard said, trying to suppress the thought that Howard was probably right. "But, seriously, does this mean you guys are finally getting, you know…"

"Are you still dabbling in theory or have you moving on to experimentation?" Raj asked.

"I have no idea what Howard's alluding to, besides knowing he's wrong, but Amy and I have always been open to human experimentation."

"Not you guys playing mind games with us," Leonard said. "Experimenting together. Alone. Just the two of you."

"Oh," Sheldon said. He wasn't sure the week he'd spent in Amy's lab even qualified as experimentation. He'd been limited to the most menial of tasks. "I'm not sure…"

"You know, like in _The Book_," Leonard said.

"Oh," Sheldon said, catching on. Then he really caught on. "Oh! No! That's not the way it is. Good Lord, do you ever think of anything else?" He looked at Leonard in contempt. "No wonder you've never excelled at anything."

"Well," Raj said, "what way is it because this is more confusing than American Tax Law."

"There's nothing confusing about it," Sheldon said. No matter what they thought of it, he was very proud of the work he and Amy had done. "The legalese is designed to remove any ambiguousness. And nothing really changes. The restrictions on Amy's behavior are practically the same as before. With the new stipulation that she will no longer call me 'Cuddles' in public."

"She called you Cuddles?" Raj asked.

"She was drunk. But yeah," Leonard laughed. "It was funny as hell."

"Sorry I missed it. Oh!" Howard said, snapping his fingers. "We should totally take them both out drinking!"

Sheldon crossed his arms. "That is not a valid preexisting condition for Amy to either allow or encourage me to…" Sheldon swallowed and recrossed his arms. "Touch her."

"Ah, but did you write that down?" Raj said.

"Of course," Sheldon said, leaning over and pointing the applicable phrase out.

"Shoot," Raj said, disappointed.

"OK. Real life." Howard said seriously. "What are you actually doing differently right now? Besides having the option to fool around if you ever figure out what you're missing out on."

Sheldon shrugged and glanced away from them. "There is a small addendum at the end that slightly affects my behavior. In limited circumstances."

Leonard flipped to the last section and the three men leaned over it. He turned the page. And the next page.

"Oh, very impressive," Raj said. "We should get her back in here."

"You agreed to this?" Leonard asked incredulously. "I think we should add this to the Roommate Agreement."

"In your dreams, Leonard."

"Do you really think you can follow through on all this?" Howard asked with excitement, thinking about how much more pleasant his reception was shaping up to be.

"Of course I can," Sheldon said confidently. "I can do anything I set my mind to. I have an IQ of 187."

Howard frowned in doubt and looked at Leonard. "I've seen him behave for a day to get something he wants. But indefinitely?"

"That's another thing," Leonard said. "I can see what Amy's hoping for here, but what is it you want out of this, anyway?"

Sheldon sighed. The Relationship Agreement was very explicit. "The purpose of the document is addressed at the very beginning under Section  
One."

They flipped back to the beginning, but Leonard shook his head. "I'm not seeing a 'why' anywhere."

"I'm getting a headache," Raj said.

"Hmm," Sheldon said. "I've seen how hard you work. Fatigue can't be the reason. Perhaps dehydration. Do you require a beverage?"

Raj let the insult go and continued reading. "Yes, please. And make it alcoholic."

Sheldon frowned. "Don't you think you drink enough as it is? The women aren't even in the room right now."

Raj looked up at him and huffed. "Sheldon, notwithstanding my problem with selective mutism you alone are more than enough to drive a man to drink."

"Very well," Sheldon said, slightly offended. "Leonard, get him a beverage."

"I think we could all use a 'beverage'." Leonard said tiredly. Still, he showed no intention of moving an inch. Instead he pulled the agreement even closer to face and squinted at it. "I still don't get it. What am I missing here?"

Raj growled in frustration. "I don't know. Read it straight through from the beginning."

Still no one moved. Sheldon sighed and left the three men huddled over the best thing to happen to courtship since the arranged marriage while he retrieved his own glass and moved to the kitchen. When he opened the refrigerator door, he looked at the 6 pack of Michelob Light they kept on hand for Raj's 'medication' for a good 10 seconds, then reached for the Kool-Aid again.

"Wait, wait, wait," Howard said suddenly. "While you guys look at that, let me try something." Howard practically skipped over to the kitchen on his toes and spread his hands out on the counter. The other two kept reading but looked up when they heard the tone of Howard's next statement. "Dr. Cooper. I have a question for you."

Sheldon smiled. "Excellent, Howard. I encourage you to ask me as many questions as you can. You should never give up on improving yourself."

"Oh, this should be easy." Howard smiled evilly and rubbed his hands together. "I have a simple, direct question. About you. And your feelings. And Amy Farrah Fowler."

The smile disappeared from Sheldon's face. "Uh-oh."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Penny poured some more wine into her glass and killed the bottle. "God, how do you seduce a guy like Sheldon?"

"Penny, I said it's OK," Amy said. "We're happy and we're going to talk and spend time together and…"

"Oh, sweetie I wish I could say that's adorable but it just makes me want to strangle you both." Penny shook her head and took another sip of wine. "The more I find out about what that man is capable of the more it drives me nuts that he won't do something about it."

"Ditto," Bernadette said. "Maybe you're OK with waiting two more years to see what happens but I'm not."

Amy looked meaningfully and sternly at Bernadette. "We'll get there when we get there." She wiped her mouth with a napkin and stood up. "Anyway, I think we should rejoin the men. This was supposed to be a night for all of us…"

"I'm taking you shopping," Penny said suddenly.

"Oh," Amy said, caught off guard. "Well, yes. I still need to get new shoes. The matter has in fact become more urgent than before. We could go next week."

"No. Tomorrow… No, damn it, I'm working." Penny pursed her lips in concentration before saying firmly. "Saturday. Before the reception."

Amy wondered briefly if Penny had started drinking before they'd even got there. "Bestie, we don't really have time to do that."

"You're right," Penny said, strumming her fingers against her wine glass and walking over to her laptop. "I'll need to do some pre-shopping online so we can hit it fast. Your measurements from the bridesmaid fittings are still good, right? It's hard to tell under all those layers."

Amy felt completely lost. "Why don't we just wait until next week? How did we even get on this subject?"

"Amy, listen to Penny on this," Bernadette said. "I know you just made some major shifts here, but you have to keep the momentum going before he Sheldonizes it even more."

"I understand that but…" Amy shook her head. She still didn't get it. "I'm sorry but what does shopping have to do with any of this?"

_Knock knock knock_ "Amy?"

_Knock knock knock_ "Penny?"

_Knock knock knock_ "Bernadette?"

Amy crossed the distance to the front door and answered it on the last knock. A wild-eyed Sheldon greeted her. "Oh, thank goodness," he said, shoving her purse into her arms. "Come on, we need to leave."

"What's the matter, Sheldon?" Howard's voice carried over from the boy's apartment. "I was just making polite conversation."

"They've gone insane," Sheldon said with a touch of panic. "I think there may be some kind of viral infection artificially raising their aggression levels."

"Amy, we aren't done here," Bernadette's voice carried out from behind Amy.

Amy glanced quickly behind her then turned back to Sheldon with a frown. "Penny gave me wine. I can't drive."

"We'll take the bus," he said.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, you get your butt back over here!" Amy jumped at the aggression in Penny's voice.

"Where?" she asked.

"Sheldon? I believe the Relationship Agreement section 32.B.(2) requires your honesty regarding my question about…"

"Anywhere!" Sheldon said with wide eyes. "Let's just go." He grabbed her elbow and pulled her along towards the stairs.

"Watch it, Sheldon!" Howard yelled after him. "Are you sure that contact is consensual?"

The girls and guys spilled out into the hallway and watched Sheldon and Amy disappear around the corner. Then they looked at each other.

"OK, get back over here and tell us what you got," Leonard said. He looked at the glass in Penny's hand. "Oh, good! Bring the wine. I think a toast is called for."

"Really?" Penny said. "I'm still not sure how much has actually changed."

"Who cares?" Howard said gleefully. "Sheldon's as uncomfortable as hell and he's doing it for a girl. I for one am in the mood to celebrate. Leonard grinned and began to whistle the theme to 'Guys and Dolls'.

From far below them they heard a shout echo faintly up the stairwell. "No whistling!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

_The Relationship Agreement (Rev. 1)_

_Purpose: To enumerate, illuminate, and codify the responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper (hereinafter known as 'The Boyfriend') and Amy Farrah Fowler (hereinafter referred to as 'The Girlfriend')._

_1. Scope:_

_The boyfriend and girlfriend state and affirm that the purpose of the relationship outlined in this agreement is_

_A. To strengthen their mutual bond._

_B. To present a unified front to the world under the label of 'romantic couple' to rebuff extraneous romantic suitors and/or sexual partners._

_C. To increase each other's quality of life and aid in their pursuit of happiness._

_D. To provide mutual intellectual stimulation when required to attend non-optional social events with lesser minds._

_E. For both parties to provide and benefit from positive emotional stimulation through shared activities and 'private time'. _

_2. Change Order Requests:_

_A. Amendments/Retractions:_

_The Relationship Agreement is to be viewed as a living document, to be revised upon the agreement of both parties with appropriate notice beforehand. It can be dissolved at any time by either party providing both parties have been given the opportunity to state their case for and against. Strikes are therefore unnecessary and are so abolished._

_B. Termination: _

_(1) Both parties agree that the current and desired future climate of the agreement qualifies as romantic and that the agreement is meant to foster such feelings. The agreement will be terminated in the case either party ceases to feel romantically inclined towards the other partner, regardless of the physical/nonphysical state of the relationship at the time. _

_(2) In the case of sudden abandonment or alien abduction, the remaining party has the right to proclaim the relationship agreement valid or void at their discretion after any official search parties have been recalled, or a period of ten days, whichever is longer._

_3. Mutual Understanding:_

_A. Both parties agree to abide by the letter and spirit of the relationship agreement. _

_B. The boyfriend specifically affirms that he understands the meaning of abiding by 'the spirit' of the agreement._

_C. The girlfriend states and affirms her desire for a mutually desired physical component to the relationship. _

_D. The boyfriend acknowledges the fact of girlfriend's desire and agrees not to proactively pursue Kolinahr meditation to suppress any feelings toward said girlfriend while reserving the right to refrain from any future instances of physical contact indefinitely. _

_4.__ Injures & Illness_

_A. Low level injuries_

_(1) Boo boos…_

_(2) Ouchies… _

_B. Low level illness _

_(1) Sniffles…_

_(2) Crud…_

_C. Medium to High Level Medical Situations_

_(1) The girlfriend will care for the boyfriend up to the point where the risks involved in going to a hospital are outweighed by medical necessity._

_(2) The boyfriend has to care for the girlfriend as well up to the point of getting in the way, at which point he will still be expected to provide moral support while ensuring the girlfriend is cared for by someone more qualified to do so._

_5.__ Intimate Physical Contact _

_(1) The definition of intimate for purposes of this agreement is understood to include any and all deliberate skin-to-skin contact up to and including coitus._

_(2) The boyfriend may initiate physical contact at any time without prior discussion unless the girlfriend specifically objects._

_(3) The girlfriend is prohibited from initiating any form of physical contact outside of those specifically outlined in this agreement without first obtaining case by case verbal consent from the boyfriend while both parties are sound of both mind and body._

_(4) The girlfriend may initiate handholding without prior permission under the following circumstances: _

_I. either party is in danger of falling off of a cliff, precipice or ledge. _

_II. either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize._

_III. moral support during flu shots__._

_IV. Unforeseen emergent circumstances where handholding is required to ensure physical safety of either party._

_6. Infractions and Conflict Resolution: _

_A. As the one area both parties agree even less likely to be resolved than the issue of future intimate physical contact, both parties agree not to denigrate the other's field of study, no matter their personal feelings on the subject, and no matter how justified. However, based on repeated past faux pas in this area, the boyfriend most emphatically agrees not to do it again. If during a lively debate, conversation begins to veer towards this point of contention, the first party to become aware of it will immediately change the subject to one less controversial, such as religion or politics._

_B. As strikes are abolished, both parties, especially the boyfriend, agree to discuss any other problems like adults. _

_7.__Date Night_

_A. The boyfriend and girlfriend will participate in a date every second Thursday of the month, and in the case of there being five Thursdays in a month, Date Night will be on the third Thursday instead. _

_B. Exclusions: The boyfriend and girlfriend may engage in activities others may perceive as a 'date' at will, however it is understood that these are merely private outings, regardless of whether the activities engaged in during the outing correspond to those on date nights._

_8. Boyfriend/Girlfriend Sing-A-Long Night…_

_9. Travel_

_A. 72 hours of advance notice are required._

_B. If private transportation is to be used, all vehicle maintenance must be up to date/performed by certified personnel, and tire pressure and fluid levels again checked prior to departure._

_C. The party making the request will contact the Center for Disease Control and enquire about which shots they would recommend for the trip. _

_10. Special Events Generally Accepted As Romantic by Social Convention_

_A. Anniversaries_

_To be discussed at a later date._

_B. Valentine's Day_

_(1) No_

_(2) No_

_(3) No_

_11. Food…_

_12. Beverages…_

_13. Allergies…_

_14. Previous Sexual History…_

_15. Immunizations…_

_16. Forbidden venues of entertainment…_

_17. Music…_

_18. Pavlovian Conditioning…_

_19. Trains…_

_20. Human Experimentation…_

_21. Reproduction…_

_22. Natural Disasters…_

_23. Supernatural Disasters…_

_24. Soap…_

_25. Vehicle Maintenance…_

_26. Illegal Entry…_

_27. Religion…_

_28. Relatives…_

_29. The Ultimate Importance of Science…_

_30. Communicable Diseases…_

_31. Noncommunicable Diseases…_

_32. Respect_

_A. The girlfriend _

_(1) The girlfriend will refrain from referring to the boyfriend by any terms of endearment while in public. _

_i.e. Cuddles._

_(2) That issue being addressed, the boyfriend acknowledges the quality of the girlfriend's previous record in this arena, and makes no further demands, as this is one of the reasons said party is desirable as a girlfriend in the first place. _

_(3) Both parties acknowledge that in the event the girlfriend does engage in public behavior that a rational person would perceive as being disrespectful towards the boyfriend, it is likely that the boyfriend had it coming and should engage in a period of self-reflection until he either determines where he went wrong, or, failing that, proceeds to seek an expert opinion on screwing up relationships _

_i.e. Penny/ Leonard_

_B. The boyfriend _

_(1) The boyfriend shall keep his word to the girlfriend unless prevented by an act of god (in the legal sense of the phrase, the notion of a deity will not be addressed in this document). _

_(2) The boyfriend will not pretend to dislike the company or attentions of his girlfriend when he does in fact enjoy and/or desire it, regardless of whether he believes this invites teasing from his social circle or contradicts previous statements on the matter. _

_(3) The boyfriend shall take responsibility for all his statements and actions, and will not blame them on poor soap manufacturers, alien parasites, muscle spasms, or communist plots engaged in by sleeper cells unaware that the Cold War has ended. _

_(4) The boyfriend will never, ever, use the excuse of being 'too highly evolved' as an excuse either for avoiding or performing an activity poorly. _

_(5) The boyfriend agrees that when attending social events with the girlfriend, he will refrain from any behavior that will either reflect badly on the girlfriend or possibly result in them being banned from future visits to that establishment. If the boyfriend unintentionally engages in such behavior, he will accept correction from his peers without argument, regardless of whether he is bored because there are no other scientists his age present._

_(6) The boyfriend shall immediately cease and desist from…_

_(7) The boyfriend will always…._

_(8) The boyfriend will be sure to…_

_(9) The boyfriend acknowledges that even when…._

_(10) The boyfriend will keep in mind that…_

_(11) The boyfriend shall not…_

_(12) When planning shared activities, the boyfriend will take into account…_

_(13) The boyfriend shall not presumptively determine that…_

_(14) When in doubt, the boyfriend shall keep in mind that he asked for this, and he can stop whenever he wants to. {After previously agreed upon conditions are first met, see paragraph 2.B.(1)}_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Hope you enjoyed it. I didn't want to just let the RA I made as a reference just sit on my computer. Please give me your reviews on this chapter. I'm not sure whether I should have even attached the RA at all, or if I should have slipped sections of it into the dialogue, but I couldn't figure out how to do it without interrupting the flow. I'd like to believe the writers will actually get around to this one day, so I want to keep the feel of the actual show going for as long as I can. So again, feedback on this chapter would be really appreciated.**

**Oh, and Sheldon and Amy weren't supposed to run off at the end there, but Sheldon refused to stay in the room, so in the end I just let him go. So, I'm not sure about the next chapter. Maybe I'll skip ahead, or maybe I'll add some fun starting right here right now. I mean, Sheldon doesn't even have his bus pants on. What the hell is he thinking?**


	16. Destination Unknown

**This is the same chapter that was posted 9/24 after Sheldon and Amy ran off. Don't read if you've already seen it. Sorry but my story disappeared for some reason and I'm trying to fix it.**

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**Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster**

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**Destination Unknown**

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Amy struggled to keep up with Sheldon without tripping. He didn't let go of her arm until they reached the bottom of the stairwell, when he paused to yell up _'No whistling!'_. Amy hadn't heard anything but she'd learned to trust his auditory acuity. They then quickly exited the lobby and were met with their first conundrum. Which way to go? An approaching westbound bus on the other side of the road decided it for Sheldon.

"Come on," he said. They crossed the street, barely making it, (obviously the extra crosswalk time had yet to be loaded into the system) and hopped on board. Sheldon had a monthly bus card he always carried for emergencies (coins were too dirty and clunky to carry around routinely) but Amy had to balance herself on the steps as she scrambled for the bus fare while the driver took off again with no concern for her safety. She was successful, but only barely. With a brief surge of annoyance, Amy thought to herself that now would have been a more convenient time for Sheldon to hold onto her. After depositing the last coin, she turned to follow Sheldon and almost collided with him.

Sheldon hadn't moved. Amy quickly ascertained why. The bus was packed. It was still on the tail end of rush hour. Nearly all the patrons looked irritable and tired, the bus only the last leg of a long commute. The bus had been in use all day, and it didn't take a mysophobe to declare it filthy. Still, they couldn't keep blocking the entrance.

Amy slipped around Sheldon, startling him out of his deer-in-the-headlights stillness. He followed her as she wove her way back to a relatively open section of the bus. There was a free seat, but when she pulled the spring-loaded seat down she saw it was spotted with a mysterious fluid and thought better of it. She grabbed onto a support pole instead and leaned against it. Sheldon looked up at the handholds he could more easily reach than Amy. He grimaced at the thought of the countless commuters who had already used them that day. The seat wouldn't have been an issue if he'd paused to grab his bus pants before bolting out the door. _"What on earth was I thinking?"_ he thought to himself. At that moment the bus took a sharp corner and Sheldon lost his balance. He grabbed onto the closest thing available.

That was Amy. He blushed and quickly let go of her as both he and the bus leveled out, then realized that of all the things on this bus, she was the only clean thing on it.

"If you don't mind?" he asked, barely loud enough to be heard over the rumble of the bus's diesel engine. He gingerly laid his hands on her shoulders.

Amy glanced over her shoulder at him in surprise then quickly returned her gaze forward. "Not at all," she said matter-of-factly.

The bus rocked again and Sheldon tightened his grip and stepped into her to keep his balance, trying to remain calm. He wasn't touching any of her skin. Just as he hadn't when he'd grabbed her arm earlier. But he hadn't had to simply stand there and think about it back then. This was almost like when they'd…

His mind interrupted the thought before the word 'cuddled' could float fully into consciousness and instead reminded himself of the necessity of the act at the moment. He tried to think of her clothing, not her underneath it. The cardigan she had on today was cotton by the feel of it. Perhaps with a percentage of spandex in the weave. She had at least two layers under that he could tell from a glance down at her neck line. A paisley button-down, and a purple undershirt beneath that, the neckline lining up perfectly with her collar bone. Though from this angle he could see a hint of shadow where the suprasternal notch dipped down towards her sternum. He continued to stare at it until for some reason he began to feel guilty and decided conversation was called for.

"You would think that with the amount of money I pay for a bus pass and the relatively few times I ever use it, they could keep these things cleaner," he said.

"Amen to that, buddy," a stranger's voice said. Sheldon looked over in the direction it came from, but found no clue as to the speaker's identity. Everyone looked equally miserable.

Amy hadn't answered, and now that he'd been thrown off track, Sheldon wasn't sure how to continue. He looked forward again, and when he felt his eyes drift down, made sure to keep them fixed to the top of her head.

Her hair was very shiny today, almost as if she'd brushed it right before coming over. Perhaps she did after the commotion in the lab. There was no hint of the mess she'd had to deal with in her scent either. He could see a few specks of dandruff near the part of her hair, but less than before. He knew clinically that fewer people suffered from the dry scalp condition that led to dandruff in the summertime. So the improvement could be environmental, or perhaps the current shampoo Amy was using was proving more effective than the old one. He leaned forward a little bit and inhaled through his nose. Beneath the cacophony of smells that constituted Eau D'Autobus, he detected a hint of mint and pine. It was the same shampoo he'd used at her apartment the night of the clogged sink. He remembered how much sharper it had smelled when he'd squeezed it out of the bottle into his hand before working it into his hair. Although he didn't suffer from dry scalp, he still followed the manufacturer instructions and let it soak for a minute before rinsing it out. It did no harm, and one did not flout rules without a good reason.

It wasn't much of a leap to go from there to the image of Amy's hair covered in blue-tinged soap suds. After all, she was the one the shampoo was originally meant for. It was the scent of her hair that led his mind to the topic of medicated shampoos in the first place. And once she'd rinsed it out, her hair would lay slick and smooth against her scalp and follow the contours of her neck and back until all the soap and dirt was washed away. Leaving just her. Her hair would appear darker than now, despite the bright light of the bathroom…

"Sheldon, where are we going?"

Sheldon blinked and looked out through the windows. He'd stopped thinking about destination as soon as he'd stepped on the bus. "West?" he said.

Amy frowned. "We turned north two miles ago."

"Oh, right,"Sheldon said, embarrassed.

"Why don't we get off at the next stop? There's a Barnes and Noble with a coffee shop inside. We can discuss our options there."

Sheldon nodded. "I see no flaw in your proposal."

Amy looked back at him as if she was waiting for something more, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what it was. Then she let go of the pole and pushed away from him. He wasn't expecting it and his hands clutched briefly at her shoulders before letting go. Of course. They had to make their way to the front of the bus to ensure the driver waited for them to disembark before speeding off again. Sheldon followed at her heels. Honestly, Sheldon couldn't understand why the bus was habitually late when driven so aggressively.

Once inside the bookstore, Sheldon purchased a beverage while Amy stuck with complementary water. He wouldn't have minded her getting anything as long as it wasn't a pumpkin latte. He had a strong aversion to that particular beverage he was unable to explain.

They obtained a small table by the window through luck when one of the few paying patrons finished their drink and left. The café portion of the bookstore was filled with students studying who were gauche enough to take up establishment space without either purchasing a beverage or perusing the bookstore's wares. Sheldon shook his head in disapproval as he looked them over. Some people had no manners.

"Well, I can't pretend I'm not happy to get some space between us and our friends for the moment," Amy said as she took a long sip of water.

Sheldon hadn't thought about what Amy had experienced once he'd given up and switched tracks to Klingon Boggle. He thought about it briefly in light of what he'd experienced, and came to the conclusion that Raj was probably right about the girls grilling her about the Relationship Agreement as well. It was quite disturbing how often Raj was right these days.

"I take it the Relationship Agreement was the topic of discussion."

"Correct. At first. But Penny and Bernadette both became so agitated they couldn't keep on topic. Somehow by the time you came over, they'd both decided Penny needed to take me shopping."

Sheldon snorted derisively. "Women."

Amy frowned at him. "I'm a woman."

"And I like you anyway." Amy glared at him. Even Sheldon couldn't miss that. However he felt no need to apologize. "Need I remind you of your proclivity towards perusing women's fashion magazines that make you hate your body?"

"Nevertheless, I am able to keep reality in mind. Most of the time. The reality that is Penny can make it difficult."

"I don't understand."

"For once I can say I'm glad you don't."

Sheldon didn't like the idea of not understanding _anything_. However it seemed to be happening a lot lately. He thought harder about it, and remembered Penny had taken him to the jewelry store when he was searching for a make-up gift for Amy. "I hope Penny wasn't insinuating you should buy me a gift in an attempt to buy my affections. I gave you the tiara to make up for a social misstep on my part. I do not want an unwarranted gift from you for that may make me feel required to reciprocate in some manner."

"Have no fear of that. I know how you hate to be in debt. And Penny was asking for my dress size, so I doubt that would have translated into a gift for you."

"Oh," Sheldon said, confused again.

"As aggressive as they were, I think I could have handled them. Why did you feel it necessary to run away?"

"I didn't run away. I simply decided I needed to be elsewhere as soon as possible."

"And did the males do something to precipitate this sudden decision?"

"Yes."

Amy waited a moment for Sheldon to continue. When he didn't, she prompted him. "What?" she asked.

Sheldon frowned. "I'd rather not repeat it."

Amy's expression mirrored his. "So, something they said."

"Something they asked."

"Very well. But how will avoiding them solve the problem? You have to go home at some point. Even if Howard and Raj have left and Leonard has gone to bed, you will still see them at work tomorrow."

Sheldon looked out the window. He didn't have an answer for that. He knew the relationship agreement required honesty about his feelings toward Amy, but Howard's question had been amazingly blunt. Even Amy hadn't asked him _that_.

He turned back to her. "Point of Inquiry. If someone, hypothetically, asks me a question about our relationship that I have yet to discuss directly with you, how much detail is required in my answer?"

Amy placed her hands on the table on either side of her water. "I don't want you to lie or dissemble. But I see no reason why you can't tell the person you need to discuss it with me first if you are unsure about the appropriateness of the inquiry."

He frowned. They'd just revised the agreement yesterday. He really didn't want to talk about _that_ with her either. _Everything was settled perfectly. Why did everyone feel the need to but in?_ "I find myself wishing our friends would mind their own business."

"Agreed. While I appreciate their concern, I find being the center of attention to be not all it's cracked up to be. I don't know how Penny can take it every day."

Sheldon's phone rang. It was Leonard. Sheldon's finger hovered over the answer button. He wasn't sure he wanted to answer it.

Amy saw his hesitation and decided to give him a few extra seconds with a fun fact. "Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with the salutation 'Ahoy'?"

Sheldon smiled at her and his anxiety melted away. "I did indeed," he said. "But I don't mind your mentioning of it. I always liked that story." He answered the phone. "Ahoy."

It sounded like there was a party in the background. Over the noise Leonard's voice spoke. "Sheldon? It's Leonard. Look, we're sorry. Come back home. We promise we won't gang up on you anymore." Sheldon heard a feminine sing-song voice chime in as well. "Tell Amy the girls say they're sorry, too." Sheldon didn't answer right away, and Leonard added "You don't have to answer the question."

"Why should I believe you?" Sheldon asked.

"Unless you're planning on sleeping on Amy's couch for the rest of your life, I don't see what choice you have. Seriously though, come back home. Howard's sorry."

"Really?"

"Yes." He heard a brief muffled argument, then Bernadette's sharp voice carrying through _"Well say it anyway!"_

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," Howard's deeper voice said. "I promise I'll be good."

Sheldon sighed with relief. "I accept your apology."

Howard's voice trailed off as he passed the phone. _"I still don't think I did anything…"_

"Sheldon?" Leonard said. "Are we good now?"

"Yes. We're at the Barnes and Noble. Come get us."

"Uh…" Leonard paused.

"Well who hasn't been drinking?" Amy watched as Sheldon's expression changed from satisfied to frustrated. "Good Lord! What if World War III started and you didn't have a designated driver to get you to the bomb shelters on campus?" He paused as Leonard answered, but it was clear to Amy he wasn't satisfied with what he heard. "I already know the odds. Nevertheless, it could happen!" Sheldon clenched his jaw and glared at the space between them. "Fine," he said. "See if I care."

"What's wrong?" Amy asked, though she thought she could guess.

He glanced at her. "We have to get on the bus again." Sheldon returned his attention to the phone. "Really, Leonard, where did you even get that much… Penny. Why am I not surprised? And on a weeknight? What were you thinking?"

"It was only gonna be one drink but then…" Leonard's voice trailed off.

"What?" Sheldon asked.

"You don't like secrets," Leonard said nervously.

"Correct, I don't," Sheldon said.

"_Just tell him,"_ he heard Raj's voice shout. _"Everyone he could tell already knows." _Howard answered but Sheldon couldn't make out what he said.

"Sheldon, put Amy on," Leonard said. Sheldon handed the phone to Amy and she took it with surprise.

"Hello?"

"Amy, can you promise that you won't talk about what Sheldon's about to spill to you until the press release?"

"What press release?"

"You'll know when you hear it."

"That's quite an assumption."

"For crying out loud! Fine. I'll tell you when it's OK. Can you do that?"

"Yes, I can do that."

"Will you?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Fine. Put Sheldon back on." Amy handed the phone back to Sheldon.

"Alright, Leonard. What is the reason I have to ride one of the less savory forms of public transportation twice in one day?"

"Well, if I were to apply Occam's Razor the answer is it's your own fault. You're the ran who ran off like a jackrabbit."

"Leonard, please push past the haze of alcohol and be serious for a moment."

"But if you want a secondary reason… It's CERN! They found the Higgs Boson Particle!"

"Oh," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon! Aren't you excited?"

"Why? Based on the sustained level of funding and the methodology involved in cycling through experimental models, it was bound to happen sooner rather than later."

"What?! Need I remind you that less than two hours ago…"

"I'm sorry, Leonard, I have to go. My drink's getting cold." Sheldon terminated the call and returned the phone to his pocket.

He looked up at Amy. She was looking at him with one eyebrow raised wryly. "You're drinking an iced green tea."

"I meant warm."

Amy smiled. "While any ice at all remains suspended in the fluid, the temperature, or average molecular kinetic energy, remains constant even while the Heat, or total energy, increases. That's assuming we don't change elevation. I could draw you a rough Mollier diagram…"

"I understand how thermodynamics work!" he said, embarrassed. "I meant… watery."

Amy laughed.

"And what, may I ask, do you find so amusing?"

"I usually find flawed logic annoying. But on you it's kind of cute."

Sheldon grumbled at her. Trying to look annoyed even though it didn't really bother him. Then truly feeling annoyed about the very fact that it didn't bother him. Then realizing that less than 24 hours into their new agreement, he'd already violated one of his new behavioral clauses.

_Vixen._

This may turn out to be harder than he thought.

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**It truly was the worst kept secret ever. I don't think there wasn't a physicist in the world who didn't know what they were going to say before the 'announcement'.**


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